A Spell for Navigating Difficult Relationships

Are you stuck in a relationship you just can’t leave?

With a partner, a boss, a friend or family member.

Spoiler alert: you aren’t.

You exist at choice

There may be a million reasons why you choose

to stay involved, but it is your choice.

Always.

When you’ve decided that

a difficult relationship is worth maintaining

here is a spell to help you center your values,

and show up as the person you want to be.

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Mentioned:

Mind Witchery Episode 70, A Spell to Get People To Do What You Want

Make Magic:

When relationship is challenging,

remember the wisdom of my client.

You don’t need people to change, because

you are changing and growing,

and that is the only change that matters.

Transcript: A Spell for Navigating Difficult Relationships

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, honeybun. Are you a terms of endearment person? Are you into nicknames and terms of endearment? I so am. It's very rare that I call someone by their full name. [laugh] I just love—I love terms of endearment.

OK. So, hello, my darling. I thought today's episode, here between some elections in the United States and the holidays, I thought it might be a great time for a Spell for Navigating Difficult Relationships. 

And this is super fun. As I was kind of thinking about this spell and what I wanted to say, I got a message from a client of mine, from someone with whom I'm working one-on-one right now. And this particular client has a very difficult relationship with her mother. 

And what she said in this message, which is what I want to bring to you today, she said, "You know, I'm just realizing I don't need people to change. They're going to show up however they show up. I don't need them to change, because I'm changing. That's what matters. I am changing. I don't need other people to change."

And she said this after having gotten off the phone with her mom, who kind of acted as she generally acts. But my client got to be in a completely different space with it, in this space where she's like, "I'm growing, I'm changing, and so I don't need you to be any certain kind of way. You can just be who you are. I don't have to expect you to be different. I can want you to be different, but I don't need you to be different because, the thing is, I am growing and changing."

So, that is what I hope this episode and this spell will empower in you. All right. So, here is the kind of foundational premise when we're navigating a difficult relationship. We must remember I exist at choice. I do not have to be in relationship. As an adult person, I do not have to be in relationship. I can opt out.

Now, it's very likely that there are lots of reasons that you have to choose to be in a difficult relationship. Perhaps you have a coparent that you divorced. You opted out of the marriage part of that relationship, but you still share children with this person, and so you choose to be in a coparenting relationship with them.

It may be that there is someone at work that is really difficult. It could be a team member. It could be your boss. And you want to stay in the job that you're in, and so you are choosing to deal with this person.

It may be that it's like a neighbor or a family member, someone to whom you are adjacent a lot [laugh], and like you don't want to move, and you don't want to give up completely family gatherings, and so you are choosing to stay in some kind of relationship with this person.

Now, the terms of that relationship, the depth of that relationship, the boundaries around that relationship, those are all aspects of the relationship that you can shape, and that I think you will want to shape from a position of empowerment, of understanding that you do have a choice. Right? So, that's kind of underneath all of this is that idea. We always have a choice.

And if you're like, "No, Natalie, actually, I don't have a choice," I would love for you really to look at that relationship and to see that whatever reason you have that you have to be in a relationship is actually a reason you are choosing to be in a relationship. Yeah? OK. So, very important to start from there. We exist at choice. 

So, here's then the way of thinking about it: that what we are doing when we are choosing to be in a difficult relationship is we are choosing to step into the challenge of it. In this way, the difficult relationship is growth fodder. It's like this is going to be something that helps me to grow; that helps me to cultivate integrity. Like, I am choosing to step into the challenge of this relationship. 

And that, I hope, I will feel so much better than, "Ugh, I just have to deal with this boss, this ex, this parent." No, you don't have to deal with it. You choose to step into the challenge of it. And, again, this means that we're coming from a position not of victimhood but of agency, of empowerment. Like, yeah, this is my choice.

So, that means that I get to choose what the challenge in the relationship is. So, a lot of times in a difficult relationship, we'll be like, "Ugh, I'll tell what the challenge is. The challenge is this other person's bullshit. [laugh] The challenge is this person who lies and doesn't stay true to their word. Or the challenge is this person who is manipulative, or the challenge is this person who is a blatant misogynist or a closet racist. That's the challenge."

And I'll just invite you to reframe that, and to say, "No, the challenge is actually how can I be true to myself? How can I stand centered in my own values, in my own intentions in the face of this person and their bullshit?" It's a subtle shift, but I think it's a really important one. 

The challenge is not that this person won't keep their word. The challenge is how do I stay true to me, how do I stand for me when this person is not true to their word? What does that look like? You see?

So, it's really not about them. Like my client said, "I don't need them to change." That's not what I'm working on. What I'm actually working on is figuring out my position, is stepping into my power to grow and to change.

Now, P.S., this doesn't mean that their change doesn't matter. Of course, it does. I want them to grow the fuck up. I want them to do what they say they'll do. I want them to evolve out of their misogynist, racist bullshit, of course, right? 

But we can't make people do things and, frankly, it's not our responsibility. The thing for us to do is to stand so firmly in our own integrity and power that we are able to show a different way of being, to manifest a different way of being, to intensify this other way. [laugh] 

And when we focus our energy on that, where we actually have power to make a difference, I think then that is what shifts the relationship dynamic. Yeah? Because we're always co-creating a relationship, and so when our contribution is very clearly rooted in and cultivating more of what we want, then we're not kowtowing. We're not reacting. Like, our own contribution to the relationship is self-directed. You see?

OK. So, in this spell, what we're up to is a radical self-centering. And self-centering, what I mean by that, is that I am centering myself. I'm coming to my own values. I'm pulling together my different parts. 

I'm pulling together the part of myself that is choosing the relationship, the relationship that I don't really want but is choosing it anyway because she has her reasons, and I'm also pulling together the part that wants the relationship to be different. Right? I'm pulling those two parts together, I'm owning the choice that I'm making, and then I'm centering my values, and all of that is conjuring up an integrity, an integratedness from which I get to relate with the other person.

All right, my love, here is the spell. Here is the Spell for Navigating Difficult Relationships. The thing to ask ourselves is, "Who do I want to be in this relationship?" It is what it is. It is how it is. They have their tendencies. I have my tendencies. Given the relationship, who do I want to be? 

It might be helpful in this moment to bring a particular relationship to mind, if you haven't already. [laugh] Maybe as soon as a I said "difficult relationship," you were like, "Ugh, this might help me with them." Yeah? So, bring this particular person to mind, and let's go a little deeper into the various components of who I want to be. 

OK. So, number one, how do I want to feel? How do I want to feel? Maybe I want to feel unbothered. Maybe I want to feel cool. Maybe I want to feel calm. Maybe I want to feel steady. Right? So, really pause for a moment. How do you want to feel in this relationship?

OK. And then try this one out. What are some of the parts of you who find it easy to feel that way? So, in the relationship that I'm thinking about, there is a feminist part of me, an intellectual feminist part of me that can see so clearly where so much of the bullshit is coming from in this relationship, and I know that that part of me does feel unbothered by this other person. That part of me is like, "Oh, yeah, that's crap."

There's another part of me who's been healing, and it's like the part of me that is practicing mindfulness all the time. That part of me is able to be cool and calm in this relationship. OK. 

And then what are the parts that have a harder time with it? So, there's a part of me that tends to want to take responsibility for other people's feelings. Ooh, that part of me has a hard time in this relationship. That part of me wants so much to change the other person. 

Or there's a part of me that can shift into martyrdom, that can get very woe is me, and that part of me also—like [laugh], this relationship can really hook that part of me, and bring her right to the front of the line. 

So, when you think about your various parts, what are the aspects of you that do feel the way you want to feel in this relationship, and what are the aspects of you that resist or feel another kind of way in the relationship? And where do you access these parts? Where do you access these parts? Like, I access my reflective, mindful part in coaching, when I get coached, or in journaling, when I sit with my thoughts really intentionally. 

I access the intersectional feminist in me when I read books by feminists, or when I watch TikToks by feminists, or when I talk with my feminist friends. Right? So, those parts of you, how do you access them, where do you access them, and how can you do more of that? How can you nurture that to help to strengthen their role? Right? If you would like these parts to take the lead in this relationship, to say, "All right, everybody, this is how we want to feel in this relationship," then doing more of the things that bring them forward will be really helpful.

It might be that, you know, I have this one friend, and when I talk with her about this situation, I feel so much better. That friend then becomes a resource for you to tap into. And when you are navigating a challenging relationship, resources are really helpful, right, any kind of challenge. 

If I were going to run a marathon—I mean, I can't really imagine doing that, but let's just pretend [laugh]—if I were going to run a marathon, I would want to be equipped. I would want to make sure that I had lots of carbs the night before. I would want to make sure that I had engaged some kind of trainer or training program. Like, I would want support in meeting that challenge. And you too, you can get support in meeting the challenge of a difficult relationship. 

OK. So, when you're engaging these resources, and when you're feeling more of the way that you want to feel vis-à-vis the difficult relationship, I think it's helpful to notice how are you thinking about it. How are you thinking about it? What are you believing?

So, we started this episode. I shared with you what my client said to me. "I don't need people to change. I'm changing." That would be an example of something that could be really helpful to believe in the relationship. 

Another example, something that might help me with my over-responsible-for-other-people's-feelings part might be, "I am not responsible for his feelings. His feelings are not my responsibility." And I might remind myself of that before, say, I interact with him or before I read a text from him. 

So, figuring out, OK, what is it that I want to believe? What are the beliefs? What are the thoughts? What are the spells, really, that help me to feel the way I want to feel, to call forth the parts that I want to call forth in this relationship? 

And what this really eventually kind of comes around to are what are my values? What is important to me? What is important to me, maybe not even just in this relationship but generally in the world?

Like, when I ask myself, "Who do I want to be?" I'm asking myself, "What are the values that I want to center here?" And then when you're thinking about bringing the values to life, always start with yourself. Yeah?

So, for example, generosity is a key value of mine, a very core and guiding value of mine, generosity. In a difficult relationship, though, I need to take care to be sure that I am being generous with myself. 

Another value might be responsibility. Like, responsibility is really important to me. And, so, you say, "OK, cool, how am I taking responsibility for myself?" 

So, not in the relationship, right, because it's likely than I'm being over-generous in the relationship. You're being over-responsible in the relationship. Like, the value is kind of warped a little bit, and we're saying, like, "Oh, look, there's, like, there's generosity, there's responsibility in the relationship. But, wait a minute, it's all coming from me and my side." [laugh] Yeah?

So, instead, we say, "OK, generosity is important to me, and here's how I'm being generous with myself first." And then the way to be generous in the relationship while holding true, holding in integrity generosity with myself, hmm, it looks like this. 

Or you might say, "OK, so, responsibility in this situation, it's going to start with me to me. I will be responsible for myself, with myself. That's where it begins." And now responsibility in the bigger relationship looks like this. I'm going to hold responsibility with me, and then I can give it into the relationship as well. 

And, importantly, in both cases, I'm not expecting it from the other person. Right? I am stepping into the challenge of holding true to my values in a difficult relationship, and that doesn't mean that I need the other person to hold true to my values. 

It means that I am learning how I can stand centered in my values, apply my values to my relationship with me, and then what happens when I move into the relationship centered in those values? What does generosity begin to look like? What does responsibility begin to look like when it's starting from me to me, when it's integrated?

So, this is all very kind of cerebral. A way to get into this that could feel maybe a little more embodied or a little more emotionally integrated and deep is this. I'd love for you to imagine a version of yourself, almost like a character in a show, a version of yourself who feels the way you want to feel; who is centered in the values that you want to center; who thoroughly believes what you want to believe. And it could be, again, that it's a part of you. 

And you can even just picture on a stage a scene where the other person is. There they are, sitting on the couch, watching the football game. There they are, dropping off the kids. There they are in the meeting, overtalking again. So, you can imagine that.

And then watch the scene play out with you being who you want to be. How do you hold your body? What's the expression on your face? What are you wearing? What do we see you doing? Like, how do we see you in this space? What do you do with your body? How do you hold yourself when you're being who you want to be?

I hope this works for you. I love thinking of myself in this way. I have this [laugh] very sort of like elegant and composed posture in my mind's eye when I see myself being who I want to be in the relationship. I have this placid face with just like a tiny bit of bitchiness in it [laugh], just a little dusting of bitchiness. But that says, like, "No." 

Like, there is a calmness and also a definite "no" in this character's face, and I want that for myself. And, so, I might kind of imagine a scene or three where I'm being who I want to be, where I am purposefully stepping into the challenge of this difficult relationship, where I am using it as an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to strengthen these parts of myself that can more fully live from the values that I want to see more of in the world.

All right, my love. So, you exist at choice. You do not have to be in a relationship. But you can choose to step into the challenge of a relationship with this spell. 

Given that they tend to act how they tend to act, given that they show up how they tend to show up, who do I want to be in this relationship? How do I want to feel? What are the parts of me I want to lead in the relationship? What do I want to believe? What are the values I want to center? What are the values I want to extend first to me, to myself?

If this is sounding good, but you want a little bit more, go check out Episode 70. It's a Spell to Get People To Do What You Want. Spoiler alert: you can't. But [laugh] it does elaborate more fully this idea of the way to really change the dynamic of a relationship is to center yourself so deeply in your own growth and evolution. 

Thank you, as always, so much for listening. I'm impressed with you for figuring out how to navigate this difficult relationship, and I'm excited for you to discover that when you really center yourself in this truth that you exist at choice, that this is your choice, so much creativity, so many other options and, listen, so many surprises in the co-creation itself, so much more becomes available, and that's you and your magic. Your Mind Witchery is conjuring that. I'm so excited for you to experience it.

All right. Thank you so much for listening, and bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording