Conjuring Unbotheredness Feat. Yetta Myrick
I have an extra special treat for you this episode.
My good friend and client Yetta Myrick is an amazing practitioner of Unbotheredness.
In this candid convo, we’ll hear how Yetta has evolved
to handle her business, and leave other people’s business up to them.
Setting boundaries and focusing on what she wants,
instead of struggling with “shoulds.”
Doesn’t that sound delicious?
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Mentioned:
Contact Yetta by email: info@DCAutismParents.org
(Coming Soon) actearlydc.org - resources to help parents monitor their children's development, and find support after an Autism or related diagnosis.
Make Magic:
Let other people worry about their business
and manage their own expectations of you.
And if you’re in the CC: ? Don’t act like you’re in the To:
Transcript:
Natalie Miller: When we are unbothered, how does that feel?
Yetta Myrick: It feels so freeing. There are boundaries that are set. Like, for me, I feel like I can do anything, right? I can still have that to-do list, right, but I’m doing things that I want to do versus doing things that I feel or the thought is that I need to do, right? And there’s a big difference in that choosing what it is that you want to do.
Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here.
Hello, my friend. I’m so excited about a super special treat that I have for you today, and that treat is my friend and my long-time coaching client, Yetta Myrick. Hi, Yetta.
Yetta Myrick: Hi, Natalie, thanks for having me. I’m so, so excited.
Natalie Miller: I’m so, so excited. And you are actually my first client ever to come on this—on the show, which is perfect, I think. Well, I mean, listen, like, you have taken our work together, and you have just, like, I don’t even know what the met…like, you’ve run with it. You’ve, like, blossomed with it. It’s just—it’s incredible. So, we’ll talk about that a little bit today. But, first, Yetta, I would love for you to introduce yourself, and let everybody know what you do.
Yetta Myrick: So, hello, everyone. As Natalie said, I’m Yetta Myrick. I have a son who’s now 18, which means I’m not going to say his name—
Natalie Miller: Oh, my gosh.
Yetta Myrick: —[laugh] if you can believe that, who has an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis as well as an intellectual disability and ADHD diagnosis. And, so, through my advocating for him, I have taken this path where I am advocating for other families. And, so, I had a whole other career. I have a communications degree, left that, which I’m not going to jump into right now. But now I am doing disability and autism advocacy work—
Natalie Miller: Yes.
Yetta Myrick: —full-time now, and that’s because of my work with Natalie, but we’ll talk about that.
Natalie Miller: [laugh] Yes.
Yetta Myrick: [laugh] Yeah.
Natalie Miller: Yeah. So, I mean, Yetta is doing her dream work, which also happens to be a marvelous contribution to our whole society. I mean, the work that you do, Yetta, is so important, and it’s so evolutionary. Like, it really is changing the way that we understand, I think, and support families who have kids who have disabilities. So, it is such an honor to get to work with you, and to get to see you blossoming into, like, this fullest expression of your creative power. And I can’t believe that child is 18 years old.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: That is—
Yetta Myrick: It’s rough, and that was—as we’re taping right now, it’s—has not—and tomorrow will be a week [laugh] from his 18 birthday.
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: So, that’s like a—there’s a whole transition thing, which we’re not going to get into on here. But if there’s anyone out there who has transitioning age youth, definitely reach out to me.
Natalie Miller: Yeah. So, actually, what we’re going to talk about today is something that Yetta has truly mastered [laugh] in our work together, and it’s a seed that we maybe planted together a long time ago that has, like, bears fruit now, and that is unbotheredness—unbotheredness. So, today’s episode is conjuring unbotheredness. So, let’s just start with, like, what we mean by that. How would you describe or define it, Yetta? What is unbotheredness?
Yetta Myrick: Well, for me, unbotheredness really is this place where there’s so many things going on that you’re just like a constant state of being annoyed, and like literally bothered. Like, there’s so many things going on, you can’t think straight. Like, it is an impediment—that’s the word I want to use—to, like, what it is that you’re trying to do, and there’s just so many things that are kind of like getting in the way that you can’t see straight. It’s like this nagging feeling for me.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, the bothered feeling where it’s like there are so many things to do. And I also think of it as like there’s so many people to take into account, like she wants that, and he needs this, and they expect—
Yetta Myrick: Yes—
Natalie Miller: —this from me.
Yetta Myrick: —all that, yes.
Natalie Miller: Yes.
Yetta Myrick: And especially when you’re in a place where you are a caregiver, right, like, there is so many things that you need to do that, oftentimes, it gets in the way of you even thinking about yourself. You’re thinking so much about what other people’s needs are that you kind of get lost in the sauce, as I like to say.
Natalie Miller: Yes, lost in the sauce is what it feels like too. It’s like it’s hot in there. [laugh] It’s like simmering sauce. It’s hot in there, and it’s like gooey, and, it is, it’s difficult to get traction because we’re always trying to attend to everybody else’s needs, and the never-ending list of to-do’s, right?
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: Yeah. So, that is definitely botheredness. So, when we are unbothered, how does that feel?
Yetta Myrick: It feels so freeing. There are boundaries that are set. Like, for me, I feel like I can do anything, right? I can still have that to-do list, right, but I’m doing things that I want to do versus doing things that I feel or the thought is that I need to do, right? And there’s a big difference in that choosing what it is that you want to do.
In the very beginning when I started working with Natalie, like, everything felt like I had to do it, right? The thought was, “I have to do this. No one else will do this.” And we know who that sounds like, right?
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: Yes.
Yetta Myrick: But, no, like, it’s taken a lot of work. It is not easy for you all out there listening. But it can be done.
Natalie Miller: It can be done. And I actually want to highlight something that Yetta just did, which is key to this, right? She just wielded a little bit of mind-witchery without maybe you noticing it. She said, “I felt like I had to do things.” Then she corrected, and she said, “That was my thought. My thought was I had to do this.”
That is a very simple and small shift that changes everything. When you realize that what you’re experiencing, the pressure that you’re feeling, is not coming from the situation. It’s coming from the way you are thinking about the situation, right, Yetta?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah, it’s very internal. It is not outside, and it’s not to say that we are not going to experience things that are outside of us that won’t affect us. But, like, one of the things that I learned very early from Natalie is that our thoughts leads to our feelings, which lead to our actions, right? So, what is that thought that you’re having, right? And then that’s going to create that feeling, which is then going to spring you into whatever action is happening. So, that’s like Natalie 101 right there.
Natalie Miller: [laugh] Well, and, I mean, I will also say that comes—that’s like coaching 101 right there. I don’t want to claim that at all. But, like, yeah, to understand—and especially, I think, you know, when we are—like you said—when we are caregivers, or when we are oriented toward making things better in the world, right? Like, I’m here because I want to make things better.
So, of course, I’m already attuned to what needs to be done. I’m already attuned to other people, and wanting to help other people. It’s just realizing that if we are only ever attuned to what needs to be done and to other people, and we are ourselves, as Yetta said, lost in the sauce, we actually—our power diffuses and dilutes, right, because we’re running around, trying to do everything, and that is just a recipe for illness and resentment and misery.
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: So, Yetta, one of the moments that you [laugh]—when we’re talking, you’re always like, “I was talking to so-and-so the other day, and I told them, ‘What you need to understand is [laugh] the three kinds of business.’” [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: [laugh] So—
Yetta Myrick: That was life-changing for me, Natalie Miller. [laugh]
Natalie Miller: [laugh] I know. Well, I mean, yeah, it was life-changing for me too. And, so, part of being unbothered, as Yetta was saying, is this kind of like, OK, where am I actually? Instead of just being bothered, like lost in agitation and worry and concern, and I’m like running to try to keep up with my life, when I am unbothered, I check in with myself, right, I check in with myself. And part of checking in with myself is figuring out how to—as we say—stay in my own business, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: So, how do you—when you talk to people about it—how do you describe the three kinds of business, Yetta?
Yetta Myrick: So, when I describe it, I describe it the way it was introduced to me by you. So, I literal…my brain, like, I everything like totally goes back to that moment—
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: —my very first coaching session with you, Natalie, and I was having a moment, talking about like what was going on in my life. And Natalie, like, literally stops me, y’all, and she’s like, “OK, Yetta, I’m going to ask you a question.” I’m like, “OK.” And she’s like, “Do you believe in God?” And I’m like, “Yes.” And she’s like, “Yeah. Do you believe in God?”
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: I’m like, “Yes, I do.” She’s, “OK, I’m going to tell you about the three types of business.” And I’m like, “OK.” And she’s like, “There’s your business. There’s God’s business. There’s everybody else’s business.” And she proceeds—and, again, I remember it like it was yesterday—to explain to me these types of businesses.
So, she says, you know, so, my son, she’s like, “What he wants to do with his life, regardless of his autism diagnosis, like, the choices that he makes, that’s his business.” The fact that my son has autism, that’s God’s business, right? And then the things that I have, (a), to see the choices that I’m making, that is my business. And, so, I—like, after that, it was—like I said—it was life-changing, so I’m like literally going out, like, green. Like, OK, like, even throughout—
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: —my day, like, whose businesses am I in? Like, even as I’m, like, getting hyped up or someone annoys me, I’m like, OK, the fact that they made that choice, that’s not my business. I need to stay in my business. And, so, that is like where I try to focus.
Now, I’m not saying that we don’t have family and loved ones who don’t bring us into their business, right? But we have to make a [laugh] conscious choice, right, to say, “OK, maybe you asked me to give you some advice on this. OK, fine. But as soon as I can get back out of it, I’m out your business because”—
Natalie Miller: [laugh] Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —[laugh] “I don’t have time to be all up in that. I got enough to do.”
