A Spell for Getting Yourself Together

Let’s be real, I could have called this episode

A Spell for Getting Your SELVES Together.

Because we all contain multitudes,

and all those parts of us have their own

perspectives and priorities.

No decision, no approach, no tactic,

is going to be effective unless we learn

to love and appreciate what all those parts are trying to say.

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Mentioned:

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, by Dr. Richard Schwartz

Make Magic:

This spell isn’t for self-domination.

It’s for selves understanding.

For choosing objectives and methods

that are whole self honoring.

Transcript: A Spell for Getting Yourself Together

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

All right, my friend. Hello, welcome. Today's spell is a spell for getting yourself together. And really, I also could have titled it a spell for getting yourselves together, as you will soon see, because my idea here is that, you know, there are these moments where there's something that you want to do, there's something you desire to step into to make happen, and yet somehow you're not quite figuring out how to get it going. 

You're not quite figuring out how to start making moves, how to start making time, how to start making progress, right? These are the moments where it's like, OK, I've just got to get myself together, or I've just got to get my shit together, or as my sister would say, I need to get my poop in a pile. [laughs] So this is a spell for that, for when we just can't seem to get it together to make something happen. 

Now, the way I think about this that I find super helpful for me, and also in my work with clients, is that I am not a singular self. As Walt Whitman writes, "I contain multitudes." There are a lot of different aspects of me, a lot of different parts of me. 

I fully agree with Dick Schwartz, who is the founder of Internal Family Systems, and approach to psychology that says that we are not mono-minded, meaning, we don't have a singular voice in our heads. We have lots of voices in our head. We are not singular inside; we are multiplex. There are many sides, parts, aspects of us. 

So IFS, Internal Family Systems, is based on this idea. We are inherently multiplex. We have many parts, and these parts form a kind of family or a system inside of ourselves. So according to this perspective, when the parts cooperate, when they can work together, then the system works well, and then we are able to make progress, move forward, do stuff, right? 

But when the parts can't cooperate, when the system isn't working, when there's not communication and collaboration among the parts, it makes it very difficult to do things. It makes it very difficult to make moves, to make progress. So to illustrate this, I thought an example might be helpful. So here's the example I'll give: decluttering a closet.

Let's say that what you really want to do is declutter, clear out, streamline your closet, and this might be because there is a part of you that really values efficiency, and minimalism, and clarity. Like this is the part of you that goes to an Airbnb, you know, like a little sort of two-room, super-charming Airbnb situation, and is like, oh, if I could only live like this, right, conveniently forgetting about all the stuff that you have. [laughs] Right?

So there might be this part in you that is like, yes, this is something I value. This is something I want to move toward. I want fewer belongings. I want to be able to come into my closet, and see what I have. Like, I'm ready for less stuff. 

And yet, there may also be another part of you that is frugal. There may be a part of you that grew up learning waste not, want not. There may be a part of you that is like, well, these are perfectly good garments, yeah, and this part of you might say, "This jacket doesn't really fit right now, but if I lose 10 pounds, then I think it will fit again." Right? 

This is the part of you that's like, "I know I haven't yet worn this dress that I bought, it's still got the tags on, but I can't get rid of it. It still has the tags on." Right? This part of you that is like, "I mean, there might be an occasion when I want to wear this jumpsuit," even though every time you put on the jumpsuit, you only wear it for two minutes, and then you take it off in favor of something else, right? So, yes, you have your kind of minimalist, efficiency-oriented part, but maybe you also have this kind of pack-rattish [laughs], frugal part. 

There might also be a nostalgic part in there that's like, "Oh, but this was my favorite blouse. I used to wear this all the time. I wore it in good times." There may be that nostalgic part that's like, "Oh, but my grandmother bought this for me, this skirt, and she was always so happy when I wore it. I can't get rid of it." Right? 

There may also be in there a maximalist part who loves to have lots and lots of choices, and loves to self-express through clothing. There may also be a part in there that is making decisions all the time, and is overwhelmed, and has major decision fatigue, right? 

And so, in the end, does the closet get decluttered when all of these parts are kind of talking over one another? No. No, the closet does not get decluttered. We do not get ourself together because we are not getting ourselves together. 

So you might take a moment now to think about something that you have been wanting to do: taxes finished before the deadline for the extension that you filed; or a morning routine or ritual that feels really good and nourishing and not phone-centric. Maybe you, like all of the amazing people who joined me for my Crucible project, you want to get yourself together around some new initiative. You want to make a podcast. You want to write a book. You have this interest in creating something, and you can't seem to get yourself together, right? 

So wherever that is, if you are not taking steps forward, making progress, my guess is that yourselves, your inner system, your inner family isn't cooperating. The parts are not all on board with the project, and the parts maybe aren't hearing one another, and especially the obstructionist parts aren't getting the attention that they need.

And that is Dick Schwartz's whole theory, that all our parts need attention and love and understanding. In fact, the title of his book that I totally recommend is No Bad Parts. There are no bad parts. He writes, you know, "Even the parts that want to self-harm or harm others, even the parts that are really destructive in the self and in the world, they are not inherently bad and not even ill-intentioned."

He writes, and I'm inclined to agree, that destructive parts are in fact protective, likely because they are traumatized and locked-in trauma. I will extend that and say that obstructionist parts, the parts that get in the way of us doing what it is that we want to do, those parts aren't bad and don't need to be disciplined or managed or transformed. Those parts need to be understood and loved and nurtured and cared for. 

And I realize I just used [laughs] a lot of synonyms for "nurtured," but I hope that just underscores how essential that is, right, especially because I think the dominant culture is like, could you just squash, silence, excise, destroy those parts, yeah? It's interesting, Dick Schwartz talks about how this idea of the mono-mind, of the mind with one voice and a singular focus, that it's really interwoven with so many religious traditions that want you to be virtuous and thinking virtuous thoughts all the time, that want you to be disciplined and being disciplined all the time, being devout all the time, and there's not room for the parts that doubt or the parts that desire. 

So really, I mean, it's no surprise that a dominant, controlling culture suggests domination and control inside of you, right, that that dominant culture isn't like, let's listen to dissenting voices. That dominant culture is like, let's suppress dissenting voices. Yeah?

So here's the spell [laughs]. Here's the spell forgetting yourself/yourselves together. I say this all the time to my clients. All parts are welcome, and no one gets voted off the island. That is, all of the parts of you are essential to you. This is what makes you, you. And getting your parts to communicate and collaborate and understand one another, that is not only what is going to help you make progress but, even more importantly, that is what is going to help you progress toward what you actually want, what your whole self can get on board with.

So when all parts are welcome, and no one gets voted off the island, that means even [laughs] the most annoying parts—and you're allowed to be annoyed by them. You're allowed to be annoyed by this procrastinator who just will resist any deadline, and/but you can't get rid of her. No one gets voted off the island. 

We have to learn what she wants. We have to learn what's motivating her. We need to learn what wisdom, what valuable perspective she has to share. Yeah?

In my coaching method, I do parts work in lots and lots of different ways. I love to lead SoulCollage sessions. I'm a SoulCollage Facilitator. And SoulCollage is a right-brain-led way of exploring and creating more understanding and intimacy with our various parts through a creative process. So I love to incorporate SoulCollage especially into my retreats. It is, for me, best done in person, but that's a way that I do parts work. 

Another way that I do parts work is I incorporate it into my Conjure method of coaching. The U in Conjure [laughs] stands for unite your inner council, and I talk a lot with my clients about how we can bring our different parts together into community, and get them to work together. And what I find is that when we see ourselves as multiplex—[laughs] I always think of the song, the Meredith Brooks song, right, "I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a child. I'm a mother. I'm a sinner. I'm a saint." Yeah? It's like when we think about ourselves in that way, we tend to spark curiosity, and to facilitate inner communication, right, such that we aren't any more interested in self-control and self-discipline. But what we're more interested in is self-expression and whole-self-honoring direction.

