A Spell for Living Your Values

If I know you, dear listener,

you are interested in making the most

of your one wild and precious life.

I truly believe that paying attention to values

(our own values, the values of our dominating culture,

and all the ways in which those values conflict)

is so valuable when we’re trying to understand

why we make choices that don’t feel right.

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Mentioned:

The fantastic, insightful book Values in Therapy, by Jenna LeJeune and Jason B. Luoma.

Make Magic:

If you feel that you’re falling short of a standard,

or that you’re doing shit you do not want to do

in order to meet a standard, the problem is not you.

The problem is a mismatch between the values you cherish

and the values you’ve been conditioned to prioritize.

Look at your life, and ask yourself:

“What values am I living as I move through the world, and are they truly my own?”

Transcript: A Spell for Living Your Values

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hi there. I am recording this on a Monday morning, and it is a Monday morning where there is not a single appointment on my calendar. Isn't that just the most glorious thing? [laugh] It's such a treat and such a delight. And it's actually evidence of what I want to talk to you about today, because today's episode is about values-led living. 

This is something that is so top of mind for me because it's the current focus of the small group coaching program I lead called Cauldron. So, the Cauldron witches and I are working together to clarify and then to more fully embody our values. One of my values is spaciousness. I love to have room to create. I love to have room to innovate. I love to have space in my everyday life.

So, when I wake up on a Monday morning, and I realize, oh, I have a whole day to do what feels good. I am so grateful to that part of me that knew spaciousness is important, and managed to create this life, this workflow in which I have extra space and time.

OK. So, I know if you listen to this podcast, you are committed or, at the very least, you are interested in making the most of your one wild and precious life. And I really think that attention to values—not just the ones we hold dear for ourselves but also the dominating values in our dominating cultural systems—I think awareness of these can help us to make sense of why we do what we do, and can help us to understand why sometimes even if we know we want a spacious life, and even if we create some space in our calendars, why it is so difficult sometimes to maintain that.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, I know I need rest. I know rest is important. I know I want more rest. But, somehow, I just can't give myself a break. I think attention to values can help us a lot to understand what's going on there.

So, today's spell—a spell for living your values—really is just the beginning. This is something I want to talk about over several episodes to come. But today, let's start with the very, very basics, which number one is, what even are our values? I do want to talk about that. What are values anyway? And then number two, what will help me to discover what my values are? And then number three, what are some of the values of the dominating culture that are perhaps challenging to or even incompatible with my personal values?

OK. So, I want to tell you from the get-go, because I love to cite my sources, that my much more nuanced understanding of values comes from a book by a woman named Jenna LeJeune, and Jenna has written this book called Values in Therapy. If you're a coach, if you're a therapist, it is so excellent. I highly recommend you find it because Jenna says so many things that I think are really, really helpful in understanding what even are values.

I imagine that you, like me, at some point in your life, you have googled for a list of values, or someone's given a list of values to you, and so maybe you were constructing a mission statement or maybe you were figuring them out for your team or your company. Maybe you were attending a workshop. I mean, hell, maybe you were attending one of my workshops [laugh] and I gave you a list of words that represented values.

But Jenna says—and I totally agree with this—that values are not words. Values are ways of living. They are active. They're not on a page. They are in a life. They are vibes and they are qualities. Values are the aspects of life that are the most meaningful to us. 

Values are—and this is kind of my thought—the parts of life that wake us up to our lives. So, when I think about my values, when I think about what makes my life meaningful, I always think about those moments that wake me up. I always think about those moments that remind me I am here. I am on Planet Earth. I am sentient stardust. Those moments, values are inherent in those moments.

Our values are created through, embodied through those actions, those behaviors, those ways of being that make life on Planet Earth, here, most meaningful; those ways of being that wake us up to the beauty and the possibility in this life. When we're living our values, we are being the kind of person we want to be. We're living the kind of life we want to live. We are being the kind of contributor to the grand cosmic potluck that we want to be.

So, here's a little pile of questions that I hope will help you think about what your values are. And I'd love to repeat the advice that Jenna LeJeune gives. It's really not about finding the exact word for the answers to any of these questions. Like, you don't have to narrow it down to a single world that really works. 

OK. So, here's the first question. What makes life worth living for you? Like, what matters most? We can do big questions like, what do you want your life to be about? Like, why are you here? What are you here for? What are you here to show or what are you here to share or what are you here to make possible? A really big question like that. 

Or we can also go with a smaller question like, what are the vibes and the feelings and the qualities that you want to embody in your everyday life? What are you bringing into this world energetically? And I already alluded to this but I love this one. What wakes you up to the beauty, the possibility of this life? Like, where do I find you? What are you doing? With what are you interacting? Like, what's going on when you feel fully here?

So, all of those questions are going to help you to clarify and, if not articulate, at least build awareness around your own personal values. And, listen, this is really, really important. Values are very individual. What makes your heart sing, what wakes you up to the miracle of this life, it is going to be a little different from what does that for me. 

Just like we get pleasure in different ways, we make meaning in different ways. Just like we have different preferences when it comes to all the aspects of life, so too we have preferences when it comes to what matters most in this life. Values are highly individual.

I will admit to you that values are not something to which I'd given a lot of conscious thought, until the last couple of years really. And when I began thinking more about values, I was not actually in a place of curiosity and growth consciousness. I was in a place of trying to understand and even trying to rebuild [laugh] who I was after a really traumatizing and destabilizing professional experience that I'd had.

So, I want to say this because thinking about values, in one way, I think, helps us to develop and expand our self-understanding to enhance it and to maximize it. But I also think that attending to our values can help us to shore up our integrity, can help us to repair our self-conception after we've been through a situation that challenged our integrity. 

And this repair, I think, is often necessary because we are all steeped in cultures that have their own sets of values. The dominating culture, especially, has its own set of values. And here on Mind Witchery, I am talking about this all the time so none of this will be surprising to you. 

But I don't think I've talked about it in quite this way, that is, I don't think I have compared and contrasted what are the dominating cultural values or some of them, and how do those interact with your, my, our more personal values. What are the ways in which we are sometimes consciously but, even more often, subconsciously embodying the values of the dominating culture? And how might that be part of what's going on when it feels hard to turn toward and cultivate our personal values, right, to take that break when we know we value rest, or to create a more spacious schedule when we know we want room to be able to be creative? 

Why is that so hard? I think it does come down to a values incompatibility. Right? So, when our personal values are incompatible with the cultural values that we've been imbibing and have been soaking in for so much of our lives, that's where our integrity as individual humans, our alignment of heart and mind and body and soul, that's where that becomes difficult. 

So, let me give some examples of this. I've identified a few values from a dominating culture that is very active on our planet, and I see these dominating cultural values wreaking such havoc in my own consciousness and subconsciousness, and also in my colleagues, in my children, in my clients. Now, I think you will recognize a lot of these values because they are extremely prevalent on our planet today. But I also want to acknowledge and respect that everyone's experience of these values is going to be different.

In addition to the main dominating culture that we are swimming in, we also have various subcultures that we are immersed in. There are religious cultures. There are ethnic cultures. There are professional cultures. There are all kinds of cultures that also shape and shade our experience of these values. So, I am sharing mine. I'm sharing what I see. But yours will be different so I encourage you to reflect on how it's similar and how it's not.

All right. So, the first kind of dominating cultural value I want to talk about is productivity. The dominating culture loves productivity. And I don't know about you but when I get to the end of a day where I have been productive, where I've done a lot, I feel great. And there is a part of me that is celebrating productivity. Ah, look at me getting shit done. Look at me doing what I wanted to do. Look at me doing, really.

But with this value, there's another part of it that is a little less delicious. [laugh] There's a part of it where sometimes I sense that my value as a human is attached to my productivity, to what I do. I think you've heard of this concept before, that we are human doings rather than human beings. So, I acknowledge that productivity is something I know has a lot of value and weight in my consciousness, and more than I would prefer. 

Hand-in-hand with this exalted value of productivity is efficiency. Oh, my gosh [laugh], our dominating culture loves efficiency. It prizes efficiency above so many other qualities. You've seen this, right? Like, in healthcare, for example, efficiency is prized over listening. Let's get the people in and out in a timely manner rather than really be with them for as long as it takes. 

Now, I know that's not true everywhere but in most healthcare environments, that is how it works. I see a desire for efficiency come up so often when I and my beloveds and my clients are building something new, or going in a new direction, and we're just wanting it to be as clean and clear and efficient as possible. Like, what is the shortest path between A and B? 

It's like we're all trying from the very beginning not to have any detours or any scenic routes, not to make any messes, no mistakes, no exploration, no experimentation. It's like success equals dialing in the very best and most efficient way to do this whole thing, rather than, oh, success is something that I discover slowly and gradually through trial and error and experimentation and creativity. Now, creativity's a huge personal value of mine but that can often lock horns with efficiency, which I've been accultured, I've been conditioned to prize. 

OK. Here's the next one: competition and comparison. So, these dominating cultural values ask us to look around and see what's everyone doing? How's everyone else doing? How does what I'm doing compare to what they're doing? 

OK. Again, values are very individual, and I know there will be some of you out there who are like, "Fuck, yeah, I love competition. I am competitive. It's meaningful for me. It's motivating for me. It wakes me up to this life." And I love that for you. 

But I will also say that I so often see competition and comparison showing up in a disabling way. This need to look around and see what everyone else is doing, this focusing on being better than everyone else, for lots of us, it does not actually complement the way we want to be with our co-creators in this life.

OK. One more value from the dominating culture: accumulation. Ooh, we are encouraged to accumulate—accumulate like almost everything. Accumulate wealth. Accumulate properties. Accumulate investments. Accumulate letters behind your name. Accumulate trainings and certifications. Accumulate followers. Accumulate subscribers. 

[laugh] At the very same time our culture has trouble with clutter and trouble with overwhelm and trouble with the too-muchness of life, underneath, there is a dominating cultural value of accumulation. OK. Maybe you've already solved this puzzle [laugh] but I'm going to repeat those four dominating cultural values, and you'll see where they come from.

So, we have productivity, efficiency, competition, comparison, and accumulation. That's all capitalism, especially the version of capitalism that is dominant on this planet right now. So, listen, it is no accident that we, even if not consciously, are subscribing to these values because, hey, this is the system within which we work, and this system values productivity, efficiency, competition, comparison, and accumulation. 

That's how you succeed in this system, theoretically. It's what the system encourages. It's what the system values and so, of course, there's a part of me navigating the system that can't help but also value those things. And/but *** I also know that the system of capitalism is not built for people—not the way we use it. The system is built for companies. It's built for machines. It's built for its own self.

Now, I don't think it has to be that way but that is the way it is, and so if I'm adhering to the values of this system, if I'm being productive and efficient, and I'm always trying to be better than, and I'm obsessed with accumulating and getting more and more and more and more, maybe I will find success within the system. But will it be worth it? Will my life mean what I wanted it to mean? Will I be able to embody the values, the vibes, the qualities that I really want to see more of in the world?

Will I be able to be awake and alive to the miracle of this life? I am sad to say I have seen so many cases—personally and professionally—where success in the system and for the system has not actually led to a meaningful life, to fulfillment, like, to a fulfilling life for the person themselves, and even a fulfillment of that person's potential. 

OK. Now, of course, this is from my perspective. I don't pretend to really know whether or not someone is fulfilled by the values they're embodying in their lives. All I have to go on is to see does their walk match their talk? Like, does their apparent success really feel successful? Does their life feel as good as it looks? 

Because very honestly—and I have been here too—so many people that I work with look incredibly successful from the outside but they do not feel that way. They know their walk is not matching their talk, and that feels terrible. I know, from experience, from being in apparently very successful places, and feeling so shitty. This is that place where the dominating cultural value doesn't complement, doesn't support, doesn't even allow me to live my personal value. There's a lack of integrity.

And I share this because if there is a place in your life where you are feeling out of sorts, an aspect of your life could be your work, a relationship, a family thing, your neighborhood—I don’t know—if there's a place where you are feeling like you can't quite access your authority, your personal authority, where you are like, "Ugh, I am doing shit I don't want to be doing. Why? Why am I doing shit I don't want to be doing?" 

If you're there, I really invite you to take a moment to explore your values—both your own personal values and the values of the dominating culture around you—remembering that, like Jenna LeJeune says, values are ways of living. Values are evident so much more in our walk than in our talk. 

So, looking at your everyday life and looking at the bigger picture of your life, you can see which values am I bringing to life, and are they truly my own? Because my sense, sweetheart [laugh], is that if you feel either that you are falling short of a standard, or that you are doing shit you do not want to do in order to meet a standard, the problem is not you. The problem is a values misalignment. It is a values incompatibility. 

I so hope that ascending way, way up to this eagle's perch to look at your life, to consider your communities and your choices from the perspective of values will help you reconnect to who it is that you want to be, to what it is that you want your life to be about, and will help you to see why some of the places where you're feeling out of sorts are actually places where your values are conflicting or unclear. 

Ooh, ooh, ooh, a metaphor just came to me. Have you had that experience where you have your GPS on, and you're driving home, and you know how to get home but—I don’t know—the GPS is on because you needed it for earlier in the trip of something. But the GPS starts to lead you in a direction that you just know isn't the best one, because you know how to get home. You know it's better to turn here rather than there. 

So, it's easy to ignore the robot voice or even to switch off the external navigation, and be guided instead by your internal navigation. Yeah? So, in this metaphor, obviously, the GPS is the dominating culture. It's telling you, "Go this way. Turn here. Do this." 

But when you have your own clear sense of who you are and who you want to be, when you know your own values, it is easier to disconnect from that voice, and to find your own way home to you. So, that is available, I think, to us [laugh] when we are more clear on who and how we want to be in this life. 

All right, my love, thank you so much for listening today. I hope that as you take a look at your life, you will do so with a very compassionate eye. You can trust we'll be talking more and more about values in the next few episodes, so stay tuned for some more ways of exploring this aspect of who you are. Thank you so much for listening. Bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording