A Spell for Stepping Into Your Power to Choose

When you’ve outgrown your circumstance, 

a simple yet powerful shift can help you align your actions

with your evolving values and desires for a more authentic life.

I use this mindset shift personally and with my clients. 

Let me show you.

Subscribe! Apple | Pandora | Spotify | TuneIn | YouTube

Make Magic:

To embrace the power of your agency and choice, reflect on

areas in your life where you feel done tolerating certain behaviors or situations.

Replace "I can't" with "I am unwilling to"

and notice the shift in your mindset and power.

Transcript: A Spell for Stepping Into Your Power to Choose

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here. 

Hello, my love. I am back, and today I have for you a spell for reclaiming your power to choose. And this particular spell, this simple mindset shift, is one that I use myself and also that I use with clients a lot, because almost always, when I'm working with people, the thing that they are doing is rebuilding, renovating, reconfiguring their lives to suit who they have become. Yeah? 

Because here they've been growing. They've been growing personally. They've been growing professionally. They've been growing emotionally. They've been growing intellectually. They've been growing in all of these ways. And, you know, just like a potted plant will grow and grow and eventually outgrow its container, so will a person grow and grow and outgrow the circumstances of their lives. 

I mean, you can even do your best to shift and change and evolve and adapt your life as you are living it. And/but yet, right, there are still these moments where you wake up, and you realize, hmm, ah, this isn't what I want anymore, or this isn't working for me the way that it used to, or this is no longer what I want. I can envision something else. Or I'm done with this. Right? 

All of these ways in which we, whether we're having a growth spurt, or whether our evolving of our circumstances has not matched the pace of our evolving psycho-emotionally, right, like, our outside evolution has not kept pace with our inside evolution. This is the circumstance in which I find it super helpful to remember this particular spell, in the moment, when your life circumstances are no longer adequate or no longer fit who you have become. 

So what this often looks like is that something that used to be OK or something that used to be tolerable no longer is, like [laugh], you know what I'm saying. Let me give examples though. 

So, for example, perhaps you have a big client who always misses deadlines, or is always asking to reschedule calls, or they're not scheduling their calls, right, whatever, like, a client whose way of showing up once upon a time was a little annoying or, I mean, once upon a time even maybe was OK. But, now, because something has shifted for you, it's not OK anymore. Now because you're at a next level of self-honoring, or now because your own standards and values have changed, like, what was once OK or a little annoying now really fucking gets on your nerves. 

An example with a friend might be that you've got a friend who is just always negative, always complaining, always looking for the worst-case scenario, always talking shit, always just like in a funk. And, you know, maybe once upon a time, you also were always in a funk, and so the two of you would just funk it up together, and it was fine. Maybe even it felt good. Yeah?

Or maybe once upon a time, you were less aware of your sensitivity, or less honoring of your sensitivity. And so once upon a time, like, all this negativity made you feel kind of crappy, but you didn't perhaps consciously make the connection between that friend's negativity and the way it affects you. Or, you know, maybe once upon a time, that was your only friend, and so you shrugged and grinned and bore it because you thought you had to. 

OK, one more example. I love to give you the examples. I hope they are helpful for you. They're certainly helpful for me. So one more example is maybe in a romantic partnership. Once upon a time, it was OK that you did the majority of emotional labor in the relationship. It was OK that you were the one who remembered birthdays, and bought sympathy cards, and sent congratulation flowers, and planned Thanksgiving and, you know, all of the things. 

Maybe once upon a time, that was all right because it's just what you knew, and because you were comfortable with it, and because maybe once upon a time, you really didn't mind. But maybe those days are over now. Maybe you have a lot going on. Maybe you have a fuller life with more demands on your time and energy. And though once upon a time, it was no big deal to do all of that emotional labor, now it is a big deal.

Or maybe you've just had some feminist awakening around this. And whereas you inherited [laugh] the responsibility from the way that you saw it done in your family of origin, and you no longer want the responsibility, like, and, in fact, the responsibility now feels oppressive, or feels like it takes you and your energy and your effort for granted.

Or maybe you just had one too many shitty birthdays where no one did anything to celebrate you—and you're done. You're done always doing the emotional labor of celebration in your family.

So these three examples, what they share in common is that what you want is not what your co-creators are offering. Right? What they share in common is that something that you used to tolerate or accept or even maybe enjoy, something that used to work for you, a dynamic that used to be OK, no longer is.

And now when you encounter the dynamic, you are frustrated. You are annoyed. You feel done. And I think this is important to honor. You are done. Yeah? It's like that chapter where that was a thing in your life that was OK, that chapter is over. You have turned the page. You are ready to write something new. That old way of being, that old way of interacting, that old way of co-creating, it is done for you, and you are done with it. 

OK. So enter this spell because, oftentimes, this frustration and irritation, this annoyance, this like, "I am fucking done," this vibe, what it will translate into, what I hear it, both in my own head and out of my clients' mouths, what I hear it translated into is statements that begin with, "I can't." Right? 

And so it could be like, I can't take it anymore. I can't keep totally changing my schedule, just to accommodate this client who will not get their shit together. I can't handle another girls' weekend that is all centered around how horrible my friend's marriage is, and how there's nothing she can do, and how she's trapped, and how, you know, negative, negative, negative, negative. I can't handle all that negativity anymore. 

Or, I can't be the only one who's holding this family together. Everyone's always looking to me to plan the things and do the things, and I can't take it anymore.

The spell for stepping back into your power to choose is, instead of saying, "I can't," saying, "I am unwilling to." My love, this is so fucking important because the reality is that yes, you can because you have. Right? [laugh] It's like, yeah, you actually can continue to rearrange your whole schedule to accommodate your client who won't get their shit together.

Yes, you can get through time spent with your friend who will not stop whining and complaining and just being stuck in a negativity vortex, because you have been. And, yes, apparently, you can do outsized amounts of emotional labor in your family, because you do. 

When we say, "I can't," we are putting ourselves in the role of victim to our circumstances. We are not acknowledging that everything is co-created, every dynamic is co-created and, therefore, we are co-creators of all of these situations that are bothersome to us. 

OK. So this is not about like creating a blame moment. I'm not saying, like, it's all your fault, you're an enabler, whatever. OK, you might be a little bit of an enabler. Listen, me too, right? It's not about that. 

What it is about is fully owning our part in the dynamic, fully owning that we are co-creators, that we are contributors to these situations, and fully acknowledging that we have been choosing to go along with this and that we can now choose differently.

So this power of choice, we all know because we can see it in legislatures around the world. [laugh] We all know that systems of systemic oppression really don't want us to stand in our power to choose. Right? 

Power of choice is a major threat to the survival of those systems of systemic oppression. So it makes complete and total sense [laugh] that it is so much easier to say, "I can't," than it is to say, "I am unwilling to." Yeah? Because when you say you can't, you're just a damsel in distress. But when you say, "I am unwilling to," you are a force to be reckoned with. 

And, as good as that sounds, it can be very, very uncomfortable to stand in that much power, and really to say, I am privileging my preferences over your preferences, or I am choosing my desires over your expectations. Like, that is no small choice. That is a revolutionary choice. That is a choice that may ruffle feathers. That is a choice that may dramatically change the relationships. 

And, listen, it can be frightening to be in the driver's seat in a moment like that. It's one of those moments that conjures for me that famous Marianne Williamson quote, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." 

I think, in a lot of ways, it's easier to say, "I can't. I can't. I'm inadequate to the task." Because then, in a strange way, it's like, ah, it's not my fault. I just, I can't. I can't anymore. So please don't blame me, and definitely don't think that I'm privileging my desires over your expectations of me. Right?

And you heard my voice got really small and, over here behind the microphone, I got all kind of like squished up in my body. It's like, let me make myself smaller. Let me just tell you, like, oh, I just, I'm not up to it. I'm inadequate to the task.

When, come on, you are more than adequate. You are plenty. You are so plenty that your standards have risen, that your desires have elevated, have expanded, have grown stronger, and your ability to attune to your desires, to honor your desires has also expanded, has deepened. You have grown, you have changed, and you now want something different. That is the situation. 

And when you say, "I am unwilling to," I am unwilling to continue to be so flexible in my rescheduling policy. I am unwilling to have the conversation about how much you hate your job again. I am unwilling to plan all the family vacations this year. 

I would actually love for you to try this on. So think about something that you are just fucking done with. You do not want this situation to be the situation anymore. It can be anywhere in your life. Like, where are you not wanting to tolerate something anymore? 

And now try it on. Express that as an "I can't" statement, and notice how you feel in your body when you say that. And now express it as an "I am unwilling" to statement, and see how that feels in your body. 

Listen, the amount of power that comes with it may be uncomfortable. Right? Again, easier to be a damsel in distress than a boss bitch. I say with full affection, P.S., I love a boss bitch. I am a boss bitch. Yeah? 

So it may feel uncomfortable. But do you feel the difference and, I hope, do you feel how the "I am unwilling" statement is the one that is true, is the one in which you acknowledge that you exist at choice? Yeah? [sigh] Yeah. 

So two things are going to happen when we shift out of "I can't" and into "I am unwilling to." Two things will happen. The first thing is, an "I am unwilling to" statement is going to require you to align with your values, and to make sure that you mean it. Right? There's something about "I can't." It's just fuzzy around the edges. Like, when I say "I can't," I can't take it anymore, I can't handle another conversation like that, I'm not actively choosing, and so it's kind of fuzzy. Like, do I want to choose? Do I not want to choose? Ah, it doesn't matter, because I can't. Right? 

But when I say, "I am unwilling," I am owning that as a choice. So I'll want to check and make sure that is my choice. I will want to check and make sure that that is aligned with my values. I will want to check and make sure that that really is what I want. Right?

If I say, "I am unwilling to plan any family vacations," I've got to check in and make sure like, yeah, is that truly what I want? So, ultimately, that first thing that happens is a much deeper, stronger level of integrity, where what you want and what you value and who you want to be, where all of those are aligning, and that's amazing.

And so, unsurprisingly, the second thing that will happen when you shift out of "I can't" and into "I'm unwilling to" is that you will actually fucking do something about it. You will finally, yourself, stop hedging, and stop complaining, and stop being in frustration and resentment and all of that kind of like bleurgh. When you say, "I am unwilling to," you have now stepped into a power to choose differently and, in my experience, for my own self watching my clients, you will choose differently. 

Now, of course, you will still be co-creating, right, and your co-creators will respond any number of ways. We actually really never know. And maybe you will need to find new co-creators. Maybe it will be time for new clients, different friends, chosen family. It is possible.

And/but I know, for sure, Oprah style, this I know for sure, when you are standing in your ability to choose, when you know that you are a co-creator of your reality, of our reality, when you are doing that from a place of integrity, when you're doing that in a way that reflects all of this growth and all of this evolution, I really truly do know for sure that the co-creators with whom you resonate, the co-creators you can't even dream of because they are beyond your wildest dreams, and sometimes the growth and evolution that is possible in the people with whom you are co-creating but you want things to be different, right, all of this is not only possible but probable when you shift out of "I can't" and into "I am unwilling to."

When you refuse to be a damsel in distress in your own life, when you untie yourself from the railroad tracks of your existence, you will stand firmly on your own two feet, and you will remember that you can choose to go anywhere and any way you want to go. 

So there you go, my love, a spell for stepping into your power to choose. No more "I can't," way more "I am unwilling to," and way more, oh, opening up to the space and the strength and the trust that comes with owning that, yes, you can.

All right. As always, thank you for listening, and bye for now. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world. 

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time. 

End of recording