Natalie Miller: Yeah, yeah. Well, and also, right, when we talk about kind of like summoning and consolidating our own power, that is in our own business.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: Where we have the most power is right here in our own—like you said—our own choices, our own lives, how we’re going to think about the world, how we’re going to feel about the world, how we’re going to act in the world, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: And that is not at all to say that we don’t care about other people.
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: We love other people.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: We love other people. But we don’t have any illusion that we can run their business for them.
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely. And I just want to say, Natalie, I think in the world that we’re in, right, we have Facebook, we have all these things where everyone is putting out their business, and, somehow, the world thinks, right, that because someone chooses to put their stuff out there that it’s then their right to say what they want to say about it. And I think that too has kind of like pushed the businesses even further than what they were.
Natalie Miller: Absolutely, absolutely. Well, we have this weird culture where, you know, we have some tendencies towards, like, co-dependency [laugh] in our culture. We have some tendencies toward, like, this advice-giving culture, right, where it’s like, “Let me tell you what to do. Oh, let me tell you how I would solve that problem, right?” Or how many times I get people saying like, “OK, well, you know, I’m really practicing quiet time in the evenings. How do I get my whole family to do it?” And it’s like, well, that’s their business. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: Like, that’s their business. How can you get to a place actually where you’re unbothered with what your family is doing? You’re so centered in what you’re doing, that you can be unbothered with your husband watching Netflix on the couch, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: So, let’s get back to the businesses. And, by the way, y’all, you don’t have to believe in God. If Yetta said, “No, I don’t really believe in God,” I would sort of say, like, I would use something else, right, to sort of say, you know, there’s like the universe’s business. Like, there’s chance. There’s the business of chance. Like, who, you know, who even knows why things happen sometimes.
So, let’s give everybody examples of, like, what does it look like to be in God’s business. What does it look like when we get all up in God’s business? It is defin…we are not feeling unbothered when we’re in God’s business, or the universe’s business for those—so, for my agnostic or atheist friends out there.
Yetta Myrick: I mean, for me, I think about, like, what recently happened, right, down in New Orleans with all the hurricanes, right. Like, there are so many people who are suffering, right, and, I mean, as I think about it right now, it’s sad, right, that people are suffering that couldn’t get out. Lives are lost. Like, that’s something, yes, I understand.
But in the same token, it’s like that was a natural disaster, and beyond our control. But, like, where we could come in or I could come in and help is maybe make a donation or support, right? So, but, again, that is just like so beyond otherworldly, like, beyond us, right?
Natalie Miller: Yeah, beyond. I mean, we can absolutely make a contribution toward a solution. But to be stewing in the worry and the sadness and the pain of it is actually not helpful, right? It’s bigger than we are. I think of it, for me—and do you have this?—every time, I’m going to take a trip, I have this whole—I do this whole little, like, fantasy that, like, definitely my plane is going to crash. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: Well, fortunately, I don’t do that. [laugh]
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: But I also—
Natalie Miller: Sorry.
Yetta Myrick: —am not someone that, like, jumps on a plane either. Like, that’s not—like, if I don’t have to be on a plane, I’m just going to honest and say, and maybe that’s probably why when I have traveled on a plane, there is this, like, deep breathing, praying, like. [laugh] So, I get—
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —where you’re coming from. [laugh]
Natalie Miller: Well, I just have the—I mean, for whatever reason, it’s that interruption in my routine that I’m, like, well, this might be it. I might be going on this trip, and I’ll never come back. And when my mind goes to that place, I’m like, you know what? That is God’s business. That is just not my busine…like, whether or not that happens, I don’t have power there. I can do my best to stay informed.
I can listen to my intuition. When I’m getting on the plane, I can check in with my body and see, hey, does this feel good? But beyond that, right, when I’m just spinning in what if? What if this? What if that? What if this? What if that? I think what-if territory is totally God’s business, right?
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, and it’s usually a disempowering place. I don’t think it’s a bad place to be if you find it empowering, if it’s like generative for you. But, for me, it just makes me bothered. It gives me worry. It gives me agitation.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah, I was thinking doomsday, like, that’s kind of like what came up, and who really wants to be in that space? Like, that is not—
Natalie Miller: Right.
Yetta Myrick: —at all productive.
Natalie Miller: Right, right. And, so, when we get out of God’s business and into our own business, we get to do things like, OK, so, what is within my purview, right? What actually—like, let me check in and see. Do I really want to go this trip? Yeah, I do. I want to go. I want to go.
I want to participate in this workshop. I love to travel. It reminds me how big the world is. I can check back in with my own intentions, right? That’s my business. I can check in and, you know, I can check in and say, OK, well, do I have a will [laugh], right? Do I have life insurance? Like, that’s my business. Those things are my business.
But, like, whether or not the plane goes down, not my business. How to save New Orleans? We can make a contribution. We could say, oh, well, it is my business to stay informed, and it’s my business to find a charity that’s doing good work, and to give them some money, right? It’s my business to write to my senator. You know, those are all my business. But, like, rebuilding New Orleans? That’s beyond my business.
Yetta Myrick: Right.
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: I mean, unless, hey, you want to run for mayor down there? You want to be governor?
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: Then that’s your business. [laugh]
Natalie Miller: That’s your business, and we’ll send you a donation.
Yetta Myrick: Exactly.
Natalie Miller: So, that’s kind of what God’s business looks like, and it’s very bothersome to be in that place of, like, things that are so big, we can’t actually make a contribution, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: So, dialing back to, like, “OK, what actually can I do?” is what gets us back into our business. So, how about other people’s business, Lord?
Yetta Myrick: There’s so many things. So, in my life, it’s been mainly around work, and that’s what brought me to working with Natalie, just being in a space where I was not feeling good enough about myself, primarily because I was in a space where I thought that other people were judging me, right? And, so, this idea about what other people think, that’s all seeped into their business, right?
Like, I cannot at all speculate. The things that I think about it are like made up in my head. Like, I don’t think for other people. Other people don’t think for me. And, so, I was just like going into this rabbit hole. I was like digging myself, like, in, in, in, like, worried about, oh, is this good enough, you know?
What do they think about me? Am I going to be the a…perceived as the angry Black woman? Like, all of these things, and, so, finally [laugh], when this was recognized and acknowledged, I was able to move forward. It just had me in a state of being stuck, like, constantly. Like, I just literally felt like I was paralyzed.
It was like I wanted to do this work, but I was just so concerned about what other people thought of me, and how I was going to perceive, and the work that I was doing, and whether it was good enough. And it was just like the spiral, this never-ending thing. And, finally, it was like enough, enough.
Natalie Miller: You know, I love this example because it is sufficiently sticky. Like, I don’t want to pretend at all like other people’s business is a simple thing. It is sticky and, yes, we all interconnect. So, does it matter what your boss thinks of you? Kind of, yeah, right? Like, does it matter what your coworkers [laugh] think of you? Yes, definitely. Also, can you control it? No.
Yetta Myrick: No, not at all.
Natalie Miller: No, no, you can’t. And, sometimes, you are dealing with—like you mentioned—sometimes, you’re dealing with stereotypes, right?
Yetta Myrick: And I was in a space where there really was just me. There were some other people of color but they were more on the administrative side, and that was not my role. But, in the same token, what was happening were as things were coming up, I kind of took the role as that administrative person for my boss.
And I remember us having a conversation, Natalie, where you were like, “OK, like, are you the assistant or are you, like, you want to be a director? Like, what you want to do, Yetta?” [laugh] And, like, that sounds like the way administrative [laugh]. And, so, it was like I had to make a choice, right? And, so, sometimes, that means like saying no, like, I’m not going to because that really was not my role, right?
But because I’m a people-pleaser, right, I’m glad I’m pretty much over that, but, you know, that was kind of like my MO, my modus operandi. And, so, it was like, “What? You need a meeting scheduled? I’m going to be in this meeting, da, da, da.” So, it was like small things over time that I had to do was these baby steps.
So, like, I remember literally saying to myself at one point, if I am in the “cc” versus the “to,” I’m not responding because I always felt like the thought was, however you want to put it, it’s really the thought, y’all, I’m going to keep driving it home because Natalie has taught me that it’s not—
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: —it is not feeling like—feeling like is not—that’s not real; it’s the thought.
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: The thought was literally anytime an email comes in, I need to respond to it. I’m on it. I need to respond. And that is not true. I didn’t need to respond, and I started to feel this shift happening—
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —because I wasn’t responding, to the point that what would end up happening, because I would always respond, then there would be an email that came that was like, “Well, Yetta, what do you think about this?” And then, OK, if you’re going to ask me, then I’ll tell you. But, like, beyond that, I’m not. I’m cc’d.
Natalie Miller: Right, right.
Yetta Myrick: If you’ve put me in “to”—so, that’s a little trick, you all—if I’m in the “to,” OK, I will respond. But if I’m not in the “to,” if I’m in the “cc,” you don’t need—I’m just there. It’s for my information but, you know, what you want me to do with it?
Natalie Miller: [laugh] This is totally going to become Yetta’s charm. I’m going to have to like—
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: —pull this out, and put it as a separate little standalone—
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: —like this is Yetta’s charm.
Yetta Myrick: [laugh] I love it.
Natalie Miller: She came up with this at her own cauldron. I love that. Yes, if you’re in the “cc,” you don’t need to respond. But, like, so, I want to like slow it way down, and break it way down, to kind of see what’s happening, right? So, what’s happening is in this case—and, Yetta, you come in and edit me wherever I’m getting it wrong.
Yetta Myrick: OK.
Natalie Miller: Yetta is being cc’d on an email because she is expected to be administrative support for some kind of project, right, expected to be administrative support. She’s not—
Yetta Myrick: Right, and that was not my role. Let’s be very clear, that was not Yetta’s role.
Natalie Miller: It’s not her role but she’s expected, right? And, so, that expectation is other people’s business.
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: Oh, you’re expecting me to hop on this? That is your business. That is your expectation, right? It’s not in my job description. It’s not in my desired tasks. That is your expectation. If you want me to be involved, you’re going to have to talk to me in a different way. You’re going to have to directly address me. You’re going to have to say, “Yetta, what do you think?”
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: Right? Because what happens is—and we also have like a very blamey culture, right? We love to, like, say how everybody else is, like, making things so hard for us, right? And I don’t mean at all—by the way, other people do make things hard, for sure, right? But we always have power.
Yetta Myrick: Always.
Natalie Miller: We always have power. And, so, if they’re expecting me to do something I don’t want to do, it’s only a problem if I’m agreeing with them.
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: If I agree with them, and I say, “Yeah, I should be expected to do this,” then it’s my problem. Then it’s my business, right? If it’s not, then it’s not. It’s not my business, right?
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: So, when we slow it down, and we kind of see what’s happening there, right, why do I feel this pressure to respond? OK, it’s partly on me. I like to please people. OK, it’s partly, like, you know, sociocultural, right?
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: Many of the women of color around here are administrators, and you seem to think that I am also an administrator [laugh], right? You have, consciously or not, coded me as such in your mind, right? OK. That’s like another element here, and that’s very real. Expressing anger or frustration as a Black woman is difficult—
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: —in a white dominant environment.
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: We can acknowledge the reality of that. That is a reality. And we can decide, “And how do I want to feel about that?”
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: Because I remember that conversation, oh, my gosh.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah, I was like, “Natalie, I’m having a breakdown.” You’re like, “No, it’s not a breakdown. It’s a breakthrough.” [laugh]
Natalie Miller: [laugh] I know, right?
Yetta Myrick: Yes, it was deep.
Natalie Miller: It is. It’s just that moment where, you know, I think of it as like—I sometimes encounter chivalrous men in the world who like to, like, ostentatiously hold a door open for me, or open a door for me. And, personally, Natalie Miller, I don’t like that. Please don’t hold the door for me. Like, it’s fine if it’s like we’re kind of moving through or whatever. But if you’re making a big show of your chivalry, I’m not an attendee. I’m not here for it. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: I didn’t know this. This, I did not know about you. [laugh]
Natalie Miller: Oh, yeah, no, I’m just not here for it. Or, like, if I go to open a door, and they’re like, “No, no, no, allow me,” I’m like, “Oh, fuck you, I am definitely opening this door”—
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: —“and standing here staring at you”—
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: —“until you walk through it,” right?
Yetta Myrick: [laugh] I love it.
Natalie Miller: And [laugh] it’s just like a little, minor kind of pet peeve of mine, right? In that moment, the expectation is I will smile, and I will graciously and gratefully pass through the held-open door. And when I disrupt that, like, expectation, there is discomfort, for sure.
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: And, I mean, I had it happen once to me. My kid and I were at the convenience store on a road trip, and a guy told me to smile. A guy in line told me to smile. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: My gosh, I’ve—there’s been many a times that I’ve been asked to do that, or told to do that.
Natalie Miller: Told or asked to do that—
Yetta Myrick: Really.
Natalie Miller: —and I just turned around, and I said, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: [laugh] And I’m sure [laugh] he looked at you like you had two heads.
Natalie Miller: [laugh] Yeah.. Well, he said, “Well, that’s a way to talk in front of your child.” And I said, “Yeah, that is a way to talk in front of my child.”
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: “I teach my children that they don’t have to talk to”—I think I said a lot of insults there. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: His hair was kind of greasy. [laugh] His hair was kind of greasy.
Yetta Myrick: My gosh.
Natalie Miller: So, I’m pretty sure I mentioned it. Anyway, I was like, “Yeah, I absolutely teach my daughters that they are under no obligation to smile for some greasy-assed guy in a convenience store.”
Yetta Myrick: Oh, my gosh. [laugh] Love it. I love it.
Natalie Miller: Right?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: And, listen, but this is the thing though, right? I had a moment there. It’s like 8:30 p.m. It’s dark. I had a moment there where I was like, fuck, are we going to be OK? Like, are we going to be OK walking out to the car? I was conscious of that, right? So, everybody, I want to be really clear. Standing strong in your business, it doesn’t mean that other people’s, like, assumptions and expectations are not going to affect you.
Yetta Myrick: Right.
Natalie Miller: They will, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: But it is stepping out from letting them control you, and the way that you act, and the way that you think about yourself.
Yetta Myrick: Most definitely.
Natalie Miller: Let’s think of, like, Yetta, like a—like more of a kind of like intimate, like a family version of other people’s business because there’s, you know, there’s the kind of like society work life. There’s that one. But sometimes, like you were saying, like, it’s a lot closer to home, right?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, in terms of my son, and learning how to let go with him as he’s gotten older, that has been—that’s been a huge [laugh] [0:29:41] that we’ve talked about over the years. And he just turned 18, as I shared, and so even providing him the space to make choices, so that has been huge.
So, there’s this yoga class that we actually participate in, and it used to be, “OK, we’re going to do yoga.” And, so, now, it’s gotten to the point where I’m giving him a choice about whether he wants to participate in said yoga class. And some weeks he says yes, and some weeks he says no.
And it’s, you know, primarily for him, and so when he says no, I honor that. But it’s taken me a long time, and, again, baby steps, you all, like, to get to that space because I think for a long time, it’s always been like how do I protect him? And, again, I’m going to bring up race. I am raising, you know, an African-American son, and so there’s a whole other layer of, you know, how he’s perceived, and my wanting to protect him.
But it’s like you can only protect them so much, and you have to work to provide these tools. But you still want to be able to give them agency. And, so, it’s taken me a long time to get there, and it’s still a work in progress. He didn’t turn 18 and now, all of a sudden, like, I’m just letting him just do anything. He is still—there are still supports that are needed, and all of that.
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: But I’m slowly but surely, like, letting go. And, also, like, learning how to ask for help, right, has been another huge thing because especially he’s 18—I mean, I’ve been talking about 18 for, like, the last three, four years. But as we’ve gotten closer, you know, this idea of like, well, who are these people that can, like, be supporters? And, like, I actually have like ideas.
Since we’ve talked now there, I’ve actually had some ideas of people who are outside of the family that I’m like, oh, OK, like, that person actually might be a person that I could trust if something were to happen to me. And, like, again, that’s a whole, you know, other conversation. But, yeah, so, like, again, allowing him, giving him space to make his own choices, like, it’s his business. If he doesn’t want to do yoga, like, that’s his business, and I have to honor that, right? So, that is one of the ways that it has show up—has shown up for me personally.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, I love that. And I think that, you know, hitting on parenting, oh, my gosh, like [laugh], when we go from literally being the sole support of a being, like physically, literally being the sole—like, they are actually in us too [laugh], letting this person out into the world, it is this gradual sort of allowing them more and more say [laugh], like letting go of their business, and letting them have their own business. And, of course, we’re not ever talking about like things where someone might not be safe. Of cour…like, there’s not even a question there.
But it’s in the places of like, you know, does my child go to college or not? It’s their business. That’s their business, right? My kid wants to take singing lessons, and does not want to do any sport. Like, can I let that be her business? Can I say, like, “OK, that’s your business,” right, to choose what they want to do.
And, so, that gradual process of sort of letting them have more and more of their own business, like, (a), like you said, it empowers them. It gives them agency. And then, (b), don’t we have enough shit to do on our own?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: [laugh] Like, I got plenty of business over here, plenty of business. And when I actually—when I don’t tend to my business, meaning my health, my literal business where I make money, right, I am actually not as good a caregiver because I don’t have the energy and I don’t have the resources, right?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: Yeah. But the other place that I would love to touch on actually is where you said asking for help, because I think we get into other people’s business when we ask for help. Do you think so?
Yetta Myrick: Yes, and I know where you’re going. So—
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —I think when we ha…when we are—when I have this thought—and bring it back to me—have this thought that if I ask them, it’s going to be too much to put on. Like, that has been like my key example. Even, like, for example, with the pandemic that is—when is it going to end, you all?
Natalie Miller: Right.
Yetta Myrick: But my —
Natalie Miller: That is some God’s business right there. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: Yes, that is some God’s business.
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: But—so, I made a choice to transport my son. So, he is in a nonpublic—as I say, he has autism—he’s in a nonpublic placement. And, so, it is not—we live in DC. It is in [laugh] Rockville, Maryland, and so I have been driving him.
And I remember when we were talking about this, you know, about a month or two ago before school started, and you were like, “Well, can someone help you? Can you get a driver?” Well, I’m not getting a driver. Like, that’s a no, like, choice thing.
But what I have been doing is, like, my mom, case in point, like, I’m conscious of like my time. I have a, you know, a way that I have my schedule so that most days, I pick him up. But there are a couple of days where he will pick him up, right? And that’s been my way of, like, getting that help and asking for that help.
But it was hard for me [laugh] to get there, I mean. And full disclosure, you all, like, I had a medical emergency [laugh] a couple months ago, and my—and I had no choice [laugh] but to have her trans…my mom to transport my son to and from school. And I’m not going to say that I did not feel bad about it.
Of course, I always have in these moments. But it also taught me that it’s like life is precious, and we can’t do it all. And, like, having these supports in place are so, so, so very important.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, it’s so huge And I think that, you know, to think about like—it’s such an ironic thing, right to be like, oh, I want my mom to feel free, right, free of me, so let me get into her business, and decide for her that she can’t drive to Rockville [laugh], right?
Yetta Myrick: Yeah.
Natalie Miller: Like, I mean, it’s just this really interesting thing. I see this a lot for all of my friends who are entrepreneurs with pricing, getting into other people’s business around pricing. Like, you come up with a number that allows you to make it all work, right? And, so, I—that’s for me and my coaching, I come up with a number that allows me to make it all work, that allows me to, you know, support my family, that allows me to do this podcast, that allows me to offer like a third of my spots at equity and inclusion rates, right?
Like, I’m really—I feel really good and solid about that. So, then, when I give my full price on the phone to someone, I have to stay out of their business. It’s none of my business how it makes them feel. It’s none of my business what they think of me. It’s just not my business. I don’t have any power there, right? The place that I have power is in supporting myself to be the best coach that I can be, you know?
Yetta Myrick: And the reality is if you are not doin…ma…like, creating these prices that work for you, down the line, there’s going to be some resentment, right—
Natalie Miller: Right, oh, yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —about I’m giving these—you know, I’m doing these pricing, I’m doing this pricing or whatever, based on—and, again, like, that’s what happens when you get into other people’s business. Like—
Natalie Miller: Right.
Yetta Myrick: —you have to figure out what works for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And I think that’s the biggest hurdle that we specifically as women, you know—
Natalie Miller: Yes.
Yetta Myrick: —specifically as women of color, like, these are things that we have to, like, pass through. I have one other example that I was thinking about in terms of this. So, I mentioned the medical emergency, so I had to have emergency gallbladder surgery, like, totally unexpected.
And I was supposed to give a presentation, like, at this international like conference thing over the summer. And, like, for about 30 seconds—doing good, only 30 seconds—I was, like, OK, I’mma be two days out from surgery. I can, like, get on Zoom and do this. And I was like, you know what? No, like, what are you doing? You need time to heal. And, so, luckily—
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —I have a dear friend who, you know, we do similar work—not the same; similar—but was able to reach out to her. And she was able to, like, take my slot on this panel. Was I disappointed? Yes. But I literally said to myself I need to honor myself. I need to rest, right? Like—
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: —I don’t know what I’m going to be feeling like in two days, right? I had never had surgery before, so I can’t even explain how like crazy and overwhelmed and scared I was. But I was thinking about I want to do this thing like I planned. I had done all the planning, had done all the slides, all this stuff, had met multiple times. But, all that said, I was like, I’ve got to let this go.
Natalie Miller: Yeah.
Yetta Myrick: There’ll be other opportunities. And I think that’s a challenge too that we oftentimes think that, oh, this is only going to be my only opportunity, and that’s not the case, right? There’s so many opportunities, but you have to be open to that, and you have to take care of yourself.
Natalie Miller: And it is entirely your business to take care of yourself, right? You got to do that. And maybe that does involve asking for help. OK, maybe that does involve hiring people, right? There are lots of—like, I’m not saying that your self-care has to be entirely self-contained. No, not at all.
Taking care of ourselves is a kind of a community enterprise. But when we think about it as like, OK, I’m exchanging with all of these different people, and we are all independent actors, we all have agency. We all have the power to say no. I have the power to say no. You have the power to say no. [laugh]
I think for those of us who are, again, oriented toward making this world better, we are so fucking scared to say no because we feel obligated because we care so much about other people. And I’m thinking about, like, let’s say things are really, really busy, and you’re worried about over-burdening your team, right? I’m in my team’s business. I’m in my assistant’s business because I’m worried about over-burdening her, right?
OK. Well, (a), let me get out of her business, and, (b), if things are overwhelming for her, then they’re overwhelming for everyone. So, let me step into my agency. What is mine to change? You know what? I can expand the timeline here. Yeah. I can hire someone else to come on board, right? The kneejerk thing is like just I’ll just suffer. I’ll just take it on, and I’ll suffer this, you know, self-imposed [laugh] stress, right—
Yetta Myrick: Yeah, yeah.
Natalie Miller: —because I don’t want them to. Like, if things aren’t working in your family right now, things aren’t working in your family, and you’re like, oh, I don’t want to burden my partner, it’s like, well, burdening yourself is not the answer either, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: Yeah. All right. So, Yetta, let’s give these lovely listeners some kind of things to definitely take away from our conversation today on conjuring unbotheredness.
Yetta Myrick: I would say number one is stay in your own business. We didn’t talk about boundaries, but I know there are other podcasts where you do, so—
Natalie Miller: Yes.
Yetta Myrick: —make sure you’re setting boundaries [laugh], like, that’s an important thing.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, you pointed a lot, Yetta, to the importance of noticing your thinking, right?
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: And that, of course, is what this podcast is all about. But it’s like how am I thinking about this? It’s very rarely a situation that is bringing up feeling. It’s how we’re thinking about it, right?
Yetta Myrick: Mm-hmm.
Natalie Miller: How are you thinking about it? You know, when you’re worried about what someone else thinks, why does it matter? Do you agree with them? Because if you agree with them, then it probably matters. You know, there’s this interesting thing, Yetta, just to kind of press on that point right there because I think that’s really key to staying unbothered. What other people think only matters if you agree with them.
Yetta Myrick: Yes.
Natalie Miller: And the kneejerk that I get from clients a lot is like, “I don’t agree with them at all.” And I’m like, “Well, then, why does it matter?”
Yetta Myrick: Right.
Natalie Miller: Right? Can guarantee—I always say this—I can guarantee you Donald Trump thinks that I am unattractive, and I don’t care. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: Like, I don’t care. I don’t care what Donald Trump thinks. I’m only going to care if I am worried, if I believe I’m unattractive.
Yetta Myrick: That’s so true.
Natalie Miller: So, getting really clear there, like, what am I thinking? What am I thinking? Where this person with the expectations, this person who’s like burdening me, where do I agree with them? Where am I taking on the burdens that they’re—like, in your work situation, right? They expect me to do all the admin. Do you expect you to do all the admin? Shit. [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: [laugh]
Natalie Miller: I do.
Yetta Myrick: Right, right.
Natalie Miller: [laugh]
Yetta Myrick: It was like when I realized that, when it was pointed out, I was like, oh, yeah, I don’t have to do that. And it’s like what can I do creatively to get myself out of that?
Natalie Miller: Yes. Oh, my gosh, that’s actually a perfect last point. When we are unbothered, we’re not cold and uncaring, right? Unbothered means I am free to give. I am free to create. I am free to be who I really want to be. I’m free to live my values.
Yetta Myrick: And I just want to throw out lastly, for me, is it’s OK to say no, because when we say no, we make room for yes.
Natalie Miller: Yes. Oh, my gosh, I love that. I love that. And saying no from that centered place of, like, I’m in my business, and I’m realizing, like, this isn’t a match for me for what I want, for the amount of energy I have available right now, right, saying no makes room for yes. And then what do you find that that yes tends to turn toward, Yetta?
Yetta Myrick: The yes turns towards what you actually want. It creates more opportunity, opportunities that are beyond your wildest dreams, that you might’ve like had a seed of what that yes could be or what that opportunity could be, right? But it’s like so beyond. I mean, I’ve seen that so many times in the last couple of years.
And another thing that I was thinking about—and I think this is kind of where this podcast came from—I had shared with Natalie that I have found myself writing in my journal like in terms of like what do I want my feelings to be. Unbothered was coming up when I was in a place that I should not have been [laugh], when I was in places where I was not happy or doing the work that I wanted to do.
And, so, I noticed that, and, like, quickly was like, OK, what’s my exit strategy? But, like, I would not have gotten there or noticed that if I wasn’t doing the work, if I wasn’t doing the self-coaching, right, and using these tools. So, yeah, it’s—you all—we all can do it. It just takes a little bit of work to change our mindset.
Natalie Miller: Yeah, and it’s just like you said. It’s a skill set to learn, and that’s, you know, what I love to do with people one-on-one. And what I love to do through this podcast, right, is like, oh, my gosh, your mind is a magic wand. Like, let me help you learn how to use it. And, you know, Yetta’s over here making magic all over the place. So, Yetta, tell all of the good people where they can find you, and how they can support your work.
Yetta Myrick: Yeah. So, thanks, Natalie. So, I’m president and founder of an organization called DC Autism Parents. I’m just going to say if anyone has some website skills and would be willing to help donate their time, so I’m putting it out there, to help me update that website, it would be great. I can be reached via email at info@dcautismparents.org.
I’ve another website that’s coming out for my act early work because I’m the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Learn the Signs, Act Early ambassador. So, for all you mamas out there, who have babies on the way, or children 0 to 5, you want to be monitoring your child’s development. So, there’s going to be a new website called actearlydc.org that is going to be launching next month.
So, as you probably all can tell, I’m very busy. But the purpose of that is for parents who have children who—children, period, but specifically parents of children who suspect that their child might have autism or related disability or developmental disability to get the help that they need because when my son was a little guy, these resources were not available. So, that’s why I stand behind them, and want to make sure I say I’m the one-stop shop.
I’m the bridge, right, from, you know, supporting families from, like, getting that diagnosis, if needed, and then supporting them in navigating services along the way. So, thank you.
Natalie Miller: Yes, Yetta is an incredibly resourceful witch. All right, everyone, thank you so much for listening. We hope that you come out of this conversation ready to draw your boundaries, to check in with yourself, to notice when you’re in God’s business and other people’s business, and to come right back into your own, because that is, I promise you—I promise you—that is where you make your best and brightest contribution is from that centered place. It’s from you. It’s from what you love and what you want. That’s what we all need you to do. All right. Thanks for listening. Bye for now.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world.
Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.
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