And really for me, this is essential to the power and magic and efficacy of my approach to coaching. And it's how people not only make progress but also just begin to experience so much more internal peace, like, much less infighting. And with less infighting, I think it is easier to make progress, to get ourselves together. 

So let's return to that closet decluttering example to kind of show how this idea of all the parts are welcome and no one gets voted off the island is so different from what I'll say is really the more dominant approach and the more dominating approach to a situation like this, yeah? So a lot of people will say, "Oh, OK, you're having a hard time decluttering your closet. Well, here's what you need to do, right? Do what Marie Kondo says. Take all of your clothing, every single garment that you own, put it on your bed, and see what sparks joy." Right? 

Or, "No, no, no, don't do that. Just like do one category of clothing at a time." Or, "No, no, no, here's what you do. You take all of your garments, and you put them in boxes, and then as you want to wear them, you pull them out of boxes. And by the end of two months, any garments that are still in the boxes, they get donated, right?" [laughs] 

So oftentimes what we do in the dominant, dominating culture is we're like, OK, who cares what's in your way? Let's just get going. Let's go immediately to strategy, let's go immediately to tactic, and let's get this thing decluttered, yeah, without pausing to wonder why, without any curiosity about the different parts of this person who may want different things, without tuning in to some of the inner dialogues, without looking for cooperation among the parts of the selves, right?

There are so many coaching and consulting approaches that go straight to let's solve this problem, rather than cultivating curiosity and compassion and communication with the multiplex person who's trying to do something differently. Yeah? So I will admit and honor [laughs] that it is maybe a little—you know, I was going to say counterintuitive, but I think it's more counter-cultural. It is counter-cultural to say, hey, the best way to spark forward action is not actually to jump into action. The best way is to pause and to figure out what's going on, like, what's in the way, who are the internal stakeholders here, and what are they saying about this? Yeah?

That is a conversation and a collaboration that takes time to build, and/but I am here to tell you, in my experience with my own self, with myriad clients, there is no strategy, no tactic that will actually work if the selves aren't on board with it. It might work for a little while, but it won't be sustainable. Or it may sound great in theory and never become an actuality because those dissenting parts aren't heard, aren't understood, and really most importantly aren't able to share their perspective, their wisdom in the situation, right?

The closet declutter who wants the minimalist Airbnb experience but actually really loves variety in their wardrobe, that lover of variety, that maximalist is never going to let the closet have only a select number of garments in it. She just won't. Now, perhaps her maximalism is itself complex. Perhaps her maximalism is partly an appreciation for variety and beauty but also partly an anxious image consciousness, right?

We can't know though until we get to know her and get to honor her. It's as we get to know that part that we can help that part grow, and really that's what it is in the end. All parts are welcome. No one is getting voted off this island. 

So how do all the parts need to grow in order to be more cooperative? I think that is a much more interesting project. I deeply believe it is a much more effective project and, not for nothing, as above, so below, as within, so without. When we create that more compassionate, collaborative, cooperative internal landscape, I think it can translate into a more collaborative, cooperative, compassionate outer landscape as well. 

When we learn how to encourage functioning in the internal family, perhaps we learn also how to encourage functioning in the external families. So the spell for getting yourself together [laughs] is not actually a spell for self-domination. It is a spell for selves understanding. It is a spell for getting the selves together for choosing objectives and choosing methods that are whole-self-honoring. 

I love helping people to do this, and this is also something that I am always working on my own self, so I know all parts are welcome. No one gets voted off the island. All parts have something valuable to contribute, and it's when I create a way forward that is whole-self-honoring that is when I truly feel like I have my shit together. 

All right, my love, or I should say my loves, all the parts of you. Thank you all so much for listening, and bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

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