A Spell for Conscious Self-Persuasion

We are all talking ourselves into and out of things All. The. Time.

From buying that fancy coffee to taking early retirement,

we’re in constant deliberation with ourselves about

which actions match our values and which ones don’t.

I think it’s super important to have those internal debates

from a conscious, informed, self-aware place.

Here’s a spell to help with that.

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Make Magic:

Once you accept that we all exist at choice, you can

start paying more attention to these self-negotiations,

and taking a more proactive role in them,

Thinking about what values are supported by every yes or no,

and where those values come from,

will help you to make more self-aware, self-honoring decisions.

Transcript: A Spell for Conscious Self-Persuasion

Natalie Miller: Welcome to Mind Witchery. I’m your host, Natalie Miller, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Hello, darling. [laugh] Welcome to Mind Witchery. Today's spell is a spell for conscious self-persuasion. So here's the thing that I've been thinking about this week. I've been thinking about how we humans are always talking ourselves in and out of things, aren't we? I mean, do you agree with this? I think that's what I do all day long.

I talk myself in or out of my morning walk. I talk myself in or out of ordering a Starbucks, specifically an iced double tall blonde roast vanilla latte, with only one pump of vanilla, and oat milk. [laugh] Do you love that? Do you have a really complicated Starbucks order too? I kind of hope you do.

Anyway, I think we are constantly talking ourselves into or out of doing things, canceling appointments, purchasing items, initiating or not initiating conversations, enrolling or not enrolling in programs, scheduling or not scheduling appointments, seeking new support or keeping the same support. You get the gist. We talk ourselves in and out of things all the time, and I'm calling this self-persuasion, because I think, at least in my experience, and for the clients I support also, what I see is that we, sort of, we mount a case, don't we? [laugh]

We mount a little case. We have a little mini persuasion session in our heads where, when we are talking ourselves into or out of something, we present reasoning. Maybe we present evidence. We make a case. So if we're doing this all the time, and we remember that our minds are incredibly powerful, that our minds are magic wands, then I'm thinking it would behoove us to do it very consciously.

So as I was mulling over what that would look like, here's what I came up with. Number one, it is vital always to recognize that we are existing at choice, that it, we are talking ourselves into or out of various things. We don't have to do anything. We are choosing to do things. And the more we are believing we have to do something, the less conscious we are about the self-persuasion that's happening. Do you agree?

The more I believe that I don't have a choice, I have to, the less aware I am of all of the persuasion happening, all of the reasoning. So shining the light of awareness on how we talk ourselves in and out of things, making it conscious requires, I believe, acknowledging and accepting that I exist at choice. OK. So that's number one.

Number two, to be more conscious about our self-persuasion, it's so important to look at our reasoning, and determine what are the values underlying the reasoning, right? So what are my reasons for talking myself into this, for example, and what are the values I am bringing to life by doing this thing?

I'll give you an example. I just booked several autumn getaways for myself and for my family. I'm going to a little cabin in the woods with my kids and my partner in September, and in October I'm going to a different little cabin in the woods with one of my besties. And I am putting the finishing touches on a little creative retreat for myself later in the fall. And I had to talk myself into these because, you know, all of the things: time, money, disruption of my household status quo. Yeah?

But I did talk myself into them, and in a very consciously, self-persuasive way, right? So when I sat with the reasons for booking these retreats, I checked in to see are these retreats a moving toward or are these retreats moving away from? Yeah? Like, that is, are they appetitive, do I have an appetite for them, or are they aversive in that going on retreat makes me escape something? And I realize that, no, they are appetitive. They are a move to toward.

And then I checked in with, well, so what are the values that I'm moving toward when I book these various retreats? And they're different, of course, for each one. But, generally speaking, number one, pleasure and enjoyment. I really love traveling. It brings me such joy.

Number two, presence. There is something for me about being in a nature space and really, like, residing there that helps me to be so much more present with myself, with the moment, with my thoughts, with my creativity. It is extraordinary, the magic that happens for me personally when I am in a different and beautiful place.

And three, intimacy: intimacy with my family; intimacy with my friends; intimacy with myself, that deep, deep presence, the experiencing of a different place together, I think, is very intimate. So, for me, these retreats are a move toward those values. It's helping me to bring those values to life, right?

Now, if I look at the reasoning against booking the retreats, it looks like this. Money [laugh] usually, right? Usually it's like, ugh, spending the money, and maybe a little bit also taking the time away, although that's a little bit less so because I trust so thoroughly that these kinds of retreats ultimately supercharge my creativity, productivity, my ability to do and make things, that it's not really so much the time. But mostly, yeah, it's the money.

And so then I ask myself, well, what is the value underlying the money concern? What is that about? What do I value when I'm saving money? And I kind of come up with honestly not much; I guess frugality. But frugality isn't really a value of mine. I am not a particularly frugal person, and I don't particularly want to be a frugal person. That isn't the relationship that I want to have with money and resources.

I want, in many ways, the opposite. I want to be very generous with my money and my resources. And so this actually leads me to a second step in being consciously self-persuasive. I illuminate my reasons. So what are the reasons behind talking myself into this, and what are my reasons for talking myself out of it?

Find the values that are underlying these reasons, and then ask myself, OK, where do these come from? And this is very important because our dominant culture, any dominant culture is extremely persuasive, or really, I should say, cultures plural because [laugh] there are many cultures persuading us of all kinds of things at given times.

So where do the values of pleasure, enjoyment, presence, intimacy—I'll also put creativity into there because I just know that there is nothing that stokes my creativity like a little retreat. Where do those come from? Like, those are all values I have chosen. Those are all things I want more of in the world for everyone. I would love more pleasure, more enjoyment, more creativity, more intimacy, more presence for all of us. Like, I want that in the world.

Where, on the other hand, does frugality come from? And frugality, I think, comes from one kind of strain in our dominant culture that exhorts us to put our money into banks to save for retirement. I think there's also sort of a still a post-Depression era wisp, thread of frugality that goes through the culture also. It's kind of a waste-not-want-not sort of vibe. Yeah?

And so where that comes from is actually not, for me, aligned with my own values. I would prefer there is more money circulating through our world than put away in banks, personally. I would prefer that we enjoy our lives even before we retire from our work, you know? [laugh]

So illuminating that, OK, what's the reason to not book these retreats? Money. OK. What's the value underneath that? Like why? Why save the money? Mm, frugality, I guess. And then where does frugality come from? Well, really, for me, from a culture that I don't necessarily want to participate in, or at least not in this instance.

I mean, really, if we want to dive right into the deep end of conscious self-persuasion, let's look at how we choose to spend our money, what we talk ourselves into and out of where money is concerned, because there are so many persuasive influences at play there, and it is incredibly powerful and empowering to illuminate them. And I do want to be very clear here that I think this is entirely individual. We all have different personal values. Our values evolve over time. We all have different cultural influences that are informing our values, either showing us what we want to move toward or showing us what we want to move away from.

So absolutely each of us has different values and influences at play, [laugh] and/but/at the very same time, you know, we hold the paradoxes. There are a lot of cultural influences that we share, and some of them are so insidious, they are difficult to illuminate. So, for example, it is often very easy to talk ourselves into working late or working through the weekend or putting in extra hours, because there are so many cultural narratives around the virtue of hard work, because productivity is a very strong value in the dominant culture on much of this globe, because productivity is a value that so many of us have been raised with.

It very well may be a value that we hold, and so the reasons to work more maybe extremely compelling, and so conscious self-persuasion, this idea of conscious self-persuasion is just asking us to shine the light of awareness on a moment like that, to ask us, is it really something that we value? Is it something we want more of in the world for our friends, for our communities?

And P.S., where did it come from, and is the place it came from, is that something that we really want to support? We are definitely persuading ourselves to work more. We are choosing that, and so let's be consciously self-persuasive about it.

All right, one more point, very important. It is difficult to be conscious about anything [laugh], to be careful and considerate about anything when we are completely exhausted, yeah? Like, let's go to my Starbucks order. I am 800 times more likely to stop for my just amazingly complicated Starbucks drink, I am 20 billion times more likely to stop when I am tired, when I am rushed, when I am not sufficiently fueled. It's difficult in those moments to be more careful and conscious about my choices, and it's easier to be impulsive, yeah?

So I say that because, you know, sometimes we are talking ourselves in and out of small decisions, like the Starbucks drink. But sometimes we are talking ourselves in and out of much bigger decisions. We're talking ourselves in and out of early retirement. We're talking ourselves in and out of hiring help in our businesses.

We're talking ourselves in and out of cosmetic surgeries. We are talking ourselves in and out of finding a better couple's therapist. We are talking ourselves in and out of life-changing and world-shaping decisions. And so we want to do that, and I really mean "we." Me too, I want to do this too, from a rested and well-resourced place.

It's fun, I've just started working with a client. She's got all of these really big decisions to make, and I realized as we began working together that she is spread so thin, and she's so exhausted. And happily, she agreed with me when I said, "I don't think it's wise to make any decisions from this place. I think the first thing we have to do is support you in filling up your tank."

And, OK, I said that was the last thing [laugh] I wanted to add, but there actually is one more thing. And this is important, right, because that happened, that moment of like, "Hey, I know you're feeling a lot of pressure to make some big moves, but let's make moves from a rested and well-resourced place," that happened in community, in coaching, in relationship, right? And that's the last thing to say.

Yes, the dominant culture is very persuasive, the dominant culture is giving us reasons and making arguments all the time, and yet there are countercultures. There are countercultures that share the values that you want, that I want, that we want more of in our lives and in our world.

Those countercultures are full of writing. They're full of podcasts. They're full of offers and support. They're full of counterarguments. They're full of persuasion toward what we want more of in the world, toward the values that we are bringing to life. And so a vital part of being well-resourced when we are being consciously self-persuasive, like, yes, rest, etc., and also being well-resourced means we are reading work from the thinkers whose values align with ours.

We are listening to podcasts by people whose values align with ours. We are befriending people, hanging out with people whose values align with ours. We are hiring coaches whose values align with ours. Listen, so many coaches would take a client who says, "I've got to make all these big moves," and say, "All right, let's make big moves. Fuck, yeah, I love goals." [laugh] Right?

Not me, not me, because I'm here for wholeness, because I have no doubt you can achieve anything. You can definitely make big moves. But I want to help you make them consciously in a whole self-honoring, sustainable values-oriented way. So all of that is to say [laugh] that part of being consciously self-persuasive is recognizing that the influences with which we surround ourselves are persuasive, and we get to choose those two.

All right, my love, you know, I thought this was going to be just a quick-itty, quick little 10 minute episode, but I guess I had a lot to say about conscious self-persuasion. I hope that today's spell will help you talk yourself into what it is you really, really want. Thanks so much for listening, and bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Mind Witchery. To catch all the magic I’m offering, please subscribe to the show, or if you want a little bit of weekly witchiness in your inbox, sign up for my Sunday Letter at mindwitchery.com. If today’s episode made you think of a friend or loved one, your sister, your neighbor, please tell them about it. We need more magic-makers in this troubled world.

Like all good things, this podcast is co-created by stellar people. Our music is by fabulous DJ, artist, and producer, Shammy Dee. Our gorgeous art is by the sorcerers at New Moon Creative. Mind Witchery is produced in conjunction with Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, executive producer. And I am Natalie Miller. Till next time.

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