Again, A Spell for Self-Kindness

I’m having a practice-what-I-preach moment, giving myself permission to rest when I need it, like we all, inevitably, do. So I’m resharing one of the first-ever spells from the early days of Mind Witchery, which has been so helpful for me, and feels particularly resonant in this moment.

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Mentioned:

Kristin Neff’s self-compassion work. Check out her incredibly resourceful website, which has all kinds of information and even a quiz where you can evaluate your level of self-compassion.

Make Magic:

Do something nice for yourself! If you wanted to treat a friend, what would you do? Write her a sweet card? Send him flowers? Encourage them to take the afternoon off and get a facial? Do that for YOU.

Transcript: Again, A Spell for Self-Kindness

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Hello, my friend. So I am having a big practice-what-I preach, walk-my-talk moment right now and, as such, today's episode is a little different than usual. Today I am replaying an older episode, actually, the second spell I ever shared on Mind Witchery, and that is a Spell for Self-Kindness.

And there's two reasons that I'm sharing that spell again today. Number one is that I just used it. [laughs] I found myself in a moment of just overwhelm with the amount of things I'm working on and working through. I have been really deeply invested in healing this spring, healing on a body level, like, really finally figuring out why my body is having a hard time healing and finding equilibrium. And also, I've been doing some really big psycho-emotional healing, so some big therapy and big conversations, that kind of thing.

So I used this spell, the spell for self-kindness, when I was trying to figure out how to do all the things, take care of all the business before I head out of town to go be a student for a week. Yeah? I had this sense of, oh my gosh, it's too much overwhelm, and I used the spell that I offer in this episode, the self-kindness spell, and I got exactly the answers I needed. So I thought perhaps if you haven't heard this one in a while, or if you're a newer comer to Mind Witchery, maybe you haven't delved all the way back into the catalog. I thought this spell was worth bringing out once again.

And the spell for self-kindness, as you will hear, is basically what would you say to a friend if a friend was in this same situation? And it's just amazing, the compassion, the kindness, the creativity, the permission we can access when we think about our situation but not from a self-management kind of perspective but rather from a supportive and befriending perspective.

So the one more thing I wanted to say is that this spell is helpful in a moment of overwhelm, for sure, and that's where I often use it and help my clients to use it—and/but that isn't the only place it's helpful. This spell for self-kindness is also helpful in a moment where you are considering a possibility, where you are considering a next step, big or small, where you are expanding your reach, your power, your self-investment, your visibility, yeah? The spell for self-kindness, that is to say, is useful not only when you are dealing with the too much of life but also when you are ready for more or better or different or more aligned.

OK. So, without further ado, here you go, episode three, a spell for self-kindness. I always trust that when my intuition guides me toward a choice like this, it's for a reason. So I hope, as it often does, that this episode arrives right on time for you. I also wonder if it will be fun for you if you're a regular listener of Mind Witchery to hear how I've evolved as a podcaster in these two years and two months. All right, thanks for listening.

[Music]

Hello, my sweet witchy friends. I am so glad that you're here with me today. Today I am teaching you a spell for self-kindness. A spell is a way to bring something into being, bring something into your life using the magic wand that is your mind. I want you to take a moment to think about how you tend to talk to yourself when you make a mistake, when you get caught up in habits that maybe aren't the most helpful. When you're having a tough day, how do you tend to talk to yourself?

If you're like me [laughs], if you're like most people I know, if you're like every client I've ever worked with, you are meaner to and harsher with yourself than you ever would be with anyone else. Why is that? Well, we live in sort of a punishing culture. There are these white dominant, patriarchal influences. Many of them have their roots in Puritan thinking, which is that, you know what, you're damned. [laughs] You're probably going to hell, no matter what. Maybe if you're a hard enough worker, you might somehow be spared.

But the Puritan outlook [laughs] on the fate of humans was pretty dark, and assumed badness, assumed a fall from grace, assumed sin. And so in our culture, in the underpinnings of Western culture especially, is this idea that you are no good. You can work for your salvation, or pray for it, maybe, but at the bottom of it all, you are flawed. We're steeped in that. That is the tea that is brewed [laughs] by white dominant culture, and we are all swimming in that.

We imagine, I think, that self-criticism is somehow going to make us better people, that the harder we are on ourselves, the more motivation we will have to do better. But studies actually show it's the reverse. This is mostly drawn from the work of Kristin Neff—I'll put a link to her stuff in the Show Notes—Kristin Neff, who does a lot of work around self-compassion and self-compassion theory. There are so many studies that show that it is actually self-kindness, it is actually self-compassionate thinking that promotes personal improvement.

There's a 2015 study actually that looked at people who were dealing with what they called regret experiences, like, they did something that they really wish they wouldn't have done. And the people who were self-compassionate and self-kind are the people who actually began to adopt new behaviors. The people who were hard on themselves were less likely to adopt new behaviors.

So why do we want a spell for self-kindness? First of all, because when we are kinder to ourselves, we feel better. And when we feel better, we do better. You know, self-criticism isn't only emotionally destructive. Self-criticism is physically destructive. We often think about mind as being separate from body. But actually, anxiety and depression, a mental state that is embattled, manifests in a body that is embattled also.

I recently was in a situation where I was questioning myself and judging myself and criticizing myself a lot, and I found that I was having these terrible migraines. I was having migraines, and I was having neck pain. And when the situation shifted, and when I remembered this spell [laughs], the spell for self-kindness, when I got a little bit of support in casting this spell for self-kindness, support from my friends and from my coaches, those headaches, that neck tension started to go away.

Why else do we need a spell for self-kindness? Because self-criticism actually decreases motivation to change, and that makes total sense, right? When I tell myself, "You are a loser. You are undisciplined," it is not difficult to see myself acting in ways that confirm that thinking. I tell myself I'm no good, I feel terrible, and when I feel terrible, I'm not necessarily doing the kinds of things that I want to do, behaving in the ways that I want to behave.

I'm certainly not taking very good care of myself. I'm not taking good care of my body. I'm not taking good care of my relationships. I'm not taking good care of my environment. And all of that has the effect of decreased evolution [laughs] in the direction I want to go, decreased productivity, decreased motivation. It is very difficult to evolve and grow when we are engaging in lots of nasty self-criticism. The bottom line here is that being mean to ourselves only makes things worse.

So remember, why are we so mean to ourselves? Well, it's learned behavior. Maybe we saw our parents doing it. Maybe we have just picked it up in the general culture that that's the idea. We've seen the movies where the coach yells in the face of the athlete and then, you know, the athlete is determined, and goes and, you know, scores the winning shot. We've seen that. We know that narrative.

It's not true, of course, but we are mean to ourselves because we learn to be mean to ourselves. Now, at the same time, especially if you have been socialized with feminine norms, if you are a woman or a femme or you've got lots of circles with lots of women in them, we're taught to be self-sacrificing and self-critical and, at the same time, to nurture and to care for other people.

So here is the spell for self-kindness. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Let's say you've made a mistake. Let's say you've lost your temper with your mom or your child or your neighbor. Imagine your friend came to you and, you know, I like to imagine here a friend with whom I have a really deep, honest relationship. So a good friend, those friends that will tell you, "Hey, there's another way of looking at this."

I want you to imagine that your friend came to you and said, "Oh my gosh, I really fucked up. I yelled and screamed at my mom, my kid, my neighbor." What would you say to her? And really take a moment to imagine that. She feels terrible. She's ashamed and regretful.

You might say, "Hey, you know what, we all lose our temper sometimes." We might say, "That sucks. I'm so sorry. I can tell you feel terrible." We certainly won't say anything like, "Well, that's why no one loves you, because you can't keep your shit together." [laughs] We're not going to say, "Well, that's why you don't have any friends, because you've got a major anger issue."

Rather, we might say, "What's going on? Tell me more about what happened," right, and really listen to her side of the situation. We might say, "You know, I've noticed that you've said that this happens a lot. How can I help you?" So I hope you can hear not just in the content of what I'm saying but also in my tone that when I talk to myself like I'd talk to a friend, I'm kind. I'm curious. I come with a desire to help.

OK. Let's imagine that something unfortunate has happened in your life. Maybe your partner broke up with you, or you are fired from your job. The self-critical mind has a field day in these places. That's why we call our friends [laughs], because what is it that our friends say to us in these circumstances? Our friends say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

Our friends encourage us to take the time that we need. Very unlike the self-critical voice, our friends aren't going to be pushing us into what's next. They make space for us to cry and to heal.

One more. Let's imagine you're caught in a destructive habit. Maybe you are staying up too late every night, even though you keep telling yourself you're going to go to bed. Maybe you are drinking more than you'd like to be drinking.

The self-critical mind will be so abusive in these situations, and that abusiveness—everyone, this is so key. When the self-critical mind is like, "What is wrong with you? Ugh, there you go again. You've done it again. You're weak, and you can't keep your promises."

When we talk to ourselves in that way, we don't have much motivation to make a change. We don't have the wherewithal sometimes to make the change. Scraping at the bottom of the well, trying to find some bit of belief in ourselves in those moments makes it even more difficult.

So how would we talk to a friend in that moment? OK, you're in your destructive habit. You're staying up too late. You're drinking more than you want to. What will your friend say in this moment? Probably not, "Ugh, what is wrong with you?" Probably something more like, "Hey, I'm worried about you. I love you. How can I help?"

In all of these situations, after we make a mistake, after a moment of rejection, in a moment of self-destruction, it really is self-kindness that's the balm. It's self-kindness that gives us the nourishment we need, the fuel that we need in order to move in the direction that we want to move, in order to evolve toward the self that we're wanting to be in the world.

So what are a couple of ways to actually practice this? Like I said earlier, you want to think of a friend—it's great if you can really home in on someone specific—a friend, a family member, someone you love and you're honest with, and someone who's honest with you. And if you're like, "I don't even have that kind of friend," that's OK. A coach, a therapist, a mentor, right?

Think of someone who loves you and believes in you. Really think about if that person told me that they'd just had the experience I'm having, how would I talk to them? What would I want them to know? How would I want them to feel?

You could do this in your mind. You could just be thinking about it, and creating a little dialogue in your mind. You could also—if you really need a nice big dose of self-kindness, you can write yourself a letter, a little exchange. You could sit down, and you could write, "Dear me [laughs], here's what happened. What do you think or what should I do?" And then turn the page, and answer yourself from that kind place, as if you were writing to a friend.

In this way, you will build friendship with yourself. You will get better at being your own best friend rather than your own worst enemy. As you cultivate this self-kindness, I want you to know it will be easier for you to be resilient, emotionally and also in your everyday life.

Think about it. We would never call up someone who's been cruel or mean to us to tell them, "Ugh, I just yelled at my neighbor, or so-and-so just broke up with me." We wouldn't want to hear what they said [laughs], and so internally, let's begin to ask the inner bully to step aside so that we can talk to our inner friends.

OK. Most important, whenever you're doing spell casting like this, just notice the difference. So I don't want you to expect a total miracle. Just like a friendship with a person that's not yourself, a friendship with yourself is going to take time to cultivate. You'll build it over time, and the results will blossom over time.

And yet, I encourage you to notice the difference that self-kindness makes. Notice what happens when you say, "You know what, girl, take the day off. You know what, the world is not going to fall apart if you spend the weekend in bed. Hey, I love you. How can I help? What support do you need?"

When we begin to ask ourselves those questions, when we begin to give ourselves that encouragement, I promise you, you will find the fuel for your own personal evolution. You'll use it, and you'll begin to build the life that you really want.

So notice the difference. Notice what happens when you are self-kind. It'll be subtle for a while, until it's not; until you are showing up to have your own back rather than showing up to punish yourself.

All right, witches. So there you have it, a spell for self-kindness. Ask yourself, "How would I talk to a friend in this exact same situation, feeling the exact same feelings? If she came to me with this story, what would I say to her? How would I support her? What would I ask her? How would I love her?"

I hope you'll give it a try. I hope you'll notice the difference that it makes. I hope you'll become a better friend to you, and I hope you'll tune in for more spells soon. Thanks so much for being here. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world.

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.

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