A Spell for Resolving Your Crankiness

Crankiness is part of being human.

For the toddler who doesn’t want their sandwich

if it’s not cut into triangles.

And the podcaster who loves her listeners

but sometimes needs some self-love and care

to get herself behind the mic.

This spell will help you find and honor

the real source of your crankiness,

so you can take back your agency.

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Make Magic:

As you unearth and address the circumstances

that motivate your crankiness,

I hope you’ll remember that

crankiness is a blessing.

It comes from a moment when we

see possibilities bigger and better

than the choices in front of us.

Transcript: A Spell for Resolving Your Crankiness

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, darling. Welcome to Mind Witchery. Full disclosure: I am recording a spell for resolving your crankiness, coming out [laugh] of a cranky place myself. Do you love this? The spell was inspired by a client, actually. I love this. One of my one-on-one clients sent me a message, and was like, “Natalie, I need a spell for my crankiness. I’m just—I’m feeling very, very cranky, and I don’t like it. Do you have a spell for this?” 

And I didn’t, but now I do. And it’s a good thing because this morning, as I was preparing for the day, and realizing that because of some traveling that I’m doing this week, this episode needs to get out of my head, and into this microphone, so that it can make its way to your ears. And if that’s going to happen, I, this week, don’t get to do my usual thing, which is record whenever I feel like it. 

Like, it kind of needs to happen today, and I was feeling cranky about that this morning—not because I don’t love you but because I just didn’t want to. [laugh] I wanted to have my coffee. So, I had occasion to try this spell out, and make sure it works—and it does. At least, it works for me. So, now, I can present it to you from a clearer space. 

All right. So, what is crankiness anyway? Crankiness is, I think, kind of a low-level irritation, right? Crankiness arises, I think, when things just aren’t the way we want them to be. Like, maybe other people aren’t doing what we want them to do, or circumstances aren’t the way that we would like them, and that little sense of “I don’t like this” begins to permeate our whole mood. 

So, I don’t know about you, but when I think about crankiness, I associate it with little kids. [laugh] Little kids do crankiness so well and, I think, not by accident. The little kids that do crankiness the most, and kind of the best, are the preschooler set—and I have a theory about this. Why is it that preschoolers can be so cranky?

I think it is because they have developed preferences. They do have a sense of their agency. Like, they know that they have some power in this world and, increasingly, as they are moving through their two-year-old, three-year-old, four-year-old life, they are finding that their choices are not unlimited. [laugh] 

They are finding that, actually, things don’t always go their way. They can see the array of possibilities. They know that dinner could be pancakes, because that one time, dinner was pancakes, and they loved it—and/but as they are living their lives, they are discovering that what they want isn’t always what is on the menu. 

Also, they’re tired. [laugh] They’re tired because they’re growing a lot. They are expanding cellularly in every way. So, their brains are growing, and their bodies are growing, and they’re tired. And, so, that, of course, also contributes to crankiness. 

When we are growing a lot, we need a lot of resources, a lot of rest, a lot of calories, a lot of nurturing, you know? So, I love thinking about these preschoolers as the avatars of crankiness, right, because we [laugh] love them. And even when they drive us nuts, we see their crankiness as par for the course. 

I would love to suggest that when you are feeling cranky, that is also par for the course. And I wonder if you feel crankier in a moment of growth, in moments where you know there are possibilities that are not on the menu for you today [laugh], so crankiness as showing you that you are feeling limited in your choices, and that you are in a moment of growing, you are in a moment of expanding, and you’re learning to navigate life from this place. I mean, listen, that’s where I am today. 

Why am I traveling this weekend? I’m going on a fantastic trip. I’m going to spend two full days with my coach. I cannot wait. I tacked on extra days after that so that I could integrate and rest a bit before I came back home. This is all wonderful. But what that means is that I don’t have the usual spaciousness in my calendar to record whenever I want. Right?

So, first thing about crankiness: it is not bad. And this is important because in the spell for resolving your crankiness, step one is actually to lean all the way into the crankiness. So, what I find tends to happen in adults is we are cranky, we have a low level irritability, and we just let that shit simmer. [laugh] We just let it simmer. We’re a little bit snippy, a little bit snappy, a little bit huffy, grumbly. We just let it simmer without really losing it. 

You know, we can take a cue from preschoolers. Now, I’m not advocating that we do exactly what they do. But when our kids are cranky, what they’ll do is throw a hot fit about how you gave them the blue cup, and they don’t want the blue cup. They only want the yellow cup ever. Right? [laugh] This is one of my favorite things to trade anecdotes about is how, like, if this kid has a sandwich, it better be cut in triangles. Do not serve that sandwich in squares. Don’t do it. Triangles only, right? [laugh] 

What the preschooler set does is they go in on the crankiness. Right? They allow it to get turned up. Now, I am not advocating for you throwing a bowl of Cheerios across the room, OK? But what I am saying is that your crankiness merits expression. So, step one of this spell for resolving your crankiness is to freewrite all about what’s wrong. Just really, really let it rip. Go for it completely and totally. 

If you can do this by hand—like, I’m kind of thinking journal or legal pad and pen—wonderful. There is something important that happens when our hand pulls our thoughts out of our mind. If you need to type because that’s what you do, you type, that’s fine too. A nice big, blank Google Doc where you can type out all what’s wrong; all what’s annoying. And I’d like to encourage you in this place to be catty, to be bitchy [laugh], to be self-righteous, to be judgy—just express it. Let it all out. 

Low-level irritation doesn’t really go away. Like I said, it simmers—and I think you know that. I think you know what it’s like to show up cranky. Like, you may be holding it in, but that doesn’t make you a pleasant or constructive person [laugh] with which to interact, right? It sure doesn’t make me a constructive person with whom to interact. So, using a different vehicle of expression can be wonderful, right?

Now, if words aren’t your thing, if you don’t love journaling, then get your body into some kind of motion or stimulation. You can go for a walk. You can go for a run. You can go for a drive. You can take a shower. And really allow yourself to explore all those thoughts. The idea is to get all of what’s irritating up and out. Right?

OK. So, once you’ve done that, the next thing to do is to ask yourself, “What is this really about? What is this really about?” I believe for our cranky preschoolers, it’s not really about the sandwich being triangularly cut. I think it’s really about them realizing they have so few choices. [laugh] They have such little say in the content of their days. And, so, the ability to express a preference, to make a choice, becomes supercharged. It becomes super emphasized. Right?

So, for you with your crankiness, what is it really about? And, again, for me, that step one, really letting all of the cattiness, the judgment, the crankiness, the anger, out of your head, expressing it, letting it all out. Then you can go back, and you can read back through. You can look at what’s in there, and notice what recurs. 

When you go back and you read your own words, especially if you’ve really let yourself express, if you’ve given yourself many, many minutes, a couple of pages, to write about this, or a nice long drive, or a nice long walk, or a nice long shower, letting it all out, and then getting to the place where you can review everything that came out, and you can see what is actually my problem here. What is actually important? What is the crux of this?

Now, that might be easy for you to do, especially if you’ve done some coaching or some therapy. And it might not be easy for you to do, in which case a coach or a therapist is such a wonderful resource for you. But for me, this second step—what is this really about?—is the grounding one. I imagine it kind of pulling in all the fumes of crankiness that are seeping out [laugh] through your house, through your workplace, through your interactions. It pulls them all in to, like, this core, this nugget, the thing that I’m actually upset about.

OK. So, number one: express. Really let yourself write out or say out all what’s wrong. Number two: ask yourself, “What is this really about?” And then number three: remembering, no matter what, I exist at choice. 

Now, my choices are not unlimited. They are not infinite. I live on planet Earth with lots of other humans who exist at choice. [laugh] I live on planet Earth with, you know, yoghurt that goes bad in the fridge when that’s what I wanted for breakfast. I live in planet Earth where there’s rain on the day that I really wanted sun, yeah? It’s not all up to me. It’s not all up to me. 

And/but—you know, my favorite, and/but—it’s not all up to me and/but I do exist at choice. And, so, what are the choices that are available to me? Because there always are choices available—always. They might not be the choices that you really want [laugh] but those choices are available. I think that’s why the kid learns, “OK, I don’t get to choose whether or not I’m having a sandwich for lunch—and/but I do get to choose that it is served on the strawberry plate. [laugh] I do get to choose that my sandwich is cut into triangles.” Yeah?

So, this morning when I was feeling cranky about really needing to get this recording done before I left, I realized I exist at choice. What are my choices? Well, I could rerun an episode I’ve already recorded. And immediately I was like, no, I don’t want to do that. I have this idea. I want to record it, right? It’s kind of perfect, actually, I decided, that I’m feeling kind of cranky. It’s like very real. It’s very walk-your-talk [laugh] of me, right?

What are my choices? I could choose to record tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is so busy, and I’ll be packing. No, that doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel good at all. OK. I could choose to record when I come back. It’ll be a very tight turnaround time, but I could do that. Hmm, no, I don’t want to do that. I don’t like the tight turnaround time at all. 

And, so, the more and more I evaluated my choices, the more I realized that the best choice was for me to go downstairs and to record right now. And guess what? Here I am, and I’m actually having a lovely time. [laugh] 

So, step three in this spell for resolving crankiness is to remember that you exist at choice, and to begin to evaluate your choices, because they are choices. Even if you’re feeling cranky about putting your tax paperwork together, even if that’s what you’re cranky about, you have choices. You could extend. You could just not file. You could. You’d have to deal with the consequences, but that is an option.

Again, when you evaluate all of your choices, then you’ll remember, all right, well, while I can’t choose everything, I do exist at choice, and I’m going to step out of my total irritation and victimization, and I’m going to shift into agency and some kind of choice. It is after all choice-by-choice that we get to move in the direction that we want to go. That’s how it works. Choice-by-choice, every choice opens up new choices.

My choice to record today opens up new choices for the entire week. This choice today, even though it’s not exactly what I want, it’s still my choice, and it positions me squarely in the middle of my agency. 

OK. So, this is the spell for resolving crankiness. I do super hope you’ll use it and find it helpful. But even more than that, I really hope you will honor your crankiness. I hope you will remember that crankiness comes—I really believe—in a moment where we see possibilities beyond what the choices are in front of us. That’s actually wonderful.

It’s wonderful to know that things could be different; that things could be better. I hope you’ll honor crankiness because, for very, very many of us, crankiness, irritation, anger is not allowed. It is unacceptable. Am I right? Even maybe in our preschoolers, we don’t want to allow for crankiness. And crankiness is just part of being human—it just is. 

And, listen, here in Aries season [laugh], here in the springtime in the northern hemisphere, even descending into autumn in the southern hemisphere, at these very highly changeable times of the year, where the weather gets super wonky, and it’s hot and it’s cold, and it’s hot and it’s cold, that can make us cranky. That is drawing on our resources, our biologically balancing resources extra much. The light is changing. The temperature is changing. 

There’s all the extra work that goes along with switching seasons to adjust our clothes and our circumstances, and back to school and spring break, and there’s a lot of disruption. And even when it’s welcome disruption—like my trip coming up—it’s still disruptive, and it requires more resources. 

So, alongside this spell for crankiness [laugh], alongside doing your expression and your self-inquiry, I hope you’ll remember that really what you might need is what our preschool friend needs: a nap. [laugh] Really what you might need is more help, more nurturing, more resources, more support. 

All right, my friend, thank you so much for listening today. Thank you for expecting this episode, because you loving this podcast really does give me energy to continue to make it. So, thank you for that. All right. I send you enormous love. Take good care. Thank you for listening, and bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording