A Spell for Neutralizing The Inner Critic

Your inner critic has been trained by society

to blame every problem on some failing of the individual.

The explanations it can imagine are All Your Fault.

This spell will help you turn the critic’s question on its head,

and think about what you need

rather than what you’re doing wrong.

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Make Magic:

Your inner critic takes such a narrow view of every situation.

It cuts right down to “what’s wrong with me?”

When that voice is yelling for the mic,

it’s time to open up the inquiry.

Look at all the things that might be wrong,

and what resources could help you show up the way you want to.

Transcript: A Spell for Neutralizing The Inner Critic

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Hello, my friend. I might sound a little different today because I am actually recording this from my room on the very last morning of a retreat that I've attended in Taos, New Mexico. Isn't that funny? [laughs] There was one retreat that I wanted to come attend, and it happens to be in Taos, which is of course where I lead retreats a couple times a year. But it was so delightful to come and be here as a participant for a change.

And I have the most beautiful room. I really just got so lucky. So I'll tell you, you might hear birds. You might hear a rooster [laughs], because there is totally a rooster who just must live next door. I don't know. I hear him a lot in the mornings.

But the room is so beautiful, and sun-filled, and it's surrounded by this lovely like veranda. It's been a dream to be here. And I was feeling inspired to record, and so I set up my computer, and here I am.

So the retreat that I've been on, it's a writing retreat. We've been here, me and my fellow aspiring writers—and I shouldn't say aspiring because some of them are professional writers already. There are playwrights. There are novelists. There are essay writers. There are reporters. There are lots of marketers, lots of people who write words that sell for a living.

And we came on this retreat, number one, to learn from the retreat leaders, of course, but, number two, because the theme of the retreat was getting unstuck. The theme of the retreat was learning how to nurture ideas into work, which is very cool.

And it's so interesting. Before I left for this retreat, and I've been here for a week, I really wanted to record for you all this spell for neutralizing inner criticism but, interestingly [laughs], I didn't have it in me. I was preparing to leave and, as I'll tell you in a moment, really tired actually, and so I didn't record the spell.

But, of course, this entire week, this spell has been coming back to me. I've been hearing it again and again, so I'm ready to share. I've rested for a week, and I'm ready to share it.

So here for me is the spell for neutralizing inner criticism. It's realizing that much more effective, especially inside our own heads and hearts, much more effective than criticism is its flip side or maybe even its mother: curiosity. Yeah?

So basically what I'm saying here is that if the inner critic is saying, "What is wrong with you or why can't you just record the podcast, write the article, do your taxes," right [laughs], if the inner critic is asking these harsh and rhetorical questions, if we want to neutralize that critical voice that is assuming there is something wrong, that is assuming the answer to why you can't fill in the blank is that you're not good enough, smart enough, disciplined enough, right, some kind of criticism, if we want to neutralize that inner critic, I suggest a first step is to stop making that critical question rhetorical, and to actually open it up, to be curious about it. Yeah?

So this was very alive for me this week. I came to this beautiful place with these inspiring people, came for a writing retreat, and I have really been thinking about what a book that I would write might look like. And I thought, yes, this is—it's time. It's time to come, and to get unstuck around my book thinking, and to really make some progress on it.

And what I fairly quickly discovered, like, the second morning [laughs] of the retreat, day two of the retreat, is that I was so creatively exhausted. I love making this podcast. I love writing my Sunday Letters. I love coming up with ideas for retreats and programming. And at the same time, that is a lot of creative output.

Now, when I was sitting at my desk, day two of the retreat, with a little writing prompt to try to get the juices flowing, and there were no juices to be had, my first impulse was not to honor how much I am creating all the time. My first impulse was to criticize. And where does that impulse come from? I really don't know.

Where do we learn to be so critical of ourselves? Where do we learn to assume that something's wrong rather than wonder what's going on? Maybe for you there's like a very clear line back to some teacher or family member. Certainly it is in our culture. You know, I talk a lot about the puritanical foundations of much of our culture, especially here in the United States, right, the puritanical foundations that say you are almost definitely going to hell and, like, in this life, you're just going to figure out why that is [laughs], right? Like, you're going to figure out all what's wrong with you.

So, listen, wherever it comes from, if it comes from our tendency toward a negativity bias, if it comes from our families, if it comes from our education system, like, wherever this critical voice comes from, it is ultimately not generative of empowered change. Yeah? If I am sitting at my desk, unable to write, going to the inner critic, and hearing, "Well, you know, it's probably the same reason you left graduate school. You just don't have this in you." "Well, you know, you don't have the discipline to sit and write." "Well," as Logan Roy said to his children, "maybe you're just not a serious person."

All of those are answers to the question, "What is wrong with me?" And my mind readily supplies those answers, and none of those answers helps me to actually address the issue at hand, right, because criticism is narrowing in on all what's wrong. To neutralize criticism, again, we take the question, and instead of answering it rhetorically, instead of zooming in on the critical assumption, right—well, here's the problem: I'm bad; I'm lazy; I'm unable to do this—yeah, we flip that coin, we open up the question, and we apply curiosity, which instead of narrowing in on—and I'm taking my hands, and I'm like squeezing them down into this little balled up and breathless fist [laughs], right?—when I apply curiosity, and instead of saying, "what is wrong with me?" I say, "what is wrong with me? Like, what is going on here?" my friend, that is how I was able to really ask, OK, I'm excited to write. I'm inspired to write. But I sit at the computer, and nothing comes. What's wrong? What's going on here? That is when I'm better able to see what's going on, and it's like, oh, well, I'm realizing that my brain is tired. Right?

All of those reflections that I shared with you about how I do create a lot, I do write a lot, I do make things all the time, those reflections came from a curious place, came from me saying, "OK, what's wrong?" Well, one, my mind is tired. My cup is empty. My well is dry. And that was a really helpful thing to realize, and a self-honoring thing to realize, right?

When I ask with curiosity, "What's wrong? What's wrong here, not just with me but what's going on?" another thing I recognized, and this was fascinating—many of you know that once upon a time I was a PhD candidate. I was studying to get a PhD in English and, oh my gosh, my relationship to writing was so traumatized through that experience, really.

In graduate school, again and again and again, I sat to witness my work really torn apart. And to be fair, that's what we were learning to do in graduate school. Oh my gosh. Can you hear that doggo is picking up on my [laughs]—I still have pain from that experience.

My graduate school experience was, let's learn how to criticize. Let's learn how to slice and dice and poke holes in one another's arguments. And I'm not saying that's what literary criticism has to be but that's certainly what it was in my schooling.

So another thing I realized as I got curious—like, what's wrong here? What's going on?—I realized that though I've done a lot, especially through my newsletter, I've done a lot to, you know, rehabilitate my relationship to writing, to open it up again, to allow myself to express my ideas more freely. When it came to the idea of a bigger project, a lot of those old traumas and dramas are activated for me.

It's so interesting and, again, so self-honoring, so helpful to recognize, oh, when you are in a classroom environment, and when you are thinking about a bigger project, it is like dissertation vibes all over again. And P.S., no, I did not finish my dissertation. I started it, and then I left school before I finished it.

So, again, it's by turning a curious rather than critical eye on that question, "What is wrong with me?" opening up, expanding, like, unfurling answers to that question that is so much more empowering, because when I'm in that more expansive and curious place, then I am so much more aware of the co-created nature of the problem.

And that's the thing, right? The problem is never isolated or insulated in a particular individual. Yeah? It really isn't. We're all in this together. Very often, there are huge systemic forces at play. There are whole histories that are alive in us, much as every oppressive force always wants to blame the individual for whatever it is. Blame the individual for the cluttered and messy room. Blame the individual for the binge eating. Blame the individual for the inability to save money, right? [laughs]

The bigger systems are always wanting to pin on individuals the responsibility and fault for the problems, but they're all co-created, all of them. And this of course gives so much power, gives a microphone, a megaphone to the inner critic, when really any problem that we are facing isn't actually of our own singular creation, because all of us are in co-creation all the time. Yeah?

So this is the spell for neutralizing the inner critic. I almost even imagine it as like taking the microphone from the inner critic that wants to have that narrowing, incisive view that cuts down into you, and ultimately, right, cuts you down so that not only are you facing the problem but you also are left with what? I mean, what are you left with to actually address it?

When you narrow down into a conclusion that "I guess I'm just lazy, I guess I'm just bad, I guess I'm just talentless," whatever it is, yeah, then you've forgotten [laughs] all of who you are. You've hidden away from all the resources available to you to co-create something different. Yeah?

So this spell to neutralize the inner critic, it really is going from like, "Ugh, why can't I go to the gym? Why can't I go for my walk? Why can't I sit down to write?" going from asking that question with the implication that, well, it's something wrong with me, to opening up in a curious way, "Why can't I go to the gym?"

"Oh, you know, it's actually a really unpleasant drive." "Oh, you know, I'm also responsible for dinner, and so if I try to go after work, I'm also just thinking about the grocery list, and thinking about how I'm going to prep dinner, and so it just becomes too overwhelming." "Why can't I go to the gym?" "You know, my body really hurts, and I'm going to the gym, and I'm asking myself to do a really challenging workout when I'm in pain. And the challenging workout sounds torturous rather than empowering," right?

When I open up that question with curiosity, I neutralize the critic and, much more importantly, I access what is, I believe, our superpower as humans, the power to investigate, the power to wonder, the power to solve a puzzle. So, like I said, I deployed this this week here at the writing retreat, day two. I was so crawling out of my skin [laughs] to try to sit to write, and so I set out for a long walk, which was lovely, and I pondered with curiosity that question.

"What is wrong with me? What is wrong? What is going on here? Why? Why can't I just sit to write?" And I came up with those answers I shared with you. When I discovered that I was tired creatively, when I discovered that some of my old grad school trauma was reactivated, I then chose to treat myself really differently for day three and day four and day five of the retreat.

And I don't for a minute want to pretend like this was easy. This was a practice. This was a very conscious practice to be curious rather than critical, to wonder what was wrong rather than decide that it was me. And after those days and days of being on a writing retreat not writing [laughs], I mean, it's just what I had to do. But being so open and curious then, what do you know, on the final day with my cup so much more full, with my brain on curiosity rather than on criticism, an idea came to me, and it came easily. And I'm in the place not that's narrow and small, but I'm in the place that is expansive and excited.

I don't expect to remain here. [laughs] I don't expect that this is a one and done. Turning that coin of criticism, the rhetorical answer to "what's wrong?" over into the curious answer to "what's wrong?" that's a continual process. We'll have to do that again and again and again.

But here's the thing, what does the inner critic really want? The inner critic wants us to be better. It just turns out that for the vast majority of us, the inner critic doesn't actually help us to be better. It's the inner wonderer, the one who is fueled by curiosity that most helps us improve and evolve.

All right, my love, I hope this was helpful, the spell for neutralizing the inner critic, and I hope you try it to open up wherever it is that you've been shutting yourself down. As always, thank you so much for listening. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world.

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.

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