A Spell for Honorable Boundaries

This spell is part of a very steep learning curve for me, and, I suspect, for you.

In a society that discourages self-honoring priorities,

and encourages us to accommodate the needs of others,

learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is a lifelong practice.

Here’s a spell that will help both of us climb that learning curve.

Subscribe! Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Pandora | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn

Mentioned: The very insightful book

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,

by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

Make Magic:

Honorable boundaries are honest about your needs.

They have clearly defined terms and consequences.

And they’re enforced when the boundary is crossed.

When you draw and hold these boundaries for yourself,

you’re setting an example for all of us who aren’t sure

we deserve to have our integrity respected.

Transcript: A Spell for Honorable Boundaries

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, my love. Thank you so much for joining me today. Oh, to be really frank with you, I am sort of amazed I can share today’s spell. Today’s spell is a spell for honorable boundaries. And the reason I’m sort of amazed that I can share it is that boundary setting and boundary enforcing has been a lifelong, very steep learning curve for me—for yours truly. Growing up, I did not have a lot of models for healthy, good boundaries. 

My mom is an incredibly generous caregiver, and my father was a surgeon. And, so, I saw, for example, in work life, my parents didn’t really have boundaries when it came to work. If someone needed to be seen at the hospital, my dad would get up and go. And my mom, with her big, generous heart, would always jump in to take more responsibilities, and offer more help, without a lot of explicit regard for her own needs. So, explicit boundaries were not something that I saw a lot of growing up.

Also—and I bet you might resonate with this—boundaries for my sort of being in the 21st century are not particularly encouraged, right? In fact, I’ll say that boundaries for women are culturally discouraged. We are, as Emily and Amelia Nagoski say, we are human givers. And anyone who is kind of categorized as a human giver rather than a human being, a human giver, is expected always to put other people’s needs, other people’s feelings above their own. We’re expected to have an open door policy when it comes to other people.

And, you know, finally, just me as a person, I love to be generous and flowy and free in my life. You can call it my Piscean nature. I’m a Pisces-rising Pisces Moon. You can look at all of my planets in Libra. You can just look at Natalie from the very beginning. I’ve always loved to feel very free to flow and to give and to engage really fully.

So, for all of those reasons, boundaries have been tough for me personally. And I wonder if you might even just take a moment to reflect on, yeah, like, what are the models for boundaries that I have seen? And, given my position in our society, am I expected always to accommodate others? 

And, so, factoring in of course any other disenfranchisement that you experience—so, if you are disabled, you are expected even more to accommodate others. If you are a person of color, if you are a person of the working class, you are expected to accommodate and privilege other people’s needs over your own. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, of course, but I do want to remind you because this really does factor in when it comes to how difficult it can be to create boundaries. 

And then, finally, how do you like to be in your life? What are your tendencies? Are you, like me, very flexible with time? Are you a person who really loves to be generous? If you are, then boundaries may feel extra challenging, or even like not native to you. 

OK. So, here are some signs that you need better boundaries, and, boy, do I know these. [laugh] OK. So, in any given relationship—and when I’m talking about a relationship, it might be between you and another person. It also might be between you and an entity, right? It might be between you and the apartment complex that you live in. It might be between you and the job that you have. OK?

So, early signs that you might need a more honorable boundary set is that you feel uncomfortable. There’s discomfort. There’s perhaps a little bit of irritation or a little bit of eh. [laugh] I like sometimes to use a sound in lieu of a word when it comes to feelings because, sometimes, language doesn’t quite express the sentiment. So, it’s like that “argh,” right? [laugh] And you can kind of hear there’s a closing in my throat to make that sound. There’s an “mmmph.” There’s a drawing in and a holding of the breath.

So, if I’m feeling that way in a relationship with someone or something, chances are it’s time for a more honorable boundary. And if I don’t create an honorable boundary, this is what happens. That “eh” turns into burnout or resentment or anxiety. That little seed of discomfort grows, and it becomes much bigger, and it becomes much more of a whole situation—so good to catch those things early. And good to catch them early because likely when we are not yet anxious and burned out, we actually have more power. We’re still feeling more resourceful; more connected to our agency.

And don’t worry if you’re [laugh] in the place where you’re like, uh-oh, that was—my “argh” was a long time ago. [laugh] I am fully in anxiousness or burnout or resentment. Then it’s OK. Like, there’s still hope. There’s still ability to set these boundaries.

And let’s dive right into that. So, what is it that makes a boundary honorable—that makes a boundary honorable? And the first thing for me is that it is honest, that is, the boundary is not minimal. It’s not crafted to be socially acceptable. It is one that truly preserves your integrity. And, so, I love to employ some whole-brained wisdom in even just thinking about what is the quality of the boundary that I need to set here?

So, here’s how I love to do this. I just discovered this actually a couple days ago. This right here is the inspiration for this whole episode because I loved this technique, I loved this approach so much. OK. 

So, I want you to imagine this other entity with which you want to set a boundary. And, again, it might be your mom. It might be your boss. It might be your workplace generally. It might be your partner. It might be a friend. It might be your email inbox [laugh], right?

Like, with what do you want to set a boundary? And just kind of for a moment imagine that you and this entity live next door to one another in a neighborhood. What kind of fence, what kind of barrier feels best between your two properties? And whatever comes to mind is exactly right. Sometimes, our controlling left brain wants to come in and say, “No, that can’t be it.” But, like, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

So, I have someone in my life with whom I need a very, very strong and clear and fortified boundary. And what comes to mind when I think about the fence between me and this person is basically a fence that would be at a prison. It’s very, very tall. It’s made of cinderblocks. It’s got barbed wire on the top. It is meant to put a very solid, formidable separation between the two of us.

When, however, I think about the fence, the barrier between me and my partner right now, immediately what springs to mind is a narrow, little flower bed, like a little, tiny strip of garden. And I imagine that I could step over it. The plants are low to the ground. I could step up and over it if I wanted to. 

And I imagine that we are both tending this little strip of garden, and so it’s full of flowers and herbs, and I imagine that he tends one side of it, and I tend the other side of it, and together we tend and we cocreate a thing of beauty, a thing with healing properties. Oh, isn’t that so [laugh]—I’m the luckiest. I’m just so—oh, that makes me feel really fortunate.

OK. So, for you, what comes up? What is the kind of fence or barrier that your heart, mind, body, that your right-brained-led self would like to have between you and them? Maybe it’s like a white picket fence with a gate that just swings and doesn’t have a latch. Maybe it’s a cedar fence that has a gate that does latch. Maybe it’s waist high. Maybe it’s up over your heads. Maybe it’s really dense shrubbery. I don’t know. 

What is it that came to mind? Whatever it is that came to mind is going to give you some clues about the quality of boundary that you need between you and that—between you and them. How strong? How clear? How formidable? Does it have edges that are so sharply defined, they’re like barbed wire? [laugh] Or does it feel a little more organic? Does it feel less rigid, right?

So, whatever came up for you, the first thing is to honor the quality of that. Be really honest with your felt sense of what’s needed here. OK. So, an honorable boundary is honest. It’s true to your feeling, right?

OK. Two, an honorable boundary is explicit. So, what I’m saying here is no invisible fences. And can I just tell you that I lived most of the first four decades of my life with invisible fences [laugh], meaning this: I did sense that I wanted a boundary, but I did not make it explicit. 

Do you all know about these invisible fences? My sister has one for her dog, and so there’s like—you can’t see a fence but there is kind of an—there’s an electric barrier around, and the doggo wears a collar. And when the invisible fence is turned on, and the dog approaches the boundary, he feels a little electrical pulse in the collar, and he knows, “Oh, I can’t—I’m approaching the boundary, and I can’t go past that,” right?

For me, in the first four decades [laugh] of my life, my invisible fences were there, I knew they were there, but I did not have them turned on. I was never warning people, “Hey, that’s my boundary there.” I was never articulating it—until… the day when I was just fed up, and then I would flip the invisible fence on, and people would just be shocked. [laugh] Like, this is a fun analogy. 

People would—I would just be like zap. I would lose it. I would lose my temper or I would up and quit, right? So, I would enforce the boundary incredibly abruptly, really in an act of self-preservation because I had not actually articulated or enforced a boundary up until that point. Yeah? 

So, how do we make these boundaries explicit? It depends, I think, a little bit on what is the kind of boundary you need? So, if you have something like my beautiful flower bed [laugh], the little, miniature garden that I have between me and my sweetheart, a boundary can really look like expressing preferences. Hey, I like it when… or, ooh, I really don’t like it when… right?

So, saying it out loud, saying, hmm, this doesn’t work for me, or this does work for me, these are my preferences. And when you’re in relationship with someone or something that is respectful of you and your wholeness and your integrity, that’s often enough. It’s often enough to say, “Here’s what I like and here’s what I don’t like,” right?

OK. So, maybe, you need a bit more of a fence, something with a gate, something that’s more of a barrier. You need a stronger boundary. In that case, you might say what you are available for. “Here’s my availability. Sweet friend, I am not available for body-shame talk. I’m not available to talk about weight loss. I’m not available to talk about diets. I’m not available for that.”

With work, it might be, “I’m not available to work after 4 p.m.” And, by the way, if you just heard 4 p.m., and you were like, “[laugh] Yeah, right,” I want to tell you it is possible to stop working at 4 p.m. I do it pretty much every day. And that’s what I mean. Remember, I said our culture is set up in a way that does not encourage boundaries from different sorts of people or in different sorts of situations. And, so, if you’re like, “I could never say I’m unavailable after 4 p.m.,” that is exactly how the Man likes it, right?

OK. So, again, if you need that stronger fence, declaring your availability, “This is what I am available for, and this is what I am not available for.” Yeah? OK. So, let’s say you also have a situation like I have where the boundary has to be very explicit and formidable and strong. No [laugh] picket fences in this particular relationship.

There’s a formula for boundaries in this situation, and it goes like this. “If you do this thing, then I will do this thing.” Right? So, this might be something like, “If you bring up the topic of X on the phone, I will hang up.” Right? 

So, maybe you’ve tried to say, “Hey, I’m not available for like body-shame talk. I’m really—I’m cultivating a different relationship with my own body, and I’m just—I’m not available to talk about diets and fat-shaming and that sort of thing.” And then your friend brings it up. Time for a stronger boundary. Time for a latch on the gate. Time for you to say, “Hey, if you bring this up, I’m just going to say goodbye, and hang up. I love you, but I’m not available for that.”

The boundary gets stronger. “If you do this thing, then I will do this thing.” This might look like, “If you arrive at my house, I will call the police.” OK. So, the common thread that I’m hoping you might notice in all of these making boundaries explicit is they are full of I statements. I’m not telling someone else what they can do or cannot do. I do not have power over on the other side of the fence. I don’t have agency there.

The other party can choose to do what they will do. I am making my own choices on my side. I’m saying, “This is what I like and this is what I don’t like. This is what I’m available for, and this is what I’m not available for. And, hey, if you do this thing, then I will do that thing.” Right?

So, notice, I’m not saying, “Do not bring up X on the phone.” I’m saying, “If you bring up X, then I will hang up.” Right? So, I’m owning my part in this. It occurs to me that there are certainly sometimes situations in which—for example, in a workplace situation—I don’t feel safe or comfortable saying what I am and am not available for. And, I mean, this is why we collectively organize, right? [laugh] 

This is why theoretically—and I know this is more often in theory than in practice—there are actually workplace policies to help us to enforce boundaries. And, so, you could absolutely say, “If you continue to pay us so poorly, then we will quit.” Right? So, boundaries can be collectively enforced and, in fact, sometimes sort of need to be collectively enforced.

OK. I just wanted to make that little footnote because, as you know, I like to try my best to be very real about some of the structural oppressions, and the imbalanced power dynamics that we collectively face. Like, yes, your mind is a magic wand, and also we live on planet Earth, right?

OK. So, boundaries are honest. They are explicit—made explicit, and that’s going to have to be by you. And, you know, I also do want to make a note that, oh, my goodness, that can be so uncomfortable. It is only now—for me, personally—getting more comfortable for me to say, “Hey, I don’t like it when this happens.” 

Expressing my likes and dislikes—I don’t know—in some points in my life, it has not been so challenging. And in others, it has been just amazingly challenging. Right? So, I get it, kind of making the fences visible is not necessarily easy. And, yet, it’s what protects and preserves our integrity. 

OK. Finally, one more thing, boundaries need to be enforced by you. Right? So, if you say, “Hey, I don’t like it when la-la-la-la-la,” and then the other person does the thing, a gentle reminder. “Hey, remember, I really don’t like this. It doesn’t feel good for me.” If you say, “I’m not available for working on the weekends,” do not work on the weekends. If you said you’re not available, don’t be. 

And then, finally, if you put one of those big “if you do X, then I will do Y” boundaries in place, follow through—follow through. Now, this is up to you but you don’t have to do it alone. You can do it with support—support of friends, support of a coach, support of a therapist, support of a partner. Right? 

Like, yes, enforcing the boundary is up to you but you exist in cocreation, and so there are entities that can help you. So, yes, it’s up to you but you are not alone in this. You’re not alone. You can marshal support. And maybe even that’s where this begins for you, especially if you are in the place of resentment, burnout, anxiety. Right? Because when our fences are invisible for so long, and everyone is just trampling over our edges, sometimes those edges are harder to find and define. 

And if that’s where you are, then the first step actually is just getting some help remembering who you are and who you want to be. That certainly was the first step for me, to sort of say, OK, this is how I’m feeling, and then to discover slowly, oh, I’m feeling this way [laugh] because I’ve got boundaries that I’m sensing the need for on the inside but I haven’t been honest about, I haven’t been explicit about, and I certainly haven’t enforced.

All right, my love, one more note here. When you articulate and enforce boundaries, you are not doing it just for you. You’re doing it for everyone. You’re doing it for relationships that have more integrity. You’re doing it for work environments that are more healthful, humane. 

When you articulate and enforce boundaries, you are modeling that for other people. And especially if you are someone who is not supposed to have boundaries, according to the dominant culture, when you articulate and enforce boundaries, you are doing something revolutionary, radically revolutionary. You are proclaiming your agency in the cocreation of our world. 

For the generous, the big-hearted among us, that can help so much to remember. And I will say, I’ve seen this, and maybe you have too. Is there someone in your life, in your world, that you’ve seen draw a boundary? You’ve seen it can be done. It opens up this whole possibility of a way of being that honors the integrity of each of us, that honors the reality of cocreation, which is that what I do is only up to me, and what you do is only up to you. 

But when we are going to cocreate, I can say, “This is what I like and what I don’t like. This is what I’m available for and what I’m not available for. And, hey, your actions do you have consequences. If you do this thing, then I will do this thing.” Right? 

All right, my loves. So, wherever you are in this journey—perhaps you’re way ahead of me because, like I said, this is something that has been a challenge for me personally. Maybe you’re way ahead of me. Maybe your boundaries actually helped me to even imagine that I could have mine. In which case, thank you. 

Maybe when you’ve thought about the fence that you need, you realized, oh, OK, it’s time to be much more honest about the kind of clarity and respect that I need in this relationship to preserve my integrity. And maybe you’re in the place where you don’t even know where your edges are. 

Wherever you are in this, I hope that this episode and this idea of honorable boundaries puts you on the path to owning and inhabiting your integrity, your wholeness in a deeper, sustainable, healthful for all of us kind of way. Thank you so much for listening. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is cocreated by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording