A Perfectionist's Spell for Creating Something New

Creating a new thing can be pretty messy.

Learning how to do something requires us to start by

screwing up, making mistakes, and being kind of bad at it.

If you’ve developed an attachment to succeeding,

planning to be less than great at anything can sound like a nightmare.

Here’s a spell to help you embrace

the glorious imperfection of making something new.

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Mentioned:

timewitchery.com/planner, where you can get a Time Witchery anti-planner to help you keep track of your experiments.

Make Magic:

To keep your perfectionism from overwhelming your creative impulse,

don’t think about it as doing a thing (which means doing it superbly).

Instead, try imagining yourself as a scientist,

and whatever endeavor you’re embarking on as a creative laboratory,

where success is all about gathering information

and learning by doing.

Transcript: A Perfectionist's Spell for Creating Something New

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Hello. Today I have for you a perfectionist's spell for creating something new. And I'll start by saying, what I mean by a perfectionist is someone who's got really high standards; high standards for themselves, especially; high standards for their work; and, I mean, I think also high standards for the world. So a perfectionist is someone for whom the bar is always high [laugh], and for whom reaching the bar is not optional. Yeah?

So I am this person, and I almost exclusively work with this kind of person. Honestly, if you are a fan of Mind Witchery, you may very well be this kind of person. And I do just want to talk a little bit about what I know to often be true about us, and that feels necessary because it helps to elucidate, I think, why we need a spell for creating something new.

OK. So, number one, I find that we perfectionists tend to be very sensitive. We are sensitive to aesthetics. We are sensitive to other people's reactions. We notice and therefore are very attentive to details.

How did we become this way? I don't know. I do think many of us had maybe responsibility beyond our capacity when we were children. Many of us served as an additional parental figure in our homes. Certainly many of us were praised for and rewarded for our doings, like, what we did, our achievements. We were designated gifted and talented. We were always expected to make the team, to get good grades, to win the contest.

And, as such—this is sort of number two—we have a very low tolerance for failure. [laugh] Like, failure sort of wasn't an option for many of us growing up, and so we kept that standard for ourselves as we moved through young adulthood and into adulthood. Achieving and doing well, exceptionally well, was such a central part of our identity that it is very difficult to, like, handle a scenario in which we fail, in which we don't do well.

And I love to use—when I'm describing this—the example of the group project. Perfectionists were the people and are the people who will just take full charge of a group project. It's like, well, I sure as fuck am not failing. [laugh] Like, I'm not getting a B. So I will run this thing, and I will go ahead and do the lion's share of the work.

I was certainly this person, and the example tends to resonate a lot for my people, my perfectionist clients. So there's that, number one, very sensitive to qualities of things; number two, very low tolerance for failure, just because achieving, winning, perfecting has been such an important part of our identity.

And then, number three—and this really is an effect of our super individualistic culture, which I talk about a lot, the culture that pretends as if individuals are achieving on their own—I find that perfectionists are extra, extra susceptible to that, because we have always been kind of labeled as exceptional. And we've stood out, right, top of the class, star of the show, like, that kind of outstanding individual.

Again, very often growing, up we had outsized responsibility. And that might've been at home. That might've been at school. But we often were the one that our parents didn't need to worry about, or we were the one that the teacher could kind of leave in the corner in her own reading group because she was reading at a higher level than everyone else, and so, you know, wasn't necessarily getting that much attention. Right?

So I think wherever it came from, there is perhaps a greater emphasis on individual achievement, on doing it ourselves. Yeah? So that combination [laugh], super sensitivity, very low capacity for failing, and this exaggerated sense of individual accomplishment, individual achievement, those together make it extraordinarily hard for a perfectionist to reckon with all that goes along with creating something new.

OK. What I mean by something new is pretty much anything you'd create and put out into the world. So a new offer as an entrepreneur, or a website maybe, a novel or an album or a podcast or a blog, or a new business, any of those somethings we might be creating anew are really going to challenge our super sensitivity and super high standards for all the details.

