A Spell to Stop “Feeling Behind”

In a world of Clocks and Calendars,

that wants us to judge ourselves in comparison to others,

it’s so easy to feel like we’re not moving as fast as we should be.

But I have good news.

Behind? It isn’t real.

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Mentioned:

Mind Witchery Episode 24, A Spell for Realizing Progress.

The Tyranny of Time, by Joe Zadeh.

Make Magic:

If you find “behind” as demotivating as I do,

ask yourself: what or whom am I measuring against?

If it’s anything other than your own values or goals,

give yourself permission to let it go.

Transcript: A Spell to Stop “Feeling Behind”

Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, my dear. I’m excited to talk to you today. It’s funny. I find myself curious about where you are and what you’re doing when you are listening to Mind Witchery. I hear from some of you. Sometimes you say you listen while you walk, or you listen while you sit on your porch. 

I have to admit that I am usually listening to podcasts either when I am driving someplace or when I’m doing something like making a multi-step dinner or doing some kind of like gardening chore or something like that. So, I wonder what you’re doing. And whatever it is, I hope that it is because you want to be doing it. 

So, today’s episode is inspired by the responses that I received after publishing the Spell for Realizing Progress. So, that was Episode 24, and maybe you’ll remember I used this agricultural metaphor to talk about what progress is actually like. That progress isn’t linear, and it’s not like this staircase that you just climb and climb and climb. 

Progress is actually kind of like cultivating a field, and so sometimes it involves patience and waiting, and sometimes it involves doing a lot of clearing out and fertilizing, and it’s not all just kind of, you know, a march toward fruits. [laugh] Though it is a journey towards fruits, but it’s not so linear, and it’s not so predictable, and it’s not up and up and up and up. 

And so many of you commented on the posts, the social media posts, or even wrote straight to me, saying that you felt like the episode gave you permission to be where you were, and to take your time, and to trust that wherever you were in that cultivation of this next project, it was not only OK, it was good. 

And the thing I heard again and again was, “I was feeling so behind, and now I feel like it’s OK.” I’m so interested always in this phrase that we have together, this idea that we have of feeling behind—of feeling behind—and how damaging it can be, how demotivating and demoralizing it can be. 

And, so, I wanted to talk about this concept today of feeling behind, and to give you a spell. And let me just tell you right now this is not a tidy one. [laugh] This is not—well, I do have a simple affirmation for you, but I do have sort of a number of questions that I will encourage you to ask yourself when you are, quote, “feeling behind.” So, today’s spell is a spell to stop feeling behind. And you’ll notice that feeling behind is in scare quotes because, darling, what even is that?

OK, so number one. “Behind” is not a feeling. It’s not an emotion. It is a value judgment. We are making a judgment. We are making an assumption. We are deciding, actually, that we are behind. 

So, the first thing actually is to help us to get into the habit of saying not that I’m feeling behind but I am believing I am behind. I am thinking that I am behind. I am deciding that I am behind. Right? “Behind” is not a feeling. “Behind” is like a mental calculation that says, “Here’s where I should be, and here’s where I am, and where I am equals behind.” Right?

OK; so number one, “behind” is a belief. It’s a decision. I’m believing that I am behind. Now, it is totally worth our while to spend a moment asking ourselves, “How do I feel when I am believing I am behind?” Right? So, maybe there is someplace in your life where that’s your narrative right now. You’re behind on a project or a goal or something, right?

So, take a moment. Think to yourself, “I’m behind. I’m behind.” How do you feel? I, myself, feel anxious. There’s a pressure almost in my upper chest, like my collarbones down and back, is a pressure. I feel stifled. I feel this kind of push-pull. I both feel scared to do something, and I feel like I have to do something. So, I just feel stuck. I feel immobilized. 

So, when I am believing I’m behind, the feelings that that thought conjures in me, the feelings that that thought generates do not support forward momentum—for me. Right? Now, hey, maybe for you, believing you’re behind is motivating. In which case, like, I have other spells for you. Maybe you don’t need this one. [laugh] But, for me, it is not motivating. It’s a—or it’s not a pleasant motivation. It’s a very stressful feeling of push-pull.

OK. So, whenever we have a thought that is creating feelings that aren’t helpful—an unhelpful thought creating unhelpful feelings—it’s great to ask some questions. So, number one, behind what, or behind whom? Am I behind schedule? OK. Am I behind my peers? OK. Am I behind where I imagined I would be? Right? So, that’s question number one. I’m believing I’m behind. Behind what or behind whom? 

OK. So, question number two, how do you know? So, let’s say that I’m in a coaching program, and I have all of these new friends and colleagues, and I’m believing I’m behind them. How do I know? How do I know that?

A human life is so complex. Right? There’s so many things going on for a person. There are so many endeavors that we have. There are so many categories of life where we are, you know, doing our work, and where we’re cultivating new habits or new tendencies, or going for more integrity, right? 

So, how could I ever really look at other people, and know that I’m behind? And then, also, you know, we’re not all starting from the same place. I’m having a vision right now of a track race like around a running track. Not everyone starts in the same place. At the very beginning when they’re all set up, it might look like the person all the way to the inside is, quote, “behind” but they’re not. They’re ring is a different length than the outermost ring. Right? 

Not everyone is running the same distance, so not everyone is starting in the same place. And, my friends, for a human being especially, it’s just so complicated. There’s inner work. There’s outer work. There are so many variables. Right? So, I hope that that—thinking about that helps to put the “behind whom” just to bed, because that’s—how would you even know? Right?

And then behind schedule, how do you know? Is it because your calendar has a deadline on it? OK, this is where I want to get a little bit [laugh] philosophical for a moment because I read this amazing article. It’s by Joe Zadeh, I’ve linked to it in the show notes, and the article is called The Tyranny of Time. And may I just ask you, my friend, like, cross your heart for me, and say, “I am going to read that article, The Tyranny of Time by Joe Zadeh.”

So, in this article, Joe Zadeh points out and explores how calendar time and clock time actually—he’s more focused on clock time—it is a human imposition. It’s not real [laugh] and/or there are many ways to mark time, and when we choose clocks and calendars, we are choosing the very most rigid ones. I learned in this article that in order for a clock to be super regular, like, if they want to cre…you know, there are now atomic clocks. There are clocks that can be very, very precise and regular. But in order for a clock to be regular, to be precise and measured, you have to isolate it from reality. Isn’t that fascinating? Gravity can’t affect it. Humidity can’t affect it. Weather can’t affect it. Out…like, nothing can affect it. You have to isolate it as much as you can from the world.

Now, listen. Natalie Miller, she has a very flexible relationship with time. [laugh] I have a lot of water energy. I have a lot of Pisces, a lot of air in my chart. So, for me, time is always—it expands and it contracts just like everything else in my experience. So, this is easier for me to grasp, I think. 

But, you know, in this article, Joe Zadeh talks about how there are Native American tribes that mark time based on how plants flower, right, a more organic, a more present awareness-focused way of marking time. So, standardized time—you may already know this—came about because railroads needed it, right? When there are bigger, powerful structures that need everyone to agree on a schedule, then time standardizes, and this was fairly late actually in the 19th century that this happened. 

Calendar time and clock time does not allow for a present-focused awareness. Clock time and calendar time are attempting to organize reality but without being present to the ebbs and flows of life. 

I’m always interesting when I fly in airplanes. Have you noticed this? Once upon a time, maybe 20 years ago, flights were often late, right? They arrived behind schedule. The airlines said, “It will take three hours to fly to Los Angeles. You will arrive at noon,” and then you would arrive at 12:15, and the flight was, quote, unquote, “late.” It was behind schedule. 

And then because no one likes to arrive late, and it makes customers unhappy, airlines started to adjust, and they started to say, “Oh, you know, it takes three and a half hours to fly to Los Angeles, so you’ll arrive at 12:30.” And then because, actually, three and a half hours gives you plenty of time, they’ll say, “Oh, everyone, we’re on time for an early arrival into LAX. We’ll touch down at 12:08.” And, so, everyone on board says, “Oh, 22 minutes early. How lovely.” Right?

But notice that second flight is ahead of schedule, not because the flight went faster or the flight was better. It’s because the schedule was more spacious. The schedule was more realistic. So, coming all the way back to that question, “How do you know you’re behind schedule?” well, the calendar says right here. OK, well, why is the calendar more important than you, than reality? And/or how is the calendar maybe divorced from reality, or not honoring reality? 

So, I want to pause here and say that I know that we do abide by clock time and calendar time. I know that sometimes a schedule is not your schedule, and that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. Although I would love to point to that airline’s example as a way of saying, you know, humans do have the power to expand schedules. 

So, for example, if our school systems have agreed that here’s the deadline for a certain thing that needs to get accomplished, we actually can come together, and change that deadline to be more spacious and to be more honoring of reality, right? But I don’t really want to get into that piece so much. What I want to do is to help you to see that you can adjust a calendar to give yourself more space, and therefore less chance that you will be, quote, unquote, “behind.” 

OK. So, behind what or whom, and then how do you know you’re behind? And then why does it matter? Why does it matter? I’m behind all my colleagues in this coaching program. Why does it matter? Ultimately, if you ask that question enough, it will come down to it’s proof I’m not as good as they are, which is just like ugh. [laugh] I don’t like that. And if I’m believing that then, for sure, I’m going to have that demotivated, demoralized experience.

Why does it matter that I’m behind schedule? For me, that’s almost always going to come down to, well, it doesn’t matter if quality is more important than speed. And that leads me to this kind of final question here. What matters more and/or what matters most in this endeavor? Here I am, I’m in this coaching program. What matters most?

Does it matter that my results look like my friend’s results? Does it matter that my timeline is right next to my friend’s timelines? Or, actually, does it matter that I’m creating something I’m really excited about? Does it matter that I am building some stability, and that means going more slowly? 

It’s again a values orientation. What is actually important to me here? And I find that when I look at that piece, what’s actually important, I find that part of the reason I’m, quote, unquote, “behind” is that I am valuing what is more important. And that might even be something as simple as ease in my day. 

You know, I’ve decided that ease in my day, I’ve decided that time with my family and friends, I’ve decided that sleep and pleasure are actually more important than my calendar, are actually more important than any timeline. The contents and the quality of my life are more important than due dates. And the content and quality of my work is more important than its timeline, you know?

So, when I decide what’s most important, maybe I’ll be willing to work backward to create a timeline that gives me more room, that gives me more spaysh. Ooh [laugh], I just said “spaysh” instead of space, and I love that actually. That’s how I want it to feel—“spaysh”—like it’s got luxuriousness in it. It’s spacious. It’s “spaysh.” Let me let my timeline work for me rather than me always working for my timeline. 

OK. So, I promised you a fairly succinct little spell here, and that is coming right up. But I am giving myself “spaysh” to invite you to marinate in that first exploration, right? Behind is not a feeling. It’s a belief. It’s a judgment. And it’s worth inquiring into behind what or whom? How do you know? Why does it matter? And what matters more? What matters most?

So, after you destabilize this, quote, “feeling behind” a little bit, here’s the spell. I am right on time. I am right on time. I am always right on time. Where I am is exactly where I need to be. I am always right on time. Whatever I’m learning right now, that is what I need to learn. Whatever strength I’m building, that is the strength that I require. Whatever clearing, whatever ease I am investing in, that is necessary for what’s next. I am always right on time, and my next step is…

And this is the piece that when I’m feeling, quote, unquote, “behind” [laugh] I just imagine me like on a hike, having dropped my backpack, slumped over, hollering, “I’m behind!” Seeing the trail stretching in front of me, seeing my fellow hikers on the move, and I’m here hollering, “I’m behind! I’m feeling behind.” When really, the thing to do is to say, “I’m hiking, and my next step is a sip of water, and my next step is not a step. It's to sit down on this rock and stretch my legs. And my next step is this one and then this one and then this one. I am always right on time. I’m exactly where I need to be.”

So, I hope this is helpful. I hope that wherever it is that some behind-ness is haunting you, you can go in and shake it up and clear it out. OK. Remember—maybe you promised to read that article, The Tyranny of Time. The link is in the show notes, or Google will get it for you. You know, have a look. Whenever you get to it will be the perfect moment. Thanks for listening. Bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.