A Spell for Sovereignty in a Co-Created World

Everything we make is created in collaboration,

not just with other people, but with the systems

that choose whose needs are given priority.

Here’s a spell for when you’re not sure

the people (and systems) you’re co-creating with

are aligned with your most important values.

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Mentioned:

Learn about setting high-quality goals with Episode 44 of Mind Witchery and the MAGIC Goals worksheet.

Two fun, collaborative games we like to play in our house are Codenames and Forbidden Island.

Make Magic:

Don’t fall into the trap of binary thinking

around whose goals and values matter most

in a co-creative relationship.

Your options aren’t just win or lose.

You are always free to find a new

partner, employer, collaborator

who resonates and harmonizes

with your priorities.

Transcript: A Spell for Sovereignty in a Co-Created World

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hi. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Oh, my gosh, so many of you loved the episode on MAGIC goals. I have to say I was [laugh] hearted to hear how many people, like me, find SMART goals just, ugh, suffocating. [laugh] And it was so gratifying to see your response to MAGIC goals.

And I would love to know—so, you have to keep me posted—I would love to know are they working for you, or what makes goal-setting different for you by just using MAGIC goals? And if you haven’t listened to that episode yet, I hope that you will go. It’s the one right before this. I think it’s Episode 44 about setting MAGIC goals as opposed to SMART goals.

So, interestingly, today’s episode is aligned with the sort of theory behind MAGIC goals, and I’ll tell you how in a moment. But today’s episode is A Spell for Sovereignty in a Co-created World. I must tell you that I quite love the word “sovereignty.” I love how it gestures toward our inherent nobility, our inherent integrity and worthiness and deservingness.

When I say I’m sovereign, I’m not just saying I’m the boss of me; I’m also saying [laugh], almost even sitting here in the little podcasting studio, I sit up a little taller. I life my chin slightly. I’d love for you to take a moment to notice this. When you think of your sovereignty, how does it shift your posture? 

For me, there’s a lift in my chest. Like I said, there’s a tilting up of my chin. I feel regal. I feel like the star of my own life. And, my goodness, I want that for you. I want that for all of us. 

And/but when we all are sovereign in the same house, the same neighborhood, the same state, the same planet, we will often want to go different directions. We will want to prioritize different preferences. The whole world, as I’m saying all the time, is co-created. None of us are doing this on our own. 

And we’re co-creating the world amidst creations that have come before us, many of which systematically disempower certain of us. Right? So, how can we be sovereign in a world that is co-created? How can we be sovereign in a world that we are continuing to co-create? 

So, a few days ago, I was coaching a brilliant client, and we were talking about parenting. We were talking about how we want to raise our daughters to be sovereign. We want our children to feel free to be who they are; to like what they like; to do what they want to do. And, at the same time, sometimes what they want is at odds with what we want. Sometimes, what they want is at odds with what parental responsibility seems to dictate. 

And this, of course, is not limited to parenting. This shows up in workplaces where people want different things. It shows up in romantic relationships. It shows up in friendships. It shows up in neighborhoods. It shows up everywhere, right, because we are all different, and we have different ways we like to do things. We have different things that are important to us.

Now, sometimes, we align, and that’s always very mutually bolstering. But when we don’t align, how then do we create situations where everyone’s sovereignty is respected? And I want to be very humble in this moment, and to say that is actually a big-ass humanity problem right there. [laugh] That’s a tough one because the reality is that it’s difficult, as we see all over the planet and through our lives, it’s difficult when two people want different things in a relationship, or when two colleagues want different things in a workplace.

However, as my client and I were talking this through, a spell just came through to me, and that’s what I want to share with you today. The spell for sovereignty in a co-created world is this: there are many ways we can meet our needs. There are many ways we can meet our needs. 

OK. So, here is what can often happen in an interpersonal conflict. I will say, “I strongly want A.” And you will say, “I strongly want B.” And then we set into, well, is it A or is it B? Is it A or is it B? And it can appear for a moment like there are two choices: A or B. And that’s where we get into power struggle where one person either yields or is overruled, and the other person, I guess, wins—is I think the way we think of it. 

Now, to me, this A or B, black and white, very binary thinking exists in the same world that SMART goals come from, right [laugh], Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-bound. For me, that world of choice A or choice B exists in that same sort of rigid and bound way of thinking. 

But when we say there are many ways we can meet our needs, we open up choices beyond A and B. Now C and 40 and star are available, right? [laugh] There are more options available than just A and B. And that is where we get into a place not just of compromise—though I do think there is some compromise happening there—but we get into a place of co-creativity, right, and we start to think about what is actually important to me here? 

How is it that I want to feel? What are the values that I really want to bring to life? And then what about you, my co-creator? How do you want to feel? What are the values that you want to bring to life? And then what can we come up with together that allows us both to get what we want, or maybe even something better?

So, I want to offer you an example of this from my own life. In my household, three out of four of us love to play games. We love board games. We love word games. We love to sit down and play games. And one of us, one of the four of us, does not love games—or, at least, not all games.

Now, I grew up with game-playing as a really fun and engaging way to be with the people I loved. I have so many memories of sprawling out on the bedroom floor with my sister, and playing games. And, still, when we get together, we always play games—usually Boggle, and she almost always beats me. I played games with my boyfriends, growing up, and just, for me, they’ve always been this really fruitful and pleasureful site of connection. And the other two game-lovers in my house, I think, feel the same way. 

But the fourth member of the household finds games to often be stressful. However, what I have discovered in co-creating with this child of mine is that there are certain kinds of games that have qualities that she really enjoys. So, for example, cooperative games, she is a little more excited to play cooperative games than competitive games. 

This was something actually my partner discovered. When there’s a cooperative game, when there’s teamwork happening in the game, she is much more likely to be interested. So, games like Codenames, games like Forbidden Island, she’s more apt to play those kinds of games. And if you don’t know those games, they’re both really fun. I’ll put links to them in the Show Notes.

Here’s another thing I discovered. When games have strict rules and a lot of pieces or a lot of components, she’s not a fan. But when games are creative and a little more open and very simple, she’s into it. So, for example, she loves games like—we did this one over winter break—a “how well do we know each other?” game. I was inspired to play this because I saw somewhere on the internet a video of Courtney Cox playing it with her teenage daughter.

And, so, the questions will be like, “What’s your pet peeve?” And then the four of us as a household, we would each write down for each person what do we think their pet peeve is. And then in the end, we went through, and we kind of checked in, and saw who was right, and who was off, and it was really fun. 

She loved that game, and this makes sense because when I think about this child’s values, she intensely values connection and caring. She’s my little Cancer Moon child. She loves to care for people. She loves to know them. And, so, it makes sense, doesn’t it, that when a game is collaborative or when a game is about showing how well you know someone, she’s really excited about it.

Now, when I think about what’s important to me about playing games, I think, you know, it’s not the “what?” It’s not “which game?” Although, listen, I really wish my family would play Bananagrams with me because it is extremely fun, and I love it, and I’m good at it, and they won’t. 

So, OK, I will say there’s a “what.” I would like to play Bananagrams with my family. But, more important than Bananagrams—I guess—more important than Bananagrams is that we are doing something together. We’re collectively engaged. Collective engagement is really important to me.

Creativity is important to me. High-quality time is important to me. And, so, the “what” we do really doesn’t matter as much as the “how” we feel. And that’s the guidance I want to offer to you as you set about being sovereign with your fellow creator, be they a romantic partner, a kid, a coworker, a friend, a team member. When we are co-creating, when we open up the possibilities beyond A and B, it’s really helpful to put the what we want aside for a moment, and to think instead about how we want to feel, the vibes we are wanting to create. So, let the “what” go, and tune into the “how.”

It’s really about vibes and values, just like MAGIC goals, right? It’s about feelings and vibes and values because there are lots and lots of ways to create collective engagement. But through Bananagrams is a very specific and kind of rigid and bound thing to ask for. When I go to my family asking for collective engagement, please, we can figure out together how that might work. When I go to my family saying, “Let’s play Bananagrams,” and they all kind of roll their eyes, well, I mean, it’s a rigid request, and it doesn’t leave a lot of room for co-creativity. 

OK. So, I’ve been using a very fun example: family game night. But this can be used in all kinds of situations. Let’s say I’m working with someone, and it becomes clear that our endeavors aren’t aligned with my values. That is, the tasks, the endeavors, the projects of the organization align with my co-creator’s values but don’t align with mine.

When I find myself in that kind of situation, and pause, and I can say, “All right, what are the values that I want to center, and what are some ways we might be able to shift what we’re doing here in order to address those, in order to cultivate those?” It may very well be—and I have certainly experienced this—that your co-creator is unwilling to co-create, or that your values and their values are fundamentally incompatible; that there isn’t a way for them to come together in a shared, co-created endeavor.

But remember the spell. Remember the spell for sovereignty in a co-created world. There are many ways we can meet our needs, meaning I can meet my needs. I can cultivate my values in a different collaboration. I can find a different collaborator. I can find a new partner. I can find a new endeavor—and so can my co-creator. We both can be sovereign, and we can co-create in different ways, in other ways.

Let me circle back one more time to what I said about this world being co-created, meaning there are many structures—capitalistic, patriarchal, white dominant, heteronormative, ableist—there are many systems already in place with which we are co-creating. And what that means very often is that one partner in a co-creative dyad is expected to yield to the other. The employee is expected to yield to the boss. The child is expected to yield to the parent. The wife is expected to yield to the husband—or the householder is expected to yield to the breadwinner.

We have all kinds of ways where we have created a world in which certain people get to express sovereignty more than others. And that’s why, my friends, this spell to me is so very, very vital because if we find ourselves in co-creations that limit our sovereignty, we must remember there are many ways to get my needs met. 

There are many ways to get our needs met. There are other employers, and there are. There are other neighborhoods, and there are. There are other romantic partners, and there are. There are other structures for romantic relationship, and structures for co-creative workplaces. 

When we get beyond the “I want A, you want B, sorry, you yield to me,” when we get beyond that rigidity, we tap into creativity and co-creativity. And then together, we can get with the people with whom we harmonize, with whom we resonate. And we can create the work projects, the family nights, the weekends away. We can create what we want from that place.

And I’m not at all saying, oh, you just have to be with people with whom you agree. No, no, no, just with whom you resonate. There are many ways we can meet our needs. When we open up to that, we get to hold firmly in our hands the magic wand that is our co-creative mind. This is a simple spell but I think a super powerful one, taking us out of that rigid binary that demands compromise or acquiescence. Fuck that. We can do better.

So, there are many ways we can meet our needs, and we also are many. There are many co-creators with whom you can work and collaborate to meet your needs. When we get better at this, on the individual level—family-by-family; partnership-by-partnership; friendship-by-friendship; workplace-by-workplace—we do change the world. 

And when more of us are sovereign, there are more ideas. There are more solutions. There are more glimmers and sparks of creativity. That is the world I want to live in, and I want to build that world together with you. All right, my friend, thank you so much for listening. Bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording