Evolving Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day.

A fraught recurrence,

in a culture that exalts motherhood and/but despises whole, human women.

Learn the history of Mother's Day

and you'll find suffragists advocating for women's independence

and for structural changes that improve the lives of women.

Mother's Day wasn’t what they wanted.

It was the consolation prize

(ironically enough)

as it tends not to console, but to agitate.

As it reminds all of us how very very narrow, mean, and unrealistic

is our culture's Right Way for human women to be.

On Mother’s Day, I’m always thinking of my friends who - by choice or by circumstance -

don't have kids.

I wish I could un-ask the shitty questions you get about it.

It shouldn’t require such fortitude to be a woman without children.

I'm thinking of everyone whose relationships with their mothers are strained or disappointing.

I know these hurt. And I also know that motherhood is so laden with cultural expectations, and

so snarled in social structures that demand mothers’ selflessness and sacrifice.

I wish we could relieve all that pressure,

and see how mother/child relationships might fare in a more equitable, care-oriented society.

I’m thinking of the women raising kids who “aren’t theirs,”

and how extra hard that is.

Oh and hey, from what I can tell, every stepmother is a “Wicked Stepmother”
 

I'm thinking of those of you whose mothers have died.

I wish you comfort today . . .

unless your mom’s passing brought you relief,

in which case I wish you guiltlessness.

And of course I am thinking of mothers.

Who are actual human beings.

Who are whole, evolving people.

Who want freedom to choose, to grow, to change their minds, to prioritize themselves.

Who find this freedom only by learning to move mountains upon mountains of guilt.

Who get annoyed. Rageful. Sad. Petty. Reclusive. Tired, and tired of being so tired.

Who bore the brunt of pandemic repercussions.

Who are professionally penalized for having children, and make 63 cents on every dollar earned by a father.

Who receive woefully inadequate postnatal care, such that more than a third of women experience lasting health problems after childbirth.

Who can never - never never ever it's impossible - live up to to the immaculate concept of Mother.

And who understandably are dismayed that even Mother's Day - their One Day - is so fucking problematic.

I love what Soraya Chemaly writes about motherhood.

Here's a quotation from Rage Becomes Her. 

For women who have children,
motherhood becomes defining,
and the love that we feel for our children
is often overwhelming.
We care in so many ways,
but for motherhood to be truly dignified,
compassionate,
purposeful,
and fulfilling,
it must presume a woman's right
to freely choose to be a parent.
Unfortunately, this is not the world we live in.
Instead, motherhood, the ideal,
smothers women's ability to protest unfairness and injustice.

The challenge we face
is in being unapologetic about our desires and decisions
and in not judging other women's choices.
It is in rechanneling the anger,
guilt,
and shame
that we often encounter
into creating a culture
that no longer conflates the word WOMAN with MOTHER
and the word MOTHER with SACRIFICE.

So. It’s Mother’s Day.

Maybe you’re feeling a call - or a pressure? - to be extra generous and loving.

Maybe you’re worried about disappointing, and feeling like you can’t possibly do enough.

Maybe you just want the day to pass, so you can turn your attention to what you want and need.

Maybe you wish the day felt as sweet and lovely as you’ve been led to believe it should.

Maybe you’re a little bitter about it all, and judging yourself for that bitterness.

If so? Welcome.

We mothers grapple with feelings like these every damn day,

some times more effectively than others.

The good news is that as we face those feelings, and see where they come from, we disentangle ourselves from them.

We redefine our roles and recalibrate our expectations.

We make and model a whole different, human-woman-honoring way of thinking, talking, and going about mothering.

And THAT is worth celebrating.