the worst part is the waiting

Good morning, friends,

This weekend I'm a little under the weather -

I have a cold -

and it's imposing some deep rest,

which is inspiring some big reflection.

I've had quite a year.

I left my husband.

I stepped out of one big career

and into another.

I moved. Twice.

I had a couple surgeries.

And my dad died.

That's a lot of big, deep change.

And here's what I can tell you:

When there's something scary about to happen,

the worst part is the waiting.

Way worse than actually leaving a relationship that doesn't work

is staying in, sad and scared.

Way worse than telling the kids, "I'm moving out,"

is creating worst-case scenarios

about how they might react when you do.

Way worse than going in for the surgery

is pushing it again and again to the back of your mind.

And - for me, anyway -

way worse than the actual day they take your dad off life support

is the fearful, sleepless night before.

*

When I took my daughter to get her blood drawn once

I told her:

the worst part is the waiting.

The worst part is knowing the needle is coming.

Worse than the actual stick

is the dreadful preparatory ritual:

the tourniquet

the swipe of alcohol

the make-a-fist

the dread

the fear.

*

Dear, dear reader:

If there is a hard choice or change

you are avoiding -

If there is something you need to say

but keep holding back -

If there is a truth you're holding in your guts,

a truth whose demands

exhilarate and terrify you,

please know:

right now

RIGHT NOW

is the worst of it.

The worst part is the waiting.

Hey -

take your time.

But also?

take your shot.

All this waiting has made you strong as hell.