It is definitely going to challenge our low tolerance for failure. When we are creating something truly new, of course we're going to fail. That is going to happen. And then, finally, when we are creating something new, the bigger it is, the more impactful it is, the more of a group project it is going to be, truly.

Everything is co-created. I do think that's something that is both a challenge and also a balm for us. It is in many ways a relief to understand that, in fact, it is not completely solely up to us, that we are not in this alone, that actually we are all in this together.

And, at the same time, it can be super challenging to do our thing consciously in that reality, in that co-creative reality, because we're realizing that, in fact, we cannot control all of the variables. We cannot control all of the details. We cannot control all of the co-creators, and we certainly cannot control all of the responses we'll get. Right?

So maybe in sixth grade, in the group history project, we had the illusion of that control. We were able to, you know, write the paper, and create the poster board, and tell our classmates which parts of the presentation they were going to do. And we had a sense of our history teacher's preferences, and so we were able to win, to impress her.

But, of course, if we're writing a novel, if we're publishing a podcast, if we're putting some kind of offer out into the world, the audience is much bigger. The parameters and the possibilities are much broader. And I think we know [laugh], we understand that we won't be able to get every single detail right, we won't be able to please everyone, and that's really scary.

And, you know, the more reach we get, the more successful we are as entrepreneurs, as creatives, the more our work becomes a group project. It's like the bigger, the splashier, the more impactful the endeavor, the more of a group project it is. I'm just imagining right now watching a movie, and seeing at the end the credits roll. Like, all of the co-creators, the collaborators who go into creating a movie, it's a lot, right?

Well, it's the same for you, should you write a novel and have it published. It's the same for you, should you put an offer out into the world, and have lots of people take you up on it. Perhaps it's for that reason that even as the perfectionist gets more and more successful, we don't necessarily feel more and more confident because we are aware that as our reach expands, so does the potential for displeasing someone.

As our work expands, there are more details to take care of. And as our work expands, the more co-creators, the more help we will need. And all of that is so challenging to us. Now, layer on top of that then doing something new, something where we don't yet know. We haven't yet tried. We are very likely going to hold our high standards way up where they are, even as we are on a personal growth edge, as we are venturing into a less known territory and a more precarious position. Yeah?

So here is the spell. This is working wonders for me, it is working wonders for the people with whom I'm working, and I'm hoping it will work wonders for you. When we perfectionists are creating something new, it is extraordinarily helpful to deem it an experiment. This isn't my new offer, this is an experiment I'm running. This isn't my next novel; this is an experiment I'm trying. This isn't my podcast; this is an experiment in self-expression.

And so I think that conceptualizing it as an experiment does so much for us conceptually, it's so empowering. So we are still going to have those high standards. We are still going to have that sensitivity to all the details. But when it's an experiment, I think there is more permission to not need to get every single detail, every single decision right, to get it correct. Yeah?

I find that that is often so paralyzing for perfectionists, the need for every single I and T to be dotted and crossed just perfectly. And, of course, when there's a new endeavor, that's just—it's not possible. It's like we are writing in a whole new font, so we don't even know where the lines and dots go.

So when we deem the new endeavor an experiment, we can still attend to details but in a more curious, spacious, maybe even playful way. It's not like the high standard goes out the window. It's more like the high standard becomes broader or more spacious, or there's more room for trying something and seeing what happens rather than an imperative to get it exactly right on the first try. Yeah?

OK. So, number two, I think deeming a new endeavor and experiment also helps us expand our capacity for failure, because in the concept of experiment is this might work, and it might not, and it doesn't matter whether it works or doesn't work. What matters is that I tried, and I got information. Yeah?

So I had a client, and we were talking about her new offer. And she was like, "Yeah, no, I mean, I know I need to iterate, and I'll be iterating." And I gently encouraged a switch from the idea of iterating, because I think what I hear "iterate," I hear, "tweak it and make it better and better and better and better." Right? And that feels tight to me, and it feels like, well, you better start with something really good because that's the thing you're going to tweak and get better and better and better at. Right?

I prefer that we talk about it as an experiment, because that allows for more and bolder creativity. If I am experimenting rather than iterating, then it doesn't have to be almost perfect the first time. [laugh] It can be a version of something that I want to try the first time, and then if that turns out not to be the direction I want to go, well, it was an experiment, and I can always do another experiment. Yeah?

So as we do these experiments, what I really love is that experience and experiment by experience and experiment, we do actually expand our capacity for failing. We allow ourselves to get more curious about it, to really step into growth mindset, and that is just one of the most healing and expansive things that a person with perfectionist tendencies can do, truly.

OK. So now that third facet of perfectionism that keeps us from doing new things, that resistance to co creativity, or that illusion of individual achievement that we have. I think that the concept of experimenting also gets us so much more aware of the co-creative and collaborative nature of reality, right?

In an experiment, we don't know what's going to happen, so we're not trying to control the result. Yeah? We are in more of, again, a curious and open posture toward what will happen, and I think that that really shows us how little control we have in like how something is received in the world.

So I have this great example from super early on in my own coaching business. One of the first offers I ever created, a group coaching offer, was this, hmm, I want to say a 12-week series on perfectionism. What was it called? Oh, I can't remember.

But, anyway, it was like a 12-week group coaching class around perfectionism. And the very first time that I offered it, so many people joined that I was able to open a second section of it. I think I ended up with like 45 people in this class, and it was great and it went really well. And I had a lot of people who would go on to do other things with me. So, like, I felt, of course, amazing about that offer. I felt like, yeah, I really got it. Yeah?

And then maybe nine months-ish later, I thought, you know what was really successful? That perfectionism class. I'm going to run it again. So I ran it again. Three people signed up—three—one, two three. Same copy. Same me. In fact, more experienced me, right? [laugh] Like, I was actually, like, this was not the first time I was running it. It was going to be even better. Yeah? I had testimonials that second time. Like, you know, only three people signed up.

Now, the perfectionist in me wants to deem this a failure. Clearly you have failed. But I was somehow, probably because I was receiving a lot of coaching at the time also, I was able to be curious about it, and I was able to ask like, huh, that's so strange. What is different? What has shifted? What has changed?

And I was also able to see that of the people who signed up for that class, they all ended up being super longtime clients of mine. So I guess like in a way, it didn't work because, you know, the registration was really low. But in another way, it absolutely worked because it brought perfect clients to me.

So when we are remembering that it's all co-created—you're co-creating with other people, you're co-creating with the stock market, you're co-creating with the time of the year, you're co-creating with the news cycle, you're co-creating with who even knows what—like, it's not all up to you; it isn't. This thing is a group project, and you are co-creating with so very many forces that perhaps if you just think of it as an experiment, then you can be open and curious and receptive to that with which you're co-creating. Yeah?

OK. So that is it. That is a perfectionist's spell for creating something new. Call it an experiment, even if it's your fifth book of poems. Call it an experiment, even if it is a new business that you are hoping is going to flourish. In the beginning, call it an experiment, and see if that helps you to feel more playful with all of the details, if it helps you to expand your capacity for not getting it quite right, for not pleasing everyone and, more than anything, if it helps you to be more curious, more consciously co-creative, less controlling.

I super much hope that this spell gives you inspiration and energy to try that thing you have been wanting to try, to create something new. When it's an experiment, it doesn't have to be perfect. Wouldn't you love though to see what it could be when it moves out of your head, and into the world? Yeah, experiment.

All right, my love. Hope you found this helpful. And, you know, Mind Witchery once upon a time was an experiment. And, honestly, episode to episode, it still feels that way. So there you go. Thanks so much for listening. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world.

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.

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