A Spell for Embracing Your Difference

I’ve got a vulnerable one for you this time, my loves.

It’s about the ways that society labels us as different,

and how we contort ourselves to either fit in

or stand out in the Right Ways.

It’s about learning to love the things that set us apart.

I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

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Make Magic:

If there is a place in your life where you don't feel free to be who you are,

where you don't feel free to operate in the way that suits you best,

where you don't feel honored for your talents,

or accepted in your difference,

if there is a place where you are not allowed to be unpleasant,

please liberally apply this spell.

Transcript: A Spell for Embracing Your Difference

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, my friend. Welcome. I’m always glad you’re here. And, today, I’m both glad and a little bit nervous [laugh] that you’re here. Today’s spell, the spell for embracing your difference, I actually just conjured it up—last week, in fact—and, so, it’s one that’s very fresh for me, and one that I’m very actively working with. 

And I really feel impelled to share with you a little bit more about myself, a little bit more about where this spell is coming from, and why it feels so powerful to me. And I am—I’m guessing that many of you out there will relate. I know none of you have had the same experience that I’ve had but I’m betting that some of what I say will be familiar to you—in your own way, of course, with your own details in your own way. And some of you might not relate, and that is OK. 

All right. So, I was a very different kid [laugh], and I was different in a few ways, and I want to talk about that a little bit. So, one of the ways that I was different was in my appearance. So, I have never had tons and tons of hair. I’ve always had not so much hair on my head—or really anywhere else [laugh], for that matter. And when I was a little girl, my hair came in really late. So, I was 2-, 3-, 4-years old still with little, wispy curls, and it really wasn’t until I was probably 8 or 9 that my hair really started to come in.

So, I was always very aware that that was a difference, and I was so envious of all of my friends’ long, straight or curly or frizzy or anything [laugh] just to have like a big head of hair like all my Barbies did, like, you know, like everyone I saw in pictures. It just seemed so glorious to have a full head of hair. And, in fact, my little sister did have very thick, curly hair, and I used to braid it and brush it and style it all the time—aware, of course, that I couldn’t do that with my own.

So, another way that I looked different is I have very deep-set eyes. I get these from the Polish side of my family [laugh], these deep-set eyes. And my deep-set eyes have darker circles under them. It’s because of the structure of my face. And I remember being in middle school, and there was one teacher who, I guess, didn’t understand that this is just my face. I just have dark circles under my eyes. And she was always expressing concern for me. “Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Are you healthy? Oh, these circles.” And I wasn’t conscious of them when I was a little girl. I was just kind of busy worrying about my hair. [laugh] But when I was in middle school, I started to become very self-conscious about the circles that I had.

Oh, also, by the way, I had very thick eyeglasses. [laugh] I laugh because the image that comes to my mind always is of these very ’80s style plastic frames, clear pink plastic with a little Snoopy on the side [laugh] right at the temple. And, so, I not only also wore glasses but they were thick glasses because my eyesight was pretty terrible. 

So, those were a handful of the ways that I just looked different. There were other ways I was different as well, though. I was a super early reader—very, very early. I was reading at like 2; 2 and 3, I was already reading. And, so, when I was in preschool and in elementary school, I was just very quick with my work. So, I was always done before everyone else, and I was always asking for more things to do. 

I hesitate to say this because—but this is the spell for embracing your difference, so I’ll just say it. I tended to be pretty good at everything. I was talented at speaking. I was talented at music. I was—well, listen, we have to exclude pretty much all the sports [laugh] because I was not super talented at sports, especially things that involved throwing or catching balls. I was not good at sports. 

But, other than that, I was a talented dancer. I was a talented musician. I was a talented writer. I was a talented speaker. And, so, I tended to stand out in that way also. I tended to be the soloist. I tended to be the spelling bee winner. I tended to stand out in that way.

And, so, what I realize now I learned as a child—and this brings tears to my eyes—I learned that, OK, you are different. So, you must be different in the way that delights people. You can’t help it. You are different. You don’t look the same. You don’t act the same. So, it’s very, very important that your difference is pleasing. 

If you’re going to be not normal—and, of course, now we know, like, what the fuck even is normal? But if you’re going to be abnormal, you need to be extraordinary. You have to be extraordinary. You must stand out in a positive, pleasing way. 

Of course, no one ever said that to me. I just knew that when a teacher was fretting about how I must be sick because of the circles under my eyes, that didn’t feel good. But when a teacher was coaching me to give a speech at the state championship whatever, that did feel good. 

And this isn’t [laugh]—I know it’s sort of like I’m stating the obvious. But I guess that for me, it wasn’t obvious that these two things were linked for me. That pushing myself to always be the best, pushing myself to be first chair, to be president, to be captain, to be the valedictorian, was in part insurance. It was in part a way to say, yes, I am different. I do stand out from the crowd. I stand out from the crowd in my achievements, than in what’s, quote, unquote, “wrong” with me.

So, as we fast-forward many decades [laugh], here I am, now I’m 44 years old. And just last week, I was in New Mexico. I went to Taos as—I think I’ve told you—I’m offering a retreat there next summer. I’ve offered many retreats there but this one’s going to be different. This one is going to be super deluxe. 

So, in New Mexico, I was investigating, and I wanted to kind of check out some of the resources that I wanted to tap into for the first time for this retreat. And one of the things that I did was have an intuitive reading. And in this reading, which was not about my childhood at all, actually, but the intuitive asked me, “Hey, do you do any inner child work?” And I said, “Yes, I do, actually. That’s something that my coach is really into, and I have been doing inner child work.” 

And he said, “OK, I have the strong sense you’re supposed to do this in the evening. When do you do it?” And I said, “I do it in the morning.” And he said, “Yeah, you’re supposed to do it at night.” And I said, “OK.” I put that in my back pocket. 

So, that very evening, my partner and I—my sweet partner and I were together in our little hotel room, and I was just feeling out of sorts. I was feeling out of sorts. I was feeling unpleasant. [laugh] I was feeling kind of restless and rrr, and I was in no mood to be pleasing. 

And while I generally feel in my partnership full permission to be unpleasant [laugh] at times—sorry, sweetheart, but I do—in this moment, I did not. In this moment, I did not feel that that was OK, and we had, I mean, as close to a spat as we have. We don’t really fight. But we just had this moment of friction.

And I went into the bathroom, and I started the bath, and I was feeling very agitated and upset, and I lowered myself into the warm tub. And I remembered the intuitive had said, “Hey, you know, work with your inner child at night.” And, so, I closed my eyes, and I gathered this image of her. 

Oh, my gosh. I’m in third grade. [laugh] I had this day in third grade, my friend, where the most popular girl in our school who had—she moved away for second grade, she moved back in third grade. And when she moved back, she walked into the room, and everyone was like, “Oh, she’s back.” It was like a movie. [laugh] 

And she was wearing like the quintessential schoolgirl outfit. She was wearing a plaid skirt and a white button-down, and penny loafers. Penny loafers were very in this particular year. And, you know, she had this swingy blonde hair, and she walked into the classroom, and I just was like, wow, she looks like she just walked off a TV show.

And I looked down. [laugh] I looked down, and I realized I was wearing a bubblegum pink sweatsuit—sweatpants and sweatshirt. And the sweatshirt had puff paint—do you all remember puff paint? Some of you might be too young—but puff paint bunnies on it. And, you know, here I am, I’ve got my pink glasses with Snoopy on the side, I’ve got my bubblegum pink sweatshirt, I’ve got my little tendrils of frizzy hair, and I just remember feeling like, oh, this is not good. This is not good. [laugh] This is not OK. I’m so different. 

So, as I gath…sitting in the tub, you know, 30 years later—35 years later, I’m sitting in the tub in Taos, New Mexico, and I gather this image of that little girl—oh, that brings tears to my eyes—I gather this image of this little girl to my heart and mind. And I just knew what she needed to hear, and I said to her, “There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.” And that is the spell. That is the spell for embracing difference. There is nothing wrong with you. 

In this world in this moment, in 2021, we are trying on so many fronts to embrace diversity but for real. I have so many friends my age, middle-age, finally now, four decades into their lives, getting a diagnosis of ADHD, of neurodiversity, and feeling so relieved to understand, oh, it’s not that there’s something wrong with me. I’m just different. And we are all different.

Now, it seems slowly—very slowly and not steadily [laugh], in fits and bursts—we are opening up more and more to acknowledging and embracing differences, diversity. And, yet, at the same time, that doesn’t erase what so many of us grew up with, feeling like, believing, we were the only one, the only one with trouble at home, the only one with darker skin, the only one who doesn’t like boys, the only one. And that because we were standing out in that way, there was something wrong with us. 

You know, almost every client that I work with has a story like this, a story of how they were different, and all of them are over-achievers. I can’t help but wonder if the over-achieving is the effort to be outstanding rather than to stand out, to stick out, to not belong. 

So, the spell for embracing your difference, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. And I’d love to invite you to practice this perhaps with your inner child or your inner teen or your inner 22-year-old, the one who felt that it was not OK to be who they are, the one who doubled down on achieving and pleasing in order to ensure belonging. Oh, those sweet, sweet kids. [laugh] There was nothing wrong with them. 

Also, I would love for you to celebrate how more and more we are seeing modalities and approaches that really do attend to individual differences. They’re blossoming more and more. In the coaching industry, I’m seeing it. I’m seeing so many people talking about how one method does not work for everyone, and it’s not because there’s anything wrong with the method or with the person. It’s just that we’re all different. We all work in different ways. 

As we all know very well, there are many societal structures that benefit from—and, therefore, enforce—normativity. People who are willing to conform, to squeeze themselves into boxes, to embrace ways of being that suit those in power, those are much easier people to control. You know, that makes me wonder, actually, if those of us who have an unreconciled relationship with our difference, that is, those of us who are not completely comfortable being different, both in the ways we are outstanding, that is, we rise, I guess, above or we stand out from the crowd, and in the ways that we stick out, stand out, the ways that we’re, quote, unquote, abnormal—which, of course, is bullshit, but still.

When we have an untended, unreconciled relationship with that, I think we’re more susceptible to falling under the spell, falling under the control of a person who would love to tell us the way that we should be. I say this because I, myself, have recently emerged from a couple of relationships with narcissists, with people who wanted me to conform to their idea of me. And they were, I think, attracted to the ways that I was outstanding, but then, in relationship, exploited the fears I had about being different. 

And I do feel compelled to say that because, my friend, if there is a place in your life where you don’t feel free to be who you are, where you don’t feel free to operate in the way that suits you best, where you don’t feel honored for your talents, where you don’t feel accepted in your difference [laugh], that is, if there is a place where you are not allowed to be unpleasant, please liberally apply this spell. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just different. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just different—and we are all different.

Thank you so much for joining me this day for this tender episode. Phew. As you’re listening to it, I will probably be nursing a vulnerability hangover, but this is what I’m here to do. 

So, if you would like to join me in New Mexico, if you would like to sit with the intuitive that has already brought a wealth of perspective to me and my life, if you would like to have your photograph taken by King Moe—Monique Floyd—who will help you, I promise, see your physical self differently—I am telling you I feel completely different in front of the camera now after working with her—if you would like to come and be coached by me, we’ll have myriad group coaching experiences, workshops but unlike any you’ve done before. 

And if you’d like to come and soak up the magic of New Mexico, please get on the special list for getting early access to all the details of Luminous in Taos, for being the first to be able to apply to come, and for special pricing too. So, that link is on my website if you go to nataliekmiller.com/retreat. It’s also in the notes for this show.

Thank you so much for listening today. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just different—and we are all different. It’s beautiful. All right, my friend. Bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is cocreated by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording