A Spell for Giving With Integrity

One of the hardest things we can learn to do

is give ourselves the space, grace, and accommodation

we routinely offer to the people we love.

This episode is all about practicing that,

and recording it was part of my own journey.

Won’t you join me?

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Make Magic:

What do you want to put into the world?

What do you want to give your people?

What do you want to love about the way you show up?

See what happens if you offer that very thing to you, first.

Transcript: A Spell for Giving With Integrity

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, my love. Today's episode is a little bit unusual in its creation in that I am not at home. I am not downstairs in my partner's lovely little recording studio. I am across the country in San Diego, California, and I just got out of the shower. [laugh] Because, as you know, sometimes the best ideas come in the shower and this one I really didn't want to lose. It felt really important to get it out and into a digital form right away because it feels very alive for me.

So welcome. Welcome to-- very honestly, I don't know what we're going to call it. It might be "A Spell for Giving with Integrity," and it might be "A Spell for Being Who You Want To Be." I don't know. I don't know yet what it's called. And all of this context, all of this stuff that I'm telling you, is me actually practicing this spell. And here it is, here's the spell:  I cannot give to others what I do not give to myself. Yeah? I cannot offer other people-- my partner, my kids, my clients, my coworkers, my friends, my beloveds, my family-- I cannot offer others, not fully, not in integrity, what I do not offer to myself.

So I'm giving you all this context about how I just got out of the shower. I literally, like, [laugh] dried off and grabbed my phone 'cause I wanted to record this right away. So if you hear little, like, clicks and whatever, it's 'cause I'm doing my toilette, I'm putting on my lotion, and I'm probably getting dressed. I think it'll get cold here in a moment. I'm stark naked in my Airbnb [laugh] recording this.

But why? Because I was inspired and because I want to live that way, and I want to encourage you to live that way. A little voice inside, when I thought about this idea for the spell in the shower, said, "Oh, Natalie, you'll just make some notes. Make some notes and just wait till you get home and record it in the studio so it sounds great, so they don't hear you bustling around in the background." And then I just thought, but that's not what I want for them. That's not what I want for you, my love. I don't want that for you. I want you to feel free to express when you are inspired to express. I want you to value your vivacity and your inspiration over aesthetic perfection. And so if I want to offer that to you, I must offer that to myself. 

I know, by the way, why this is so alive for me right now. This is so alive for me because I am finishing up a four-day trip to California. I came here for an intensive weekend with my coach. Well, it's funny, [laugh] part of me wants to tell you it's, oh, a nice break. But it's kind of been a break. It's also-- of course, we were really working through a lot of my stuff, a lot of offers that I create, my programs that I create. A lot of my-- how I communicate with you in the podcast and then also in my writing, and how I sustain all of that. We were addressing some of the little doubts and fears that live still inside of me. Even though I am a sorceress, I'm still a human. And so we worked through all of those things. 

And then yesterday-- so that was Saturday and Sunday, that was a weekend. And then Monday, yesterday, I walked. [laugh] I'm here in San Diego. San Diego is beautiful. I walked and walked and walked . . . and walked. [laugh] And walked by the ocean and walked through the town and walked by palm trees and flowers and very expensive houses. And I just-- I walked and walked, and I kind of let it all integrate, I let it all come to sink in, and it felt amazing and necessary. 

And I found myself replenished, not even really knowing that I had been running a little low on fuel. Because in my everyday life, I'm pretty damn good at staying nurtured. I'm good at self-nurture, and I have a very hard-won-- listen, did not happen overnight, but I have a very hard-won support network set up for myself. But still-- but still life sometimes asks a lot of us, and life has been asking a lot of me. And so, especially after my long, intensive weekend, having just a day of permission that I gave myself to just be in the world, it was deeply replenishing. 

And I was thinking about how I must integrate more of those days, more of that kind of time, even more, into the world. And, of course, immediately, it was like, wha-- ? It was, like, you don't have enough of that? And I thought to myself, oh, my gosh, this is, like-- this is something that a client would say to me. This is something that a fellow mom would say to me. And what would I say to them? I would-- [laugh] I would encourage them to fill their cup as much as possible, to fill it to overflowing. To set it up so that it was always being filled so it could always overflow, right? But how will that client or that mom really fully be able to receive that message if I'm not living that message?

So this is what I mean about giving with integrity-- with integrity. And we go back to the root of integrity is integer, which I know because I have middle schoolers taking math classes [laugh] that integer is a whole number. It's one. It's a whole. All parts together. Nothing fractional. Nothing left out. A wholeness. So for my offerings to have integrity, I believe they must be also on offer to me. So think about this for a moment. Maybe it is difficult for you to forgive someone. You want to offer forgiveness and you just can't. This spell, I cannot offer to others what I don't give to myself, would ask you, where have you not forgiven yourself? Where have you not forgiven yourself? 

A really good friend of mine who's also a coach just a couple of weeks ago helped me to do exactly that, to think about a situation that was, I will be honest with you, pretty fucked up. [laugh] A fucked-up thing. A fucked-up human thing happened in this world of humans in my life. And while I don't accept responsibility for it, I realized with her help, with my friend's help, that I was holding onto some self-blame and some self-judgement there. I should have known. I should have seen. I should have said something earlier, done something earlier. So even though, for the most part, I could see the situation with clear eyes, something deep down was fractionalized. [laugh] The part that was kind of actually understanding that I did play-- of course I did because everything is co-created-- I did play a role in the fucked-up situation, and that I hadn't actually fully forgiven myself for that. Or that I was-- maybe that I was blaming myself for it and I hadn't fully forgiven myself for it. 

And since that conversation, there's, like, a bitterness that's gone. I'm still mad. [laugh] I'm still mad and I'm definitely wary, but the bitterness is gone. I feel closer to forgiveness, which is actually where I want to be. I want to be closer to forgiveness. Yeah?

Here's another example I was thinking about. I wonder if some of you worry that you don't give enough time to certain people in your life. Maybe it's like not enough quality time to the kids or not enough quality time to the partner. Maybe even not enough quality time to your art. And you're feeling, like, ugh, I just don't give quite enough time to my friends. Yeah? Good quality time. So [laugh] the spell, I cannot offer others what I don't give to myself, says, are you really giving time to you; quality time that's just for you?

For the ambiverts and the introverts among us, this is extra, extra important [laugh] because when we are not personally charged up on good alone time, good self-time, it's very challenging to be engaged with others. Yeah? So I'm feeling that so much after this trip to California. Yesterday after my long day alone [laugh] I wanted to connect with everyone. I was ready. I was ready. I was replenished. I had been with myself and my thoughts and my own impulses and desires. And so if I want to give quality time and attention to others, I think, I have to give quality time and attention to my own self.

Now, I work with clients, of course, and, you know, in some ways I feel like I work with you, my listener. And if I want to give you courage and confidence, if I want to offer you inspiration toward courage and confidence, then I must offer that inspiration toward courage and confidence to myself. I really believe if I want to offer you coaching, I must offer coaching to myself, and that's both self-coaching and it's also receiving coaching. It all comes down to, I think, walking our talk. That's integrity, right? When we do what we say we want to do. When we practice what we preach.

And I don't know about you, [laugh] but there are all kinds of ways where that's a little wobbly sometimes. I might want to show this example of body love and body confidence to my friends and my daughters, but in order for that to be in integrity, in order for that to be fully plugged in, fully empowered, I've got to offer that to me.

Now, I believe that as I offer it to me, I learn better and better how to do it. [laugh] So that's the other piece, right, is that when I offer myself whatever it is, time, forgiveness, body confidence, courage, whatever it is, as I'm offering it to me, I am learning vital lessons, learning tips and tricks about how to offer it to others, as well. That practice what I preach; I'm not just saying this, I'm actually doing it.

Okay. So this is it. This is your dispatch from actually not-so-sunny California. It's been foggy and misty and gray here. Still beautiful but contemplative. Yeah? The spell for-- let's decide on the title right now, 'cause I want you to know that this episode, this is something I'm making up. This is something I'm creating right here, right now. I think it's "The Spell for Giving With Integrity." I think that feels good. I don't know. You'll see when you look at the episode title. [laugh] You'll see if I decided to go with it or not, and you'll know that this is me practicing something that I want for you so much, permission to let things evolve. Permission to act on your inspiration without the perfect plan and everything all neat and tidy and all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed. Permission to be a human out here just trying to do her best, to live well, and to help others live well, too.

All right, my love. Think about it. What is it that you want to put into the world more and more? What is it that you want to give your people? What is it that you've been judging yourself for lately in the way you show up with other people? And just see, see what happens if you offer that very thing to you first-- to you first. I actually would love to hear from you. You could totally email me. You can contact me through my website. I would love to hear how it goes.

All right. Thank you so much for listening